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Pastor Sasetu Luka Sarki, Makurdi Area Superintendent of The Apostolic Church Nigeria, (Benue State) and Deaconess Jummai Martha Sarki, have been married for 31 years. The marriage is blessed with four children just as the bond between the lovebirds has continued to grow stronger.
The couple, within their circle, has become a shining example and a model of what a peaceful marriage should be. Our correspondent, Scholastica Onyeka, speaks with the Sarkis in their Mission House residence in Makurdi residence where Pastor Sarki displayed the love letter written to him about 35 years ago by Deaconess Martha Sarki while agreeing to marry him.
Where and how did you meet your wife before you married her?
Pastor Sasetu: I met my wife when I visited their church for a competition. It was the work of choir master that brought us to meet. I got married at the age of 27. Though we knew each other for a long time ago before that day, she had a favour to help me at that very time after the church service and by the time I saw her, I was convinced. But you know at that time, we don’t approach like today. We used some system to approach and we gave a long gap. Men of God recommended and highly presented her to me and I was very happy.
Deaconess Jummai: As he said, that’s how it was. I had been praying that God should give me the right partner and God revealed to me. When he started talking to me, I knew immediately that this is the will of God because I had been praying and fasting and I was told that the day I finished the prayer, anyone that came was the will of God.
Why did you decide to go for her?
Pastor Sasetu: Well, like I earlier said, our approach to girls in those days is different from today. Even today, during marriage counselling, they will ask the boy and the girl how many girls or how many boys you have being with before you came for this. It’s not a sin to ask that question in a marriage counselling and it’s the same thing that happened. I had approached two ladies all named Jummai and by the time I approached this one, that was the end. I said that I wanted to marry a nurse and I got a nurse. By the time I met her, I never knew she was working in a hospital. I think the first gift she gave me was part of her salary. So, I admitted that that was just the will of God and since then, I turned my back from the other two until I married. The first one, the name was similar to her own and I still got somebody like her called Jummai.
Why did you choose him out of other eligible bachelors?
Deaconess Jummai: I agreed with him because I was praying that for me going to church, God should give me a man of God, a pastor. It’s not that I did not come across some boys. There were two boys that approached me but I was not convinced with those ones. I prayed for a man of God so I will support him to work for God. So when he approached me, it was like prayers answered.
How did you propose to her?
Pastor Sasetu: First of all, I cannot remember exactly because I could remember in those days there was no idea of approaching a lady than to meet a girl like a thief. So, as you meet a girl like a thief, you don’t go boldly to say I love you. You will think and think and think how you are going to open your mouth. In fact, how to start to open mouth was a problem in our time. So when I met her, like I said, I went gently like a thief to say, what is your name? If you get to a girl, you will say what is your name? Then you will introduce yourself. That’s what we used to do in those days. The third thing is that you would ask, who are her parents? From which family was she coming? And she would tell you. But she would not ask you. She would feel scared to ask but you will ask her to know where you are going. Then later, the last one now is ‘I love you.’ And the moment you said I love you, it was like a bomb because you didn’t know the kind of answer she was going to give you. And for her to say I love you, if she was convinced, she would not give you an answer that time. She would stay for little time after which she would say I have heard you. I would think over it. She would now go and meet her friends. Not parents. Then you would ask her, when are we going to meet? Because there was no phone that time. You would write a letter and it would take one month before an answer would come and we were not in the same village. These were the things that took place in those days and I can remember that the first time I approached her with a letter was early August. But the first letter she wrote to me was on August 16, 1987 and the second later she replied me when I was at school in Ilesha was on October 23, 1987. At the end of the letter, she put: “May the Lord join us together, Amen.” And I have kept the letter.
What was your reply when he proposed?
Deaconess: Jummai: I said let the will of God be done. I had already put it in prayer, so when he proposed, I agreed immediately. There was no need to ask questions.
Was there any objection from any of your relatives?
Pastor Sasetu: Yes. I had a brother who was from my stepmother. My father was a senior Chief in Kaduna and you know Chiefs don’t marry one wife. They marry two or three. I noticed something from my brother and the only thing they complained about was her structure then. Any other thing was 100 per cent okay. We thank God for how she is today.
What was wrong with her structure then?
Pastor Sasetu: She had a smaller structure then and I’m a tall man. But that was the only opposition and I confronted them. I told them I just liked her and I wanted to marry her. They asked me why did I love this girl and I said I liked her way of doing things, her church activities and the zeal she has and I believed that by the time she was married, she would be robust and thank God, today, she is.
Was there any opposition from your side ma?
Deaconess Jummai: There wasn’t any opposition, everybody agreed.
What do you remember most on your wedding or your marriage that made you happy?
Pastor Sasetu: Well, I will not give that answer straight. But I will start from the beginning. One Friday evening, my friend (late 17 years ago) and I discussed that there are four things I am going to do. I could not fulfil one because no one is perfect. The first thing I said was that if I married my wife, we were going to be eating from the same plate. Let me tell you, even if she puts to bed today, just after three days, we are coming to eat in the same plate and till today that we are 31 years in marriage, we are doing that. Two is wearing the same clothes and I have fulfilled that. Till today, we are still wearing the same cloth. The other one is my personal resolve to sponsor her in school. I was a Diploma holder why she was a school certificate holder then, but by the grace of God, she has Grade 2 certificate which I sponsored her to do. But it was not just easy because as I was sponsoring her, I was also doing my degree. She was teaching in a primary school while I was teaching in a secondary School. As I finished my degree, she also finished her Grade 2. The fourth one is not easy.
