• Why parents have preferred children, consequences
By Scholastica Hir, Makurdi
Parental favouritism is when a parent shows more attention or favour to one child over another or others in a family. But why would a parent love one child over others?
Dr. Michael Agbo Amedu, associate professor of psychiatry, Federal University of Health Sciences Otukpo (FUHSO), Benue State, said: “Based on my personal understanding and not on any study per se, there are so many things that determine our liking of something. One, it may be because that child is very beautiful or very handsome. Two, the circumstances surrounding that child may indirectly influence that, maybe if it’s a child that took long before the child came or the mother suffered so much before the child came.
“Some children are naturally easygoing; they are always smiling, not troublemaker kind of child. So, he just naturally attracts the love of the parents.
“Some children are intelligent. You have a child that is so bright, it just naturally attracts the love of the parents to that child.
“So different factors may contribute but parents would naturally want to give the children the impression that they all love them equally but it may not always be the exact way.”
On the effects of loving one child over others, Amedu said: “It can affect other children, especially if it’s too obvious. Some children may begin to exhibit certain behaviours unconsciously either to attract the attention of the parents. They may begin to exhibit negative behaviour towards the the other sibling as a sign of protest.
“Some can be aggressive. Sometimes, they can even start feigning illness, especially when they know they can get the required attention if they say they are sick.
“There is also what we call sibling rivalry disorder. It’s a known diagnostic entity where one sibling will be showing a lot of rivalry towards the other sibling and such occurs when parents are showing too much attention to one child at the expense of another and the child may begin to show some destructive behaviours towards the others.”
On what parents can do, Amedu said: “Parents need to be enlightened to know that every child wants to feel special. Even if one child is doing very well more than the others, they must still make that child feel special in different ways.
“Again some children may not be so bright in the academics, but they may be good in other things. So, those things they are good at, you emphasize that one and praise them for those kind of things and make them feel special.
“You can have a way of making it up. If not during exams, it could be during celebrations like birthdays and when you are celebrating one, you must bring the other children in.
“That way, you let them know that if you work hard, you get this and that. Let them be encouraged to work hard too but very importantly the parents must learn to give attention to all their children so one does not feel marginalized.”
A lecturer at the department of Psychology, Benue State University (BSU), Professor Elvis Ihaji, said: “First, we believe that children are gifts from God and it’s a combination of the father and the mother that result in a child being born. However, when a child is born, we have what we call child preference. Child preference occurs in many homes. Some may be pronounced, others may not be pronounced.”
He attributed it to cultural factors, among others. He explained: “In Africa, it is our culture that a son or a boy child is preferred above a female child. So, in most families, the boy child is always the favoured child; he’s always loved more than the girl child.
“It is such that in a home where there is no boy child, the mother herself is not comfortable. She feels that her legs are not settled when there is no boy child at home. The man may even go to the extent to look for a boy child outside the home.
“That is based on the fact that the boy child inherits the name of the family for the sake of continuity of the family, which is based on African culture. It may not be so all over the world but in our own that is a factor.
“Another factor where there is a child preference and it is more technically rooted in psychology is that the girl child is closer and loved by the father more than the boy child. The boy child is loved and closer to the mother more than the father. So the girl child is preferred by the father, at least at the developmental stages while the boy child is inclined to the mother and so we have the preference in the treatment given to them.
“But generally, when a child is preferred, the child is given better treatment in terms of feeding, clothing and even schooling. But for the girl child, she can even be given out for marriage as a child and the money is used to train the boy child, as the case may be. Generally, the girl child is devalued in African society and the boy child is highly elevated and welcomed.”
He said that another reason for child preference at home is physical status. He further said: “A child with physical disability either speech problem or inability to walk, is generally not loved compared to the child that has a normal development at home. So, the child that develops well is more loved in a family than the child that does not develop well. Such a child may be given names and his condition may be attributed to witches, wizards and other things as being responsible. So, such a child may not be loved at home.
“Another reason is the personality of the child. A child may be an extrovert, others may be introverts. So, the ones that are outgoing and friendly are more accepted in a family than those that are withdrawn and quiet and are not easy going.
“Some of them are stubborn in character or hyperactive as we call it and such hyperactive children may not receive preference from the parents compared to those who are not hyperactive. They are hyperactive and stubborn. They are disobedient, so some parents may not love them much.
“Others who eat too much may not be favoured in the family because they eat too much, which is not their fault. They have long stomach and because of that they may not be welcomed enough like the others or if the child engages in stealing, bed wetting when he ought to be able to control his bowl and he’s not able to do that beyond certain stage and or engages in stealing meat or other things from the house. The parents may not love that child much; they’ll prefer the child who’s not engaged in such deviant behaviours.
“Also a child that is always dirty may not be well loved in a home compared to the one that is a bit neat and easy going and respects the parents. So, generally those who don’t respect their parents and visitors are not loved much like those who respect and act morally.
“Those who follow the instructions of the parents are accepted and loved compared to those who don’t. These are some of the reasons we have child preference in Africa.”
On the consequences of child preference, he said: “When the parents show preference and there are many in the house, it will affect their upbringing and they’ll know that their parents are partial and they will also have conflict in their development.
“When a child is preferred, especially if it’s the only girl or only boy in the family, watch it, that child will always be a spoilt child because he would be over pampered. Speaking of this, the story of Joseph in the Bible applies. All the others will hate that child that is being loved or preferred by the parents at home.”
