Follow Us on Google
The story of Mr. Jonathan and Mrs. Millicent Vatsa’s marriage, which started from same work place at the Federal Ministry of Works and Housing, Federal Secretariat, Minna, Niger State is like that of two sworn enemies who later became very good friends. Joe, as Jonathan Vatsa was called then, believed that wooing a woman comes in several ways. It is either you use civil and romantic way or you harass her to submission to get her attention. In this interview with JOHN ADAMS, Vatsa, former Commissioner for Information, Culture and Tourism and Chieftain of the ruling All Progressives Congress (APC) in Niger State, and Mrs. Millicent, a Director with the Federal Ministry of Works and Housing, Minna, Niger State share the success story of their 29-year-old marriage.
How did the journey begin?
Mr Jonathan: It all started from a place of work in 1989 during the SAP programme of General Ibrahim Babangida regime. I was teaching at Orozo Technical School, Abuja and there was SAP riot. Everybody was asked to report to his or her own state’s federal secretariat for appointment. So, I came to Niger and registered with the Federal Ministry of Works and Housing. There I was given appointment. So that was how I met my wife. She was already working there.
When he approached you, why did you accept his proposal?
Mrs Millicent: It was actually a battle because I was already going out with someone. We were just two girls in the midst of six bachelors in one office. I used to come to the office with my “Chopper” bicycle and each time I parked it, he would go and unlock it and go with it, without my permission. If I asked, they would tell me that it was Joe that carried it. When he brought it back I would talk and we would quarrel over it until a friend of mine in the office told me to leave him alone, that he was a troublesome person. That was how I left him alone and gradually we became friends again. And one thing led to another…
What was her first reaction when you made your intention known to her?
Mr Jonathan: The answer was no because there was somebody going out with her. But I didn’t relent. I told her I was also interested and kept on pushing until I won the battle.
Was there any opposition to the marriage?
Mr Jonathan: Yes, there were oppositions from many quarters, from her cousins, my mother-in-law, and her sisters. They didn’t agree because they said I was very stubborn and could not be a good husband. But because she loves me, I was able to overcome the opposition. I was very determined.
Madam, what were the oppositions you had at your own end?
Mrs Millicent: Very serious opposition. The person I was going out with at that time, even though we were not heading towards marriage, became angry when he heard that someone had come for me. It was not easy because he came up with so many things. Again, there was opposition from my parents because marrying someone that is not from your immediate locality, even though we are from the same tribe was always a problem. So it was very difficult for my parents to accept it.
What were the initial challenges in the marriage?
Mrs Millicent: After the marriage, I wanted us to leave Niger State for another place. But he made me see reasons we should stay back. One, his parents were old so he wanted to stay around to take care of them and I agreed.
So after 29 years, how can you describe the journey so far?
Mr Jonathan: The journey has been smooth, to God be the glory. You know life itself is full of ups and downs. The ability to cope with the reality of life makes you a man and so also is marriage. But the bottom line of it all is prayers, patience and perseverance. Overall, we made God the foundation of the house and that has been the secret of the journey so far.
Is there any other extra thing you do to keep your marriage going?
Mr Jonathan: You know women generally need attention. One day, I came back home and the first question I asked was: Mummy, how are the children? Have they eaten? Tears started coming out of her eyes. She said: so it’s only the children that are my concern? I said: is that the only problem? She said yes. Since that day, I corrected myself. I said ‘I am very sorry.’ Ever since then, each time I travelled and come back home, the first question I ask is: how are you doing? How are the children?
What are your happiest moments in this marriage?
Mrs Millicent: It is each time God blesses me with the fruit of the womb. Children bring happiness to every home. So there cannot be happiest moment in marriage than when the marriage is blessed with children.
As a mother, how do you cope with child upbringing?
Mrs Millicent: I am blessed with three boys. So it has not been easy. But with the support of my husband, I was able to cope. I am on the quiet side, so my husband is always on top of the situation. However, I thank God that they are all big now. So, I do a little of the talking now.
What do you do when your wife is angry?
Mr Jonathan: When I know I am the one making her angry, I tell her ‘I am sorry.’ Again, when I come home and meet her angry, I would ask her what the problem is. You see, one is not an angel. We are bound to make mistakes. But when you realise that you have offended your wife, the phrase, ‘I am sorry’ does not take anything away from you as a man. Some men feel too big to say ‘I am sorry’ to their wives even when they wrong their wives. I am not that type of man. Whenever I offend you, not only my wife, I would tell you, ‘I am sorry.’
What does she do that you don’t like?
Mr Jonathan: Well, we are all human, so certainly there are one or two things you feel someone should not do or shouldn’t have done. But one very key thing is that when you are not happy with certain action or decision, always come out to express yourself, not keeping things in your mind. Communication is key in marriage; it keeps relationships going. My wife finds it difficult to express herself. She let things go without saying it.
How do you handle his angry moments?
Mrs Millicent: Honestly, I think God has given me that grace. And I think that is why God made me his wife. If he is angry for instance, either at home or from outside, there is a way I always approach him. And that approach has been working for me. Most importantly, he always makes me understand why he is angry either at home or from outside. And I have a way of calming him down with nice words
How have you being coping with your in laws?
Mrs. Millicent: My in-laws are wonderful people especially my father-in-law (may his soul rest in peace). He was such a wonderful man, very humble and caring. He did a lot of things for me while he was staying with us, including taking care of the children whenever I went to work. My mother-in-law too was a nice woman, a mother who was very passionate about my children and I. Both of them took me as their biological daughter; they were great people. May their souls rest in peace.
After 29 years of marriage experience, why do you think marriages crash?
Mrs Millicent: Lack of patience, lack of trust and, above all, lack of the fear of the Lord. Marriage is an institution, and in every institution you need all these things to able to manage it well. Again, there must be trust in every relationship, including marriage. If there is no trust between the two people involved, it cannot work. Openness to one another is key to a successful marriage. The absence of all these things easily leads to crash in marriages.
So what is your advice to married women and intending couples?
Mrs Millicent: Honestly, marriage is sweet. But the way you lay your bed will determine the way you lay on it. So, if you want a successful marriage, start working on yourself first, even before the marriage. Ask yourself: what kind of home do you want? Most times, we are the architects of our problems in our marriages. Avoid gossips. Stay away from third parties. Don’t discuss your husband or home outside. If not, you will fall into the enemies’ hands. Above all, be very committed to your marriage. Contentment should be your guiding principle. Be contented with life and every other thing will be added.
When last did you express love to your wife, making her happy and fulfilled as a wife?
Mr Jonathan: Honestly, aside the prevailing economic situation in the country that most women like my wife understand, we now devote our time and resources to taking care of orphans in the society. It is a ministry that my wife and I have decided to go into and forget any other things of life. My biological children are three boys. But today, I have six orphans in my house. One has graduated and in Canada right now. The rest are all in the university. Both my children and these orphans have equal right in my house. In fact, the orphans take decision in my house more than my biological children. So my wife and I decided to deny ourselves many things to give joy and happiness to these orphans. We are very happy with this ministry. It is not how much you have, but the lives you touch in the society that matters.
Finally, what advice will you give to married men in the society?
Mr Jonathan: Married men should make God the foundation of their homes. With God all things are possible, including having a happy home. There should be constant communication on every issue in the home. There should be mutual respect between the two people involved. They should treat each other with dignity, not with disrespect. Human beings need to be treated like one. You don’t dehumanise someone because you paid her bride price; it is not good.
