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Some separations are divine because they save lives. Being alive is the first reason one should take a walk when marriage becomes toxic, either for the man or woman. If they come out alive, they should move on. It only takes a living person to be married. A dead man or woman has been erased completely from the institution of marriage till eternity.
Within the week, I read a post on separation and it truly made my day. That post honestly says ‘if your spouse takes a walk and never returns after six months; do not accept him or her again because that second missionary journey might be regrettable.
Presently, rising domestic violence, infidelity, and double standards in marriage are some of the reasons a growing number of young people now believe marriage is a scam. No, marriage is an institution ordained by God. The essence of marriage is for pure advantages only. There is no disadvantage in marriage. With a series of separations and divorces, one then asks, should all fold their hands and keep blaming the devil for fighting marriages? Agreed, there could be spiritual implications and connotations, but where is the place of human responsibility in marriages? There should be an honest discussion about the issues of marriage, separation, divorce and coming back by all adults.
Now, for professionalism and experience sake, the issue of coming back together could be likened to two-sides to a coin. It might work out well or be a more destructive opportunity for both victims.
For couples who wish to come back after separation, the onus is for them to make a concise decision and take a comprehensive stock of themselves. Then, agree if they want to live together again. This arrangement can only work when the two people involved are willing to swallow their bitter pills and move forward. Again, are they ready to forgive each other sincerely and respectfully for the comeback to happen? Within the six months of separation, were they working on their faults and challenges to be better and greater in life again? Have they looked at their earlier issues, accepted their wrong doings and ready to make amendments? Are they willing to work according to the tight rules and regulations of what a responsible marriage should be? Have they considered the parameters, commitments, trust of their marriage, financial dispositions, families because it is not enough to say I want to reconcile. One partner might be willing, while the other is not willing. All these are the ingredients that must be considered for a great come-back.
In addition, should they also purge themselves of personal selfishness, bitterness, acrimony associated with most marriages? Both a man and woman should not be selfishly Mr. or Mrs. Married man or woman only. They should be good husbands to their wives, good sons to their parents, good brothers and friends to siblings, relatives, friends and colleagues. Some women want their men for themselves, forgetting that the man has known other people before marrying her.
It is also applicable to some men who hold onto their wives strictly for themselves alone. I have not forgotten a friend who confided in me that whenever she wanted to visit her mother during Easter, she would start the appeal from January. “I will appeal to my husband for three months before I visit my own mother. For my own mother, I will start early enough to request permission to visit her.” Such husbands keep very close watch to be sure their wives do not extend anything to her family members. If she rises to erect a building for her parents or take them outside the country, it will be a problem. Then, when such happens, the family cannot be balanced. The woman will also not be happy because she has been treated poorly.
Recently, when there are issues in marriages, some ladies quickly rush to return their bride prices. Some do it out of ignorance without thinking of the consequences especially where children are involved. Some may want to start a fresh marital journey. For such women, they are not ready to come back.
Now for the ones who genuinely want a comeback, it is a very big and encouraging deal. So many years ago, I heard Tony, a freelance colleague who cried out loud because he missed his first wife Chinonyerem. Both lived in Germany and struggled as young people to make ends meet. In between their struggle for stability, young age, lack of proper guidance, a little issue saw them break up. They missed it and got separated. Next, Tony came back to Nigeria and met Ngozi. Not long after Ngozi became pregnant and they were unprepared for marriage. In the course of the six months they lived together, arrange-marriage, Tony cried out and described Chinonyerem as the best thing that happened to him. “I miss Chinonyerem terribly. She is 10 girls in one woman. While we lived together in Germany, she showed me care, love, and the strength of a woman and believed in me. Only if I had applied a little patience, tolerance and caution, I would not have been in my present situation.”
To Tony, he has seen the hand writing on the wall and wishes the hand of the clock could turn back. Now, if a man realizes his mistake and is willing to amend it, he can begin to think of coming back. Assuming he is still standing on high horse dishing out commands, making unending demands of respect and submission, the come-back will even be more toxic if they come back again.
Both need to purge themselves of poor character conduct, unnecessary arrogance, competition, jealousy. They should pay more attention to their ideas, productivity, care, love and control of emotions. It is for coming back sake that most school reunions were banned. Most men and women, who are in regrets of their present marriages, use the avenue to begin new relationships with their former younger lovers.
Inasmuch as school re-unions are great opportunities for school development, and to catch up on old times, it is posing dangerous signs to marriages.
Now, there are couples who need the break and never to come back. Those who have been in a toxic relationship from the onset, they may need that separation to avoid assassination. Stories of avoidable deaths have hit the news waves and it does not go down well at all, be it for a man or a woman. Some couples actually need the separation and never to come back because this will allow them to function better in other areas of their lives.
There are some relationships that need to be dissolved completely by the legal authorities, never to come back, to avoid the stories that touch the heart. The case of Martins and Grace was a bad one and offers lessons to couples. Both, well educated, met and dated for a few years. While Martins, who saw the fingers of atrocities in his woman and tried to break their relationship, his family kept pushing him to continue because Grace was from the same community with him. They believed in tribal sentiment and refused to look at the basics. Her infidelity was the reason they lived like cat and dog for 14 years. Martins, a more accomplished architect, was allegedly murdered while returning from work. Fingers pointed at his wife’s extra-marital lover after several back and forth separation.
There are uncountable instances where death would have been avoided if the couples were separated ab initio. After Angela was bashed mercilessly for the third time, her Catholic Priest brother made sure she left the marriage. “You had better be alive than to be led to an early grave.
Dear Nigerians, since most marriages are losing their salt, if any party smells toxicity or domestic violence, such a person should run for dear life. Coming back for both should be decided by the parties involved. No parent, especially Christian mothers should force her child to go back to any marriage. A single parent is not a curse.
