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How did you meet your wife and where?
Mr Samuel: I met my wife when I was transferred to Mongonu in Borno State. I met her in church, National Evangelical Mission, where we worship.
What was the attraction? Was it love at first sight?
Mr Samuel: I was teaching at a house fellowship level in her house. I watched her for some time and saw her as a godly woman.
Mrs Ruth: Yes, we met in church quite all right. According to our teachings and doctrine, he was not supposed to approach me directly. So he went through our Pastor who later called me and asked me to start praying because someone had come to him to say that he felt led to me in marriage. But he didn’t tell me who the person was. I also didn’t bother to find out. I told my friend about it. I told one of my mummies in the church to be praying along with me.
When you finally knew who it was, did you like him?
Mrs Ruth: Yes, I did. The attraction was that he was leading a godly life. Even though he was a policeman, he was born again and committed to the things of God.
Please tell us about your courtship.
Mr Samuel: Immediately after the Pastor finalised things, he gave me the go-ahead to meet with her. That was how we started a courtship. We started in 1990 and got married in 1991
What were your activities during courtship? Did you guys go clubbing or shopping together? Did she ask for transport fare to come and see you?
Mr Samuel: We lived in a Muslim-dominated area. So, all this talk about clubbing and dancing were not there. I never asked her to come and meet me anywhere. She never demanded anything, not even transport fare.
Mrs Ruth: Many suitors came to ask for my hand in marriage. But none impressed me as he did. What endeared him to me during the time was that he followed the godly way. After the Pastor finalised everything, he gave him the go-ahead to see me. I was looking at the future, not material things. So during that courtship, I didn’t go to visit him and he didn’t ask or pressurise me either, because it was not allowed. I asked him about his family background, his language and things I heard about his people.
Like what?
Mrs Ruth: I heard that when a Tiv man marries, his wife is for everybody. I heard they have that culture and I was wondering how that could be. But he assured me that it is not true.
After you met her, how long did it take you to propose?
Mr Samuel: It took two years and she said yes.
Mrs Ruth: After he proposed, I didn’t need to think about it again because we had already prayed.
While preparing for the wedding, did you go for an expensive or simple marriage? What was the reason for your choice?
Mr Samuel: We didn’t go for an expensive wedding because I did not have much. Moreover, our churches emphasise moderate weddings. Even the wedding gown, we didn’t go for a gorgeous one. It was simple.
Was a simple wedding your dream wedding?
Mrs Ruth: I believe that wedding should be simple. This is because it is just a day. But marriage is a lifetime journey. Family life lasts longer than the wedding day. Normally, in our church, National Evangelical Mission, we have a standard. And in Deeper Life which is his church, they also have a standard. So his pastor and mine worked together to guide us and we followed their instructions.
Being an inter-tribal marriage, what was the reaction of your people when you told them about this?
Mr Samuel: My father was late. But I had an elder brother. When I informed him, he did not oppose the marriage.
Mrs Ruth: My dad was not all that happy. He had a friend, a Tiv man who his people allegedly killed through witchcraft while he was in the barracks. So, my father was not happy with me getting married to a man from that tribe. But my mum, who was once a businesswoman that travelled a lot, mostly to Taraba and had many friends among Tiv, did not have any issue with my decision.
After marriage, how did you settle down?
Mr Samuel: As a policeman, I had to transfer my family to where I was. I married in Mongono and stayed in the Marte Local Government Area of Borno State. So, I had to apply to the police. They gave me a vehicle and I packed my belongings to Marte.
Mrs Ruth: We wedded on a Saturday, 28th of March, 1992. The following day, we went to church for thanksgiving. After the service, we took off to Marte. That was where we settled. At first, it was not very easy. Marte was a very quiet environment. All my life, I had been in a family house and surrounded by relatives and my parents. So, it was too quiet for me at first but I adjusted after some time. When we got to Marte, there was no Deeper Life church. So the church started in my house.
What was it like raising the children?
Mr Samuel: It was not easy because of finances. I was a salary earner. Sometimes, you collect money. You pay rent, buy food and buy baby items. But God was on our side and helped us. We were able to raise the children in a godly way.
Mrs Ruth: As a wife of a policeman, he was not always around because of his postings. We stayed in old Marte for some time. But he was later transferred to new Marte. I remember one time when our child was sick, I was alone. It was one of our pastors in old Marte who was a medical person that came to take care of us. But the good thing is that whenever I sent a message that we needed this or that, he always responded.
What was your first quarrel about?
Mr Samuel: We didn’t have many issues like that. As a married couple, whenever you have a misunderstanding with your wife, you don’t go to the extreme. You have to show understanding and settle it.
Mrs Ruth: The first that I can remember is that after we got married and packed to Marte, one day, he stayed out for a long time. I knew he went to stay with friends. But I’m a visitor, a new person, a new wife. So after I checked the time and he had not come back, I locked the door. When he came, he knocked and knocked. But I didn’t answer. In my mind, I said, ‘you decided to stay outside, so stay outside.’ After prolonged knocking and without a response from me, he decided to involve one of our most respected daddies. The man came. I opened the door and when they came in, he rebuked him for staying out late. He cracked a joke and we all laughed over it. The man said he knew that it wasn’t anything serious and that was the end of it. We didn’t even talk about it again. We don’t really quarrel or fight. After that day, even if he stayed out late, I didn’t get angry again.