Deaconess Jummai: I was very happy on that day of our marriage because God had made it possible for us to become husband and wife. My people were also very happy that I was getting married. But me and my twin brother, the way we put our face, you would think we were not happy. But in our heart, we were very happy but nobody could see it on our face. That day my twin brother, myself and my husband was in same uniform. When you see the photo, you will think of that it’s a woman with two husbands.
Can you remember your first misunderstanding?
Pastor Sasetu: She had an elder sister who was Assistant Auditor General in Kaduna North and South Local Government areas. She told her that she wanted to find work for her at the local government. But I, seeing myself as a servant of God, I said it would be difficult. Believe me and God, there’s another thing I told my friend. I said if I married my wife, she was not going to work, that I would take care of her. She is here till today. So, in that aspect of work, I discussed with her, I asked her what she can do. She said she preferred learning tailoring. After that, the sister felt bad that I didn’t allow her to work in our local government. It was in another local government with problem of transportation and all that. Again, when I see a pastor and his wife at home and visitors are coming and they are receiving them together I just like it. My wife’s sister later saw it and she agreed with me.
Deaconess Jummai: He asked me to give some of my clothes which I used to wear as a young lady. He said as a pastor’s wife, they were no longer befitting for me. I didn’t find it easy but I had to consider what he said and I complied for peace to reign.
Pastor Sasetu: (cuts in): We have an agreement on where she subdues and where I subdue. It’s not everything that I have a final say. She also brings her own idea and I succumb to it
What is your spouse’s favourite food?
Pastor Sasetu: Nature has changed. What she is eating now is different from what she used to eat. But till today she likes to swallow food with draw soup more than any other food and when the nature changes, I think she likes rice, beans and moi-moi.
Deaconness Jummai: He likes yam, anyway you cook it; boil it, pound it, fry it or roast it, he will eat.
What do you like most about him?
Deaconess Jummai: He is very patient, very understanding and caring, very considerate. He always tries his best to keep the family happy especially the children.
What you like most about your wife?
Pastor Sasetu: I like seven things but don’t laugh about the eighth one. My wife can dance very well, she knows how to dress. She cooks well. She is zealous about cooking. She values cleanliness. Number six is Bible reading. She has time to read Bible more than me. Number seven, she likes prayer and she fasts a lot. Even if we talk of delicious food in the morning and she has a dream, she must fast. Lastly, she is well endowed.
Is there a part of her life that you wish she should improve upon?
Pastor Sasetu: I will tell her to improve the wisdom of building women and leading them. Sometimes you overlook things as if you don’t see and sometimes you approach women in preaching, you give example that will draw their attention. She should also be a counsellor both inside and outside. She has been doing it but I just want her to do more.
What advice would you give young men who are bachelors and are going into marriage?
Pastor Sasetu: Today our young men get married focusing on flamboyant things. They should not build the foundation of their marriage on flamboyant things. The women will think about Android phone first, those things that don’t have heads at all. They should know their background and where they are going. They should also avoid pornographic films because when they are watching it, they will no longer be satisfied with their wives. There are some women who like kissing, there are some who don’t like it. So, when they watch it without teaching their wives and the wives don’t do it, they will begin to say I don’t even know why I married you. Three, they should know how to put in their best for their women. Lastly, he should cease being among colleagues because they can spoil the thing. They should involve Jesus with Bible reading. They should also accept positions in the church. When they are given the work of usher or any other position, they should do it with all their mind so that when they marry, they will know how to discipline their wives. The boys should also learn to dress properly and avoid rugged dressing.
What advice would you give to the spinsters going into marriage?
Deaconess Jummai: First of all, dressing is very important. The way a lady dresses determines the kind of husband she gets. When they dress with rascality, rascal people come to them. So, girls who are looking out for marriage should learn to dress well. They should also improve on their character and they should study the character of their fiancé during courtship. They should not rush into marriage simply because they want to marry.
How can couples avoid divorce?
Pastor Sasetu: Lack of patience and contentment are some of the causes of divorce today. Men and women know how they bore in those days, but today, people don’t want to bear. Marriage is all about setting a new foundation and to build upon it. We should treat our wives the way Adam treated his wife. In spite of all the problems the wife brought to Adam, God still gave them the grace to live up to 900 years.
There should be gap between a man and his wife in terms of age to show maturity. But when you marry the same age, maturity will not be there. In some marriages today, some women are more mature than their men and that is causing problems.
Keeping secret is another thing. There are certain fight between you that you will not tell your parents and the rest of them. When I married my wife newly, anytime we had issues though not frequent, she would go and lock the door or if I was the one that started, I would lock the door because we knew that the moment one of us went out, our faces would show. That’s how we have been together.
Lack of ability to take correction is also a problem today. Young people don’t want to take correction and that has made us, the adults, to relax.
Prayer and church activities are also very important. Husbands and wives should always pray and participate in church activities together. People should also stay away from their old friends. Involving in sexual activities with first boyfriend and first girlfriend before marriage is another serious problem.
Deaconess Jummai: Another thing that is causing divorce is lack of forgiveness. Couples should not keep malice against each other. They should have the spirit of forgiveness.
