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Why do some women conceal the paternity of the children they conceived out of wedlock? A woman gives birth to a child, who grows up into adulthood without any inkling of his or her father’s identity. Oftentimes, it takes a moment of embarrassment for such a child to discover identity of his or her father. Such “discovery” could happen when a close relative, friend or otherwise, spills the beans. Such humiliating moments most times come from the mother’s relatives or kinsmen among whom the child grew as women in such situations keep usually custody of and raise the child without the involvement of the father. When paternity is disclosed to a child in an unpalatable manner by the mother’s kinsmen or friends, the weight of the shame can be very crushing on the child or young adult, who would feel betrayed. Even the mother would also feel the heat because of the way she would be portrayed and perceived in the community. People would most likely focus on the question mark on the birth rather the more tolerable choice made by the mother to carry the pregnancy to term instead of taking the very risky abortion route. It is quite clear that the unpleasant circumstances of an undesirable conception makes some women hide the children that come from such pregnancies, from their fathers. There have been cases where women were disappointed and abandoned after an accidental conception happened. Such women then suffered alone, especially if the man’s family rejected the pregnancy outright. Other situations could be pregnancy that resulted from rape or sexual abuse by close kin. All these and many more are the reasons paternity of a child could be hidden, even from the biological father. But there are extreme cases where married women would willfully be impregnated by their lovers and then they give birth under the economic, social and cultural cover of their husbands, who then nurture such children, not knowing that they were not responsible for the pregnancy. When the woman’s perfidy is exposed, and if the case is not properly handled, it can lead to man slaughter because such act is the greatest sin a married woman can commit against her husband.
In the African setting, it is commonly known that when a child is in his father’s custody, that child is superbly protected, respected and bonded to the paternal family even if the mother is no longer in the system. The child has nothing to fear in terms of issue of paternity, but the moment the child remains within the custody of the mother, with no proper paternity established, the issue of who is the father would definitely come up someday. Again, as far as a child is able to identify his or her father, and that fact is known to the man’s kinsmen, then there is no cause for alarm even if death, separation and divorce should occur. What is heart breaking is the fact that the relationship between a father and child is shrouded in secrecy and allowed to linger for years and decades. No matter the circumstances of the birth of a child, he or she has a right to know the father, even if that father is not worthy or undeserving of that honour. That legitimacy would protect the child from embarrassment, abuse and shame, and also give him/her eternal peace.
To tell you how important one’s paternity is, consider the case of 18-year-old Peace, who was about to marry 40-year-old Joshua. In keeping with African tradition, Joshua sought to know the mother of Peace, Mrs. Joyce Diuko. When they met, Joyce looked at Joshua closely, asked him a few questions and discovered he was the young national youth corpsmember that unintentionally impregnanted her when she was in SS2 in secondary school. The story unfolded and Joshua turned out to be the father of Peace.
The desire to know one’s paternity is what drives children born to Nigerian men abroad by foreign women, in the course of dalliances, to trace their roots. Back in the 50s and 60s, it was fashionable for families to send their male children abroad to study. Several of them sowed wild oats overseas. When some of those oats discover their paternal links in Nigeria and Africa they rejoice.
A story was told of late Barrister Hinje Okoh, a legal practitioner, who travelled to Finland in 1962 after he won an academic scholarship to further his education. While in school he struck up a relationship with a British girl, Elizabeth, who got pregnant and gave birth to Anna in December of that year. After completing his studies, Okoh came to Nigeria with a promise to return to Finland, but he never did due to unforeseen circumstances. Back home, Okoh never confided in anyone about his love adventure in a foreign land. The moment Elizabeth relocated to another part of Europe, the lovebirds completely lost communication, but life went on for each of them. In the course of time, both of them died at different times. Whenever Anna’s classmates painted a big picture of their daddies, she would come back home and query her mother. Elizabeth never hid the paternity of Anna as she gave her every information and document she needed to trace her father. Anna was at least happy but did not achieve much in the effort to trace her father at the time. Eventually, she became a successful lawyer. Much later, when she was 62, a firm hired her to recruit suitable personnel for it. As it turned out, Ehi, a granddaughter of the late Okoh, was one of the interviewees. The moment Anna read through her curriculum vitae, she asked a few questions and then told Ehi to wait for her at the restaurant after the interview. Their discussion led to the discovery of Anna’s late father. It took Anna 62 years to discover her roots. She was happy, felt fulfilled and complete.
Africans, like people in many other cultures, cherish their roots, despite the talks about modernisation. Did you notice that when the relationship between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle began to get really deep and was heading towards marital union, the British press dug up her complete lineage and discovered that her mother had some White blood too and Meghan father, Mr. Markle is a full-blooded white. So, Meghan had much more white genes from both her mother and father. However, there was still a sprinkling of British individuals who still felt that Meghan did not fully qualify, you know, that she was not a Kate Middleton. So, it matters for a child to know his or her true paternity.
That is why women should understand the importance of a child knowing the identity of the father. Such knowledge gives the child a voice among the father’s kith and kin. To tell you the importance of this, consider Michael, who from the time he was born in 1967, never knew the father because the man he was never mentioned around the family. Magnanimously, his mother’s kinsmen raised him. But a time came when a major family land was sold and the proceeds shared among the true, hereditory sons. Michael was not given a share. He demanded to know why and was directed to find out from his mother. He went to his mother with a sharpened cutlass ready to kill her if the truth did not manifest. In tears, the mother told him everything. Following that painful discovery after 52 years, he traced his father, who was fortunately alive. That was how Michael returned to his roots with so much celebration.
Sometime ago, in the South East, a story had it that a certain Mrs. Jirika was killed by her son, Fidelis, because she refused to disclose the identity of his father. To distract Fidelis, his eldest uncle took him to the United States of America, but he returned after seven years, still demanding to know his biological father. When the mother adamantly refused to open up, he killed her in cold blood and gave himself up to police for prosecution. The truth then came out that an undergraduate cousin of the mother had continually raped her with threats and eventually impregnanted her, leading to the birth of Fidelis. Several times, many male relatives have fathered children that became embarrassments rather than reasons to celebrate. In many of such situations, the society or community blames the women involved for not being careful.
In life, it is only a woman that can tell who is the father of her children, except if she was engaged in multiple relationships at the time of conception. It is only women in such “taxi cab” situation, where any male “passenger” can get it, take a ride and drop off, that women are unable to tell which of the passengers left behind a “timebomb” set to detonate in nine months in the taxi cab before dropping off. Given that only a woman knows the biological father of her child, she owes a fundamental responsibility to bring father and son together, to ensure that there is bonding and non-denial of the family rights due to the child in the man’s family. Establishing the legitimacy of a child’s birth, including those that are adopted, is very important because when the child is ignorant of his paternal links, such child or children may be sent away by the mother’s kinsmen after her death.
Dear women, the essence of opening up is to prevent very embarrassing and unwanted situations in future. When a grown man or woman begins to look for his father at old age, it means the mother did not do her job well. Such situations have been known to cause premature death of the victim due to viscious rumours and gossip.