How have you been coping with in-laws? Some people say in-laws are necessary evils. What do you think?
Mrs Ruth: In-laws that are born again and those who are not cannot be the same. His elder brother, of blessed memory, was very nice to me. I don’t know if he did say any bad thing to me because I don’t understand their language. But to me, he treated me very well and I appreciated him.
Mr Samuel: My in-laws have been nice. My wife is Mada by tribe from Wamba LGA of Nasarawa State. Despite the fact that they have their language, they speak a common language which is Hausa. So because I speak Hausa, they take me as their own. Anytime I visit, they receive me very well.
How do you relax after a hard day’s job?
Mr Samuel: I usually take a good bath and rest in my house. I don’t go out. I would stay indoors and either read my Bible or pray. But my hobby is reading the Bible and singing praises to God.
Mrs Ruth: I usually stay indoors and rest. I either lie or sit down quietly or listen to music. But my hobbies include reading and writing. I love writing. I can write a lot. I also love listening to music.
Looking back 30 years after your life together, would you say you have lived a fulfilled married life? What have been your challenges and successes?
Mr Samuel: God gave me a companion and later added children and by the grace of God, we are training them. They are our greatest achievements. I married my wife when she just finished secondary school. But now, she is a graduate, and most of my children are also graduates. That is a great achievement and we are all healthy. When I was working, we were always relocating from one house to another. But now we live in our own apartment. So, I’m happy.
Mrs Ruth: We passed through tough times, lack and the rest. We returned to Benue State in 2011. But in 2016, we had a fire outbreak. All we possessed, including our wedding pictures, were burnt. In fact, we only came out with our lives. But we are very grateful to God because those were material things. Our lives, which were more important, were saved.
What do you think is responsible for the violence and divorce we witness in marriages today? What are couples doing wrongly today that were not there in the past?
Mr Samuel: Marriage is an institution ordained by God. You can’t go into it without being mature. What am I saying? You start counting mature people from 18 years. But that is not the case with marriage. Some who want to marry should be around 25 years. This is because at that age, you are a bit mature enough to reason. But if you marry at 17 or 18, you may still be having a childish sense. So marriages are failing because of a lack of maturity. Lack of patience is also a factor. Marriage needs a lot of patience and love. If you are mature when something happens, you will be patient.
Mrs Ruth: I married at the age of 20. So age does not matter. Marriages fail for many reasons. One is pretence. When you are in courtship, don’t cover up. Don’t pretend. Let your partner know who you are. If he can cope, fine and if he can’t, you people can pray about it. Then there is need to be patient. Again, there is the problem of comparison. This breaks homes. Most couples compete with themselves. ‘I’m the breadwinner’; ‘I’m more educated than you are. Then, in-laws and neighbours; if you allow them to access your marriage and listen to everything you people say, it will lead to divorce. Pride and lack of respect for each other are other causes of divorce. Sometimes, because of little achievement, the man might begin to feel that his wife is no longer his class or level. Lack of godliness in the hearts also brings about divorce. Then the big one is poverty. Before you go into marriage, have something doing, the man especially. I don’t buy the idea of a young man going into marriage when he doesn’t have any tangible thing to do. It causes divorce. We must study and know the temperament of our partners. Many people hide or swallow a lot of things during courtship. But when you don’t know the temperament at that initial stage, it can cause a lot of trouble. Some people marry because they have seen their mates in the village go into marriage. Others, because their parents said they were married at their age. They just jump in without being prepared. Some others marry for sex. At the end, it doesn’t end well. Some marry because the woman is beautiful or the man is handsome. Some girls are tired of staying in their father’s house. Or they are poor and would like to pack and go live with a man who is not ready to accommodate them. They would be forcing themselves on him. Then there is the problem of culture. Some of our cultural practices have also done more harm than good. Some cultures pressurise young men to marry whether they are ready or not.
What advice will you give to people going into marriage?
Mr Samuel: I would advise young people to put God first. The woman is part of you. So, do not maltreat her. Those who beat their wives should stop doing so. Be patient with her and love her. That is my advice.
Mrs Ruth: While entering a marriage, ask yourself these questions: Do I love him or her? Do you want to live together? Then, pray. Be open. Ask your spouse questions about everything you need to know. Consult with your Pastor. Make further findings. Be patient. If you marry a woman and only care for her children, it’s another torture. For the woman, if you are supportive, don’t be proud. For God’s sake, do it happily, God will bless you and open more doors for you. Some men feel inferior when their wives are making progress in their chosen careers. Don’t feel bad. Instead, encourage, cheer and celebrate her. Don’t compare your family with another one. Know the strength of your partner. Don’t make him live above his means. Always find a way to settle your issues. Lastly, don’t copy other people’s culture. When things get tough, don’t begin to taunt your husband by saying: ‘do you know the kind of men that came to marry me? I pitied you and married you.’ If you say that you have scattered that marriage. Respect your partner.
