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Sir Lawrence and Lady Veronica Okonofua (KSM) met each other in 1964, 61 years ago, but legalised their union 55 years ago in 1970. While Sir Okonofua retired meritoriously from the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) on June 8, 2000, his wife resigned from Owena Bank to manage the homefront. Even as they age gracefully, that instant attraction did not diminish as one could still see the spark of love in their eyes. They have become the candle that lights others as marriage counsellors.
In an interview with Saturday Sun, the Okonofuas, amidst other things, revealed the secret of their worthy golden union as they raised six worthy children plus other non-biological children and their grandchildren.
How did you meet your wife?
Sir Okonofua: It was in 1964 when I was in my final year in secondary school. My father was transferred from Ubiaja to Uromi. Note that Ubiaja was the former headquarters of the old Esan Local Government before the four local government areas were created. My late friend Augustine told me he was going to visit his girlfriend who was Veronica’s older sister. While we approached their home, Vero was coming back from the market with a load on her head. That was the first time I saw her.
Lady Vera: I was returning from the market and saw two young men coming to our house. I did not know them. So, I walked past them.
What was the attraction?
Sir Lawrence: I was attracted to her height first. Then seeing a girl coming from the market with a load on her head, I felt she is a good girl. So, I started talking to her and she said I did not understand what I saying. Then she added that her register was full, there was no space. Later, I reminded myself that I had always wanted a stubborn woman. That stubbornness became more of an attraction to me.
Lady Vera: I told him I was not interested in any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship because I do not know what it meant. Honestly, I did not know the meaning of boyfriend or girlfriend then. I had just finished primary school, while he was in final year in secondary school. So, when he left with his friend, I went to ask my oldest brother what it meant to be someone’s girlfriend. My brother laughed at me and later educated me.
Did marriage commence immediately?
Sir Lawrence: No, when I was through with secondary school, I got a job immediately with Central Bank (CBN) and left for Lagos while she was still at Uromi. She is my little girl so I made sure we kept in touch through love letters, until May 25th 1970 when we got married officially.
Lady Vera: He was intentional and passionately in love with me from the first day; even though I did not understand what love was at the time. He trained me to where I am today. That is my attraction. In my own family then, my father had many children and was no longer interested in training the girl child. His reason was because his first sets of daughters were married off just immediately after secondary school. It was not a welcome development for him. He therefore took a wrong hard decision of not training the other girls. With that, my husband stood in the gap. After sometime, my husband who was my boyfriend then came from Lagos to see me and told me that I have the height to be enlisted in police force. Then I told my parents. My mother became interested and looked out for assistance for me. She took me to Late Anthony Enahoro’s mother who was my father’s cousin, and mentioned it to her. Enahoro again took me to the late politician, Anthony Anenih. Anenih looked at me and said I had the height, but not rife for the job and advised I go home and feed better, participate in physical exercises to look more robust. While at home, I kept crying to my mother’s ear. Again, she took me to another relative of hers who was a police officer in Lagos. There I was until recruitment commenced at Ikeja and I was lucky to have passed all their requirements. After our six months training, I was posted to Benin and we were told not to get married until after three years. At the end of the three years, my husband came officially and married me according to our native law and customs before I joined him in Lagos.
How were your wedding ceremonies?
Sir Lawrence: We had our registry and white wedding here in Lagos. It happened in the presence of just four people. Myself and my wife, her cousin Felix Stephen and his younger brother. They stood as our sponsors for the registry. Then, for the white wedding, we wedded after one early morning mass. In fact, after our wedding, I went back to my office in CBN, while she returned to her office as police constable.
Lady Vera: That was our choice. After our wedding, I returned to the office and changed into my police uniform, continued my work. When my colleagues saw my wedding ring, they were surprised and wondered what happened. But that was our choice. We did not want drama, no wedding dress, no celebrations, no printed invitation cards, no brouhaha, nothing at all. We were fine with our decision.
