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Mr. Stephen Ogbomo, a retired member of the Non-Academic Staff Union (NASU), University of Jos and Mrs. Alice Ogbomo have been married for about 30 years. Blessed with four children, they spoke to GYANG BERE about what it took them to bond together as husband and wife all these years. They also gave pieces of advice to intending couples and newly married ones.
How did you meet?
Mr. Stephen: I travelled with a friend to his village in Delta State. We stayed there for about two weeks. During that period, I sighted a young pretty lady. I told my friend that I was interested in the girl. He encouraged me to talk to her. One evening, I sighted her sitting outside their house. I walked up to her. We greeted and started talking. I told her my intention. I told her that I liked her and would want to marry her. But she was shy and asked that we talk about the matter the following day. I was convinced that I would get her because her response was not bad. We eventually spent two weeks in that village. Within those two weeks, I was able to get her approval.
Are you from the same village?
Mr. Stephen: No, she is from my friend’s village.
Can you confirm what he said? Was that how you met?
Madam Alice: Yes, that was what happened. But the friend he is talking about is my elder brother. He was a military man and was also staying in Jos. On that day, he approached me and said ‘I love you.’ I responded that I needed to think about it because I was still in secondary school. I was very young. I told him that we should continue talking. He left and we were communicating through letters. If I wrote a letter in January, he would receive it in February. That was how we continued to keep in touch with each other. We were not staying together. He was in Jos and I was in my village in Delta State. That was how we met.
Was there any opposition from your family to the marriage?
Madam Alice: There was no opposition. Everything went on smoothly.
When you introduced her to your family, was there anybody who kicked against the marriage?
Mr. Stephen: Nobody. My parents told me that as long as I am old enough to marry and working, I should go ahead. All my family members supported me.
What did you see in her that attracted you?
Mr. Stephen: I observed that she was very beautiful. During the little time that I studied her, I noticed that she has good character. She is the kind of person that I like.
Madam, were there other young men coming to ask for your hands in marriage? Why did you decide to settle down with this one?
Madam Alice: I was happy when he approached me, particularly when he said he was living in the far North. I decided that I would go with him because I wanted to leave my village to a far place. Secondly, he was very handsome and gentle.
How did you propose to your wife?
Mr. Stephen: As I stated earlier, I told her that I wanted her to be my wife. Those were the exact words I used. She was shy and said we would talk about it the following day. Twenty-four hours after we met, I repeated myself and she accepted. She asked me where I lived and I told her Jos. She smiled and that was how the journey started.
When he said he wanted you to be his wife, what came into your mind?
Madam Alice: I told him I would think about it. But deep within me, I was happy because that was the type of person I wanted.
You were living in different locations before you got married? What was the first misunderstanding that you had?
Madam Alice: I won’t lie to you, I don’t remember. I came back to Jos in 1984 after I gave birth to my first daughter. I cannot remember vividly the first misunderstanding that occurred between us.
Was there nothing you saw that you felt disappointed about?
Madam Alice: I didn’t notice anything but I cannot tell you now that we didn’t have some misunderstandings. We did. I have some problems with anger. The moment he tells me something that I don’t like, I would flare up. I am happy that he knows I have hot temper. But for over 30 years he had never raised his hand against me. All the same, we do have challenges from time to time. Sometimes, we could stay for two days or so without talking to each other. But in all of these, he has never reported me to anybody and I have never reported him to a third party. Once we had a misunderstanding and a friend come visiting, we would pretend and begin to talk to each other. But once he was gone, we would continue from where we stopped.
Which of the misunderstandings did you consider challenging? How did you get it resolved?
Mr. Stephen: There is no way a man and wife can live together without having some misunderstanding. Anybody who says that is telling a lie, He is also deceiving himself. We do have misunderstandings once in a while. But we don’t allow it to get out of our house. That was one of the things I learned from my elder brother. I never saw him fight with his wife. It made me say that when I marry, I would like to emulate him. We may have arguments over how things should be done such as keeping things where it is supposed to be. But we have never invited a third party into our home to settle any issue that concerns us. I took a decision that nothing would make me raise .my hand against my wife. I will rather ask her to leave.
How do you resolve differences when you have misunderstandings? Do you sit down and about it together or what?
Mr. Stephen: For me, it is a simple thing. Whenever we had a misunderstanding, I would go to the stadium and watch football because I am a football fan. When I return home, the whole thing would have died down. When there is no football match at the stadium, I would look for where children are playing football. In some cases, I would just walk out of the house and by the time I come back her anger would have died down. That is how we resolve our issues.
Which food does your husband like the most?
Madam Alice: Pounded yam and egusi soup. If I prepare that, then I can get the best out of him.
Do you know her best food?
Mr. Stephen: Yes, She likes plantain and our native soup. We call it Owo.
What colour of clothes does she like most?
Mr. Stephen: You can’t rule out the fact that women generally like clothes. She likes lace materials and good shoes to match. But I have never observed her colour.
What was your happiest moment in marriage?
Madam Alice: That was when I gave birth to my first daughter, I was happy that I had become a mother.
In terms of behaviour, in what area would you want him to improve?
Madam Alice: My husband is not a man that gets angry easily. Sometimes, I get angry with the way he plays with me. He would play like a child. So I am very comfortable with him.
What advice would you give to young women intending or hoping to get married?
Madam Alice: I would want them to seek God’s counsel concerning their relationship. This is because when you marry according to God’s will, you will not have much problem. When you have challenges, don’t allow a third party into your home. Resolve your issues within yourselves. Don’t invite your mother, father or friend. While growing up, our children never saw us quarrel. Therefore, I would advise newly married women to always respect their husbands and not do what they don’t like.
What words do you have for young men who are intending to marry?
Mr. Stephen: They must anchor their hope on God. God should be the first before any other thing. When you get married, tell your wife what you don’t like so that she would not do it. Ensure you imbibe the spirit of tolerance. That is the only way to enjoy your marriage. I know that there is no way a man and his wife can stay together without having some misunderstanding. But when it comes you are expected to resolve it amicably without the help of a third party.
There might be some couples who are thinking of divorce. What advice do you have for such couples?
Mr. Stephen: I would always tell men that if you think your wife is bad, how are you sure that the next one that you are going to marry is going to be better than she is? As long as you understand your weak points, it is better to amend your ways and stay together than to divorce.
What would say to women who feel tired of their marriage and may want to call it quits?
Madam Alice: You need to seek the face of God. You will need to table the matter before Him and get His approval before doing what you have in mind. There is nothing bigger than our God. I would advise them to look deep into their issues and resolve them amicably. There is nowhere in the world you will go and fail to find challenges. They say the devil you know is better than the angel you don’t know. I would advise them to be patient and to tolerate each other in all circumstances. When you do this you will certainly overcome your challenges. Why would a woman want to leave her husband or abandon her children?