Ihaji offered advice to parents regarding this. He said: “My advice is that the parents should accept the children as they are, whether deformed or not, whether short or tall, irrespective of the sex, male or female. The children should be welcomed by their parents and equal love should be given to all of them even if the children happens to be stubborn or deviant or bed wetting.
“The parents must show unconditional love to all of them because they brought them into this world and when it comes to education, all of them must be educated, loved and trained equally because nobody knows tomorrow. When they grow up, they would leave the home and you don’t know where they would be or what God would do with them.
“Sometimes, the rejected child becomes the one that will help the family at the end. Like today, most ladies are the ones helping the family. Two children are never the same, even identical twins. As they grow, differences begin to emerge. So, love them and accept them as they are.”
A parent and civil servant in Benue, Mr Danjuma Makir, did not hesitate to admit that he had a favourite child. In a chat with Daily Sun, Makir said: “I used to have a favourite child in the sense that she was the first child and the second one didn’t come until after six years.
“She was the first to go to secondary school. Even as she was in secondary school, I was so attached to her than those that were at home. Right now, she is the only one at home because the other siblings are in boarding house.
“In fact, as I speak to you, I have called her to see how she is doing because yesterday she complained that she had pain on her hand. She said she was okay and I also felt good.”
Makir, who had three other children after six years, said: “If she told me she was still in pains, may be I would have left here to go to her.
When the child was in secondary school, I visited her every two weeks. In fact, we had a policy of cooking fried rice for her every Monday from JSS 1 to finish. At a time, she demanded that we should increase the quantity of food so that her friends could eat with her. We did that happily.
“Even now the other kids are in that school but they don’t have that privilege. Now I’m trying to love them equally.”
He noted that there is a lot of age gap between the children and there wouldn’t be any form of rivalry between her and other siblings.
“When I treat her that way, I feel fulfilled, essentially because she is a girl,” she said.
Ortamen Manz Denga, a parent and financial expert, didn’t say whether he has a favourite child but he was emphatic in saying that while it’s not necessarily intentional, parents may develop favoritism towards one child due to various factors
He identified personality match as one of the factors, saying similar interests, values or personality traits could contribute. Second is shared experiences. Bonding over common activities or life events.
Favoring children who exhibit positive behaviors. Unique experiences and expectations associated with birth position. Like first or last born. Gender bias, favouring children of a particular gender.
Denga suggested how parents can handle favoritism. He said: “To avoid harming sibling relationships and individual self-esteem, parents can be aware and recognize their feelings and actions.
“Identify the causes of favoritism, spend quality time with each child. Engage in activities they enjoy, avoid comparisons by focusing on individual strengths and weaknesses, foster sibling relationships by encouraging positive interactions, communicate openly, listen to concerns and validate emotions.
Another respondent, Madam Dorcas, said: “In every family, you have a child that would give you headache and you also have that one child that is obeying your instruction. When you have child that does not listen to you but does his own mind, you won’t love him like the one that listens, that is respectful.
“Check the story of Joseph in the Bible. The father loved him so much because he was following the father’s instructions.
“Some children when you give them money to keep, they will hide it and the day you ask for it, they will give it to you. For such children, it is easy to love them and give them attention. You still love other children but this one will share your secrets, knows what and what you have and where they are.”
Madam Dorcas, who has five children, said she has a favourite child among them. “She is a girl but I share everything concerning me with her. If I have money, I give her to keep. If she asks for anything, I don’t hesitate before doing it.
“But I keep it a secret because I don’t want the others to know because it will bring hatred upon her. But I love all my children.”
Mr Samuel Mvendaga said it is Biblical to love all your children equally but as human. According to him, some children are so good in the hope that you can’t help but love them for what they do or how they act.
He said: “If a parent decides to love a child, there must be a reason. It’s either the child too loves and is obeying him and abiding by instructions. It happens in most homes.
“But I will advise that the parents, when they love a particular child more, they should keep it secret, within their hearts else they will cause crisis in their homes. They should treat all their children with love and attention in order not to attract hatred to the one they are loving.”
Mrs Ruth Baaki said some families favour some children based on their sex or gender. She said: “When a man is giving birth to girls and finally has a boy, he describes him as the strength of his manhood, one who will continue his lineage. “So, such a child would be loved and pampered. At other times, you see family keep having children because they are also looking for a girl. When they finally gave one, the father, especially pampers her more than the others.”
According to Mrs Baridi, a nurse in Abuja, “I love all my children, but I have a softer spot for my last child. I think it’s because of what I went through to have him. It took me many years after his three sisters before he was born.
“So, he is the baby of the house and we share a special bond. Although I try to ensure that I do not make any of them feel less loved as a mother. My first daughter is my husband’s favourite. Even though he doesn’t like to admit it, I can tell that he doesn’t joke with her.”
Mr Afam Nnorom, a civil servant, said: “I love all my children equally but just like most parents my heart leans more towards one of my children and that is my first daughter. She is very intelligent and has always been responsible for her younger siblings even from a young age.
“She makes sacrifices for them and even we, her parents, without complaints. She also has a way of making me feel loved in a way the others don’t. She checks on me, remembers the little things, and never lets me feel alone. So, that kind of love and sacrifice leaves a mark on a parent’s heart.”
•With additional report from Adanna Nnamani, Abuja.