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By Kate Halim
Domestic violence in Nigeria has remained a recurring issue over the years. But the recent death of the famous gospel singer, Osinachi Nwachukwu after being allegedly abused by her husband has brought this sensitive issue to the fore. 
Modupe Ehirim, Founder and Lead Counsellor, The Right Fit Marriage Academy told Saturday Sun that she has social media platforms with 17, 000 members. She said from time to time, she gets inquiries from people who are in toxic marriages and those who are experiencing domestic or intimate partner abuse.
She said, however, that frequently dealing with such persons have made her realise that in most cases, the victims don’t even know that what they are experiencing is abuse.
Ehirim attributed this ignorance to media reports which often report physical abuse, particularly when it results in death or physical harm to one or both partners. She stated that what the society hasn’t explored deeply is what makes a person to be exposed to harm and still remain in that situation or environment.
Ehirim said that curbing the menace of domestic violence will require education. She said that men, women, parents, families, community leaders, religious leaders and law enforcement agencies should be educated about the concept of personal boundaries.
Ehirim said: “We should look at cases of domestic abuse and dig deep into the history of the victims and their abusers. What was their nurturing like? What were they exposed to as they grew up? What skills – relationship, conflict resolution- were modelled for and taught to them? What are the cultural norms they imbibed about abusive relationships?”
Ehirim revealed that some of the challenges and limitations victims of domestic violence face in the society include learned helplessness which is an intrinsic assumption that they cannot help themselves. She said that there’s also the culture of silence arising from victims not wanting to bring shame to their community and a lack of awareness of the impact of emotional trauma.
“Emotional wounds and associated trauma is not visible to the eyes and so when the victims seek help, they are advised to remain for different reasons,” Ehirim said.
Ehirim told Saturday Sun that the recent case of the late gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu who was allegedly being abused by her husband and died as a result of the beatings she endured shook her to her core.
She said: “Here was a woman who was widely known and also exposed. She was interacting with numerous people who could have helped her if they had deep awareness of the issues they were confronted with when she told them what she was going through. If Osinachi had been in an accident where a 30-tonne fully loaded truck fell on her, none in their right mind would have accepted that she didn’t want them to take her to hospital for treatment.”
Ehirim added that the emotional trauma Osinachi went through was equivalent to multiple 30-tonne trucks falling on her. “And sadly, because people don’t have much awareness about trauma, they respected her request not to intervene and she died.”
For the marriage counsellor, when victims speak out the very first time abuse happens or the first time they become aware that they can speak out is one of the ways to curb domestic abuse. She advised victims to choose carefully who they speak to.
She said: “Thankfully there are government and non-government agencies that provide support for those who have the unfortunate experience of intimate partner abuse.”
Ehirim also advised victims of domestic violence to confide in their family members or religious organisations. She however added that before one takes their advice, one should ask himself or herself if they have the competence to address what they are experiencing. She said victims should remember that only one person will live with the consequences of the choices they make and that person is the one suffering abuse.
Mrs. Florence Solomon runs a non-governmental organisation that caters for women suffering from domestic violence and abuse. During a brief visit to a temporary shelter where her organisation houses victims of domestic violence in Lagos, Solomon revealed that a lot of domestic violence cases are not reported.
She added that some women who are being beaten, starved and abused verbally, emotionally, financially and psychologically don’t even know the gravity of what they are suffering. She noted that getting some of these women to leave their abusive husbands and lovers is hard because of societal validation, religious beliefs and unhealthy family interference.
According to Solomon, it is not easy for victims of domestic violence to open up about what they are going through in the hands of men who claimed to love them. “I have been handling cases of intimate partner violence for over six years and it’s hard convincing these women to choose themselves over men who are beating them and abusing them in other forms,” she said.
Solomon stated that even after convincing these women to leave their abusive partners, you still have to contend with family members who threaten the victims of cutting them off if they don’t go back to their husbands and work on their marriages.
She also said that dealing with religious leaders who keep advising victims to continue praying for their abusers instead of removing themselves from a violent marriage is a huge challenge to the sensitisation of the public about domestic violence.
One case that has stuck with Solomon for years is the case of a woman who was being sexually and physically abused by her husband. She said that the woman’s brother contacted her organisation and begged them to help his sister. According to her, the brother of the victim said his sister’s husband would get drunk, come back home, rape her and beat her.
“The young man arrested his sister’s husband and we contacted the woman and counselled her over the phone. We convinced her to come to our shelter pending when the case against her husband will be resolved. She agreed initially but later changed her mind after her husband promised not to beat her again. She withdrew the case from the police and went home with him a week later,” Solomon said.
According to Solomon, five months later, the young woman died with her unborn baby due to injuries she sustained after her husband beat her again. Solomon said she slumped into a chair when she heard the news and cried for days as if she was mourning a loved one. She stated that the late woman was 31 years old when she died and she gets goose bumps whenever she remembers that case.
Rita Ilevbare is Executive Director, Gender Relevance Initiative Promotion (GRIP). She told Saturday Sun that most women who report their husbands for intimate partner violence don’t do that because they want justice. In her words, they do it because there is another woman in the picture getting the attention, affection and time of their husbands.
According to Ilevbare, 70 per cent of the cases her organisation have dealt with reveal that most women don’t mind enduring being physically abused as long as their husbands are not cheating on them. She stated that the sad part is that most of these women being abused are the ones who have the financial wherewithal in the family and are shouldering most family responsibilities.
“Most abused women report their husbands to my organisation not because they want the law to take its course, but because they want us to threaten their husbands. When we counsel them and offer them options available to them under the provision of the law, they won’t accept any of the options because they either want you to beg their husbands to stop abusing them or they want you to threaten such husbands.”
Ilevbare added that most of the women who approach her organisation for help when they are being abused won’t allow their husbands to be arrested and if these men are arrested, they won’t allow them to be charged to court and tried for physical assault.
According to her, some of these women also refuse to get protective orders to keep these men away from them. They insist that they don’t want to separate their children from their fathers. Ilevbare added that only a few women pursue criminal cases against their abusive husbands. She said most abused women only pursue the civil aspect of domestic violence case which include separation, prohibition order and divorce.
When it comes to curbing the menace of domestic violence, Ilevbare noted that even though more sensitisation is needed in the society, domestic violence won’t stop until women begin to place value on themselves. She said things won’t change until women stop placing marriage above their dignity, state of mind and mental health.
“Marriage is good but it shouldn’t take precedence over one’s life and safety. Until women get to the point of saying they won’t take certain treatments from men, they will continue to suffer intimate partner violence,” Ilevbare said.
Having handled a lot of domestic violence cases in her organisation, Ilevbare revealed that what most abused women don’t want to hear while they are being counselled is divorce. She said that under the law, there’s separation, protection order which prohibits the abuser from getting close to their victim for a period of time and after they have been apart for a while, the couple can decide if they want to continue the marriage or end it.
She said: “It has become important that when women are being told to leave abusive men, people should break it down in simple terms so that these women won’t run back to their abusers because they don’t want a divorce. There are other steps these women can explore before divorce. One of the steps is occupation order which allows the woman under the law to occupy the residence while the man stays somewhere else or the man retains the apartment while alternative housing provision is made for the woman and her children to be safe.”