After 61 years of knowing each other, 55 years of legal union as husband and wife, what is that unique selling point that has kept the bond?
Sir Lawrence: In the 61 years that I have known my wife, whenever she goes to the market, she returns my change. Even in the days of one kobo. When she brings it, I will either take it or ask her to keep it. If I am not around, and she has reasons to take money that I kept, the moment I come in she will inform me and state the reason why she took it. Again, what she tells you 10 years ago, wake her up tomorrow, she will tell you the same thing. She is a truthful and straight forward woman. She does not tell me lies at all. With such a woman, what then will one be looking out for?
Lady Vera: We operated on truth, openness, communication, responsibility, respect for each other and fear of God. That was what united us more. Till tomorrow I tell my husband everything that happens around me. He had many girlfriends then but left them to marry me, so what will I hide from him? When he sent me back to school, even with two children, men were still disturbing me. I would carry pictures of my children in my hand as a proof that I was married with children, men would still give me their complimentary cards. When I come back, I will tell my husband everything and give him the card.
How has the relationship been in the last 55 years?
Sir Lawrence: Looking back in those years, I am grateful to God. That is why I dance and partake in every thanksgiving in my parish. I call it unmerited favour upon our lives. Interestingly, when I was getting married in 1970, something very strong kept telling me that I would not see my 40th birthday. At a point, I was almost backing out of marriage. That was why I insisted my wife would go back to school and be more empowered. With that she can stand firm and raise the children when I am no longer there. I would not want her to sleep around because I left six children for her to train.
So, few days to my 40th birthday, it happened that I came to CBN Benin to work. I opened up to my boss on my problem which was heavy on me. I told him that I needed permission to go back to Lagos and die in the presence of my wife and children. So, fortunately, I woke up on that 40th birthday morning and nothing happened to me till evening to the next day. So, as a memorial, I kept the shirt and trouser I wore on my 40th birthday till date. With time, the trouser faded away, but the shirt is still very okay and I used to wear it every birthday of mine. I will be 80 in December and I will still wear it. It also happened that I do not know my mother, according to stories. After my birth, my father’s family sent my mother away because she did not conceive within two years and got two wives for my father. So, I grew up with two stepmothers who gave my father 16 children. But I am the first and the head of family of 17 children.
Lady Vera: We suffered initially. His father did not want him to marry from my place because my people punished him when he was working there. But he insisted. As we got married, the father sent his younger brother to us to train. So, I told him don’t worry, we will use my police constable salary to feed, while you pay his school fees from your salary as a clerk in CBN then. We lived in a one room, face-me-I face-you apartment at Lafiaji, Lagos Island. Then I used to put my pot of soup under our bed, until an opposite neighbour packed out. We took the second room and converted it to our sitting room. In those initial challenges, God was with us in everything. I prayed God not to be widowed in my youth like some of my senior sisters. I also said if it is possible, by the time we are old, we will go home together.
Madam, why did you retire from your banking job early?
Lady Vera: I did not retire. Instead I resigned from my job from Owena Bank then. He told me after my graduation that when the children start furthering their education into secondary school, I would need to step down my career and concentrate more on them. So, on the 11th year of my banking career in Owena Bank, I resigned to take care of the children.
How do you celebrate your anniversaries?
Sir Lawrence: We do not do elaborate celebrations as a couple. What we normally do is go to Mass, cut cake privately. When I marked my 70th birthday, we went to Mass and renew our marriage vow. For my 80th, we will go for Mass and support the needy with what we have.
Lady Vera: We do not do elaborate things. From our morning mass, we support any orphanage with the little we can. For his 80th, we will do the same, but in our house, we will prepare food for our visitors.
Do you people quarrel at all, because your love and respect for each other is obvious?
Sir Lawrence: Do not forgot, I asked for a stubborn woman. So, when I remember it, I relax any anger. But then, I am the master. Apart from my nuclear family, I am the head of a family of 17.
Lady Vera: Quarrel over what? He is a quiet operator who does not understand that I am now an old woman. He still sees and treats me like a little girl. He will offend me and still send me on errand.
How did you manage your finances, because it brings issues between couples?
Sir Lawrence: Finance was never an issue for us. My wife does not tell me lies, not at all. I give her money and she will return the change. If I am not around and she has need for money, the moment I return, she will inform me. Therefore she remains my little girl.
Lady Vera: A man who sent me to school, loves me, why would I tell him lies or hurt him unnecessarily? My mother taught me to always return change whenever I am sent on an errand.
What fond memories do you remember in young marital journey?
Sir Lawrence: Once my father visited us, and I called my wife her name Vero, my father countered me. “For a woman who has given birth to this number of children, please call her Mama this… and that. I told my father I married my wife who is now the mother of my children. I did not marry a mother first. When I retired from CBN, I used to wash our clothes together including our undies. Some of my friends frowned at it and I said to them, but you go there regularly. We still bathe together and have never separated our bedroom, not for once. When I was still in active service in CBN, the moment I am transferred, I move my family with me. I never lived alone.
Lady Vera: He used to buy me sanitary towel, even when my daughters started the journey as well, he used to buy for all of us.
Are you one of those women who use sex as a weapon to fight back when there are issues?
Lady Vera: No, I do not. But you know, women are created somehow. You might not be in the mood at all times. Again, I read a lot of Mills and Boon novels where love and relationship grow from stage to stage. The time to touch, grow closer and finally.
Sir Lawrence: One night, I touched her, she said ‘I am praying rosary. And she prayed rosary all through that night. Meanwhile I used to prepare her in the day time to have easy access in the night. That particular night I needed her; she prayed her rosary all through. I prayed for a stubborn woman.
How did you handle his female admirers?
Lady Vera: I did not notice the bevy of women around him, even in his office then. He left all of them to marry me, so it did not give me headache. I did not notice anyone at all.
Sir Lawrence: For the female admirers, I was not blind. I looked but did not see. Three or four years ago, my wife told me of a man who was toasting her. I was happy because it meant I was doing my job very well. When a man toasts her, it does not disturb me because I know who she is. In our years in the banking industry, we would come back from work and open up on what transpired in our various places of work. We communicate a lot and it helped to build and shape our relationship.
What is his favourite food?
Lady Vera: He eats pounded yam and Ogbono soup every day. He can eat it as breakfast, lunch and dinner. Where we come from, we have a different way of making our soup. In his CBN days, if he had to go to Sokoto or Kano, it means he must be at Iddo by 3:00am. I will pound yam for him to eat before he leaves the house. He can eat at any time. I still pound yam till now, though civilization has helped with new food processing discoveries.
What is her favourite food?
Sir Lawrence: She likes fruit and can live on fruit all day. She also joins me to eat pounded yam.
What advice do you have for younger couples who want to be like the Okonofuas?
Sir Lawrence: I am a marriage counsellor and I tell the young ones, do not look for the future alone. Ask God to give you your own spouse – both men and women – because many of us are marrying glamour, we do not have time to communicate very well. We do not tell stories anymore. The use of the android phones has worsened the situation. It should be minimized. But then, it could get better if men and women are willing to do the journey responsibly.
Lady Vera: Are there boys who are willing to train their wives like my husband trained me to become a Master’s degree holder? In the first ten years of our marriage, he sent me back to school and took care of the children. Are there men willing to do so? Are the women ready to appreciate and respect the man’s view? He asked me to resign my bank job and face the home front, and I did. He also sent me to school. It was a huge sacrifice for both of us.
My advice for young ones is that boys must be boys around the girls, but the girl is the major determinant factor of what she wants. What you need more is his personality, and not sex. The moment sex starts happening in your relationship, it kills the marriage before it commences. For my sons in-law, I ask that sex should not be a priority before the wedding. I told them, wait until that wedding night, if her virginity is tampered with, come back and take your bride price. None came. Instead they thanked me for a job well-done.
