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It is quite unfortunate that a lot of men in sacramental marriages think the journey is about paying bills, copulation and having children as subsequently. Hell no. There is more to marriage than that.
In a beautiful relationship, where the going is good, while the man is still alive, his relatives behave themselves and would never attempt to take possession of the his property. It is a different kettle of fish from the moment the man dies. You see the once ‘loving’ inlaws change colour like the chameleon. Like Jack out of the box, they begin to dispossess the freshly widowed woman and her children of the man’s assets. I call such men careless and carefree individuals.
As a widow striving to raise three lovely children, I have met several other widows whose stories are so heart breaking, all because death dealt them heavy blow by taking away their husbands. It unfortunate that spouses avoid making preparations for the sudden demise of either of them. Men are more guilty of this than women. When some are even reminded of this by their wives, rather than see the wisdom in the suggestion they retort with this question: “Do you want to kill me and take over my properties?” Some would even summon the kinsmen for the wife, for ever advising him to write a will. This was the experience of Mr and Mrs Iruku. Mrs. Iruku, a middle-class civil servant was surprised when her in-laws summoned her to an early morning emergency meeting in her home. She thought the gathering for the usual Christmas party preparation because she was the second most senior wife in the family. With joy she walked into the sitting room only to see an assemblage of the senior daughters of the extended family, called Umu-Ada and the men at another corner. Inwardly, she wondered to herself if the family lost a member. While she was still reflecting on that, the eldest of the men cleared his throat in a gesture fir attention. Then he fired a question at Mrs Iruku. He said: “Come, how on earth could you ask your husband, our son, to write his will and keep with his lawyer? What are your plans? Do you want to kill him and confiscate his personal properties?” The mother of three was shocked to her marrow that her bedroom discussion with her husband had been thrown in the open to the extent of summoning a family assembly where the same husband was seated. The head of the Umu-Ada followed up by tongue lashing and warning her, without giving her a moment to speak, to clear the air. She left the scene and very angry with her husband for summoning such a meeting against her. The incident created a frosty situation in the home.
Generally, women are most by the death of a spouse. That is why stakeholders a striving to curb practices that hamstring women. When a wife passes away, no person would dare go to her widower to trouble him over her assets. Instead, after a while friends and kinsmen will encourage him to marry another wife.
There have been numerous instances when a man died and his siblings treated the wife and children badly, showing no care for their welfare. A recent case involved a chartered accountant who passed on without updating pension and entitlement documentations in his office records. Upon joining the company he had listed his brother as his next of kin. Whether as an oversight, plain carelessness or whatever he never changed the status quo to reflect his marital status until death came calling. Before one could say jack, without the knowledge of the late brother’s wife, he approached the company and claimed the brother’s death benefits. By the time the woman ended the period of mourning and went to late husband’s company, she got the shock of her life. The devil incarnate of a brother-in-law collected whopping sum of N11m, the entitlement of a man who died from complications that arose from vehicle crash. On interrogation, the brother-in-law said he asked for the lady’s hand in marriage and she turned it down; therefore he decided to make her suffer. What a wicked soul!
Questions come to mind: was the late man stupid failing to change status quo? Was his wife not trustworthy enough? If the wife was not trustworthy, why didn’t make arrangement to protect the children? Not even a plan for decent education for them? Can any man who refuses his children the basic needs which he can afford still qualify to call himself a responsible father? It is in situations of a man’s sudden death that various allegations would be made against the woman in an effort to deprive her of her late husband’s assets. A very sinful part is the so-called siblings of the man may be ignorant of the extent of the woman’s contribution to the acquisition of the assets the kinsmen would be angling to take over. Even if a woman made no financial contribution to acquisition of the family assets, the fact that she stood by him and encouraged him, bore children for him, provided supervision to the children, created a warm, peaceful environment that the man came back to after day’s economic activities encouragement, is a huge contribution that cannot be quantified in monetary terms. For the fact that they were legally married, her presence means a lot in the family including all he has. Family members of a man cannot force out a woman out of her home because her husband is no longer alive, or swindle her of her husband’s entitlement for any reason. When Ike and Daphne got married as young bankers, both could not be in the same organization, so the moment the marriage was announced, Ike took his leave to try his hand on other things which worked well while his wife also rose through the ranks and became an Assistant General Manager of the bank. At any given opportunity, Ike would raise his voice and tell all who cared to listen that whatever anyone sees in his household belonged to his wife and children. “You all know I married her as a banker, she is still there today, using loan to sustain and service most of the things you are seeing today. No one prays to die, but in case death knocks on my door, let no one come and fight with my wife over anything we own, just because she is from another tribe. Every thing, no matter how little, belongs to my wife and our children.
Now, if I may ask, the relatives who come for the widow and her children, does it mean they have nothing doing, to sustain them or just waiting for their brother to die so they can stripe the wife and children his assets. The worst is that the relatives of men who die without leaving anything behind, would never ask after their brother’s family including the children he left behind. The hapless woman and her children are left to fate, but God often shows up mightily for them.
I heard of a family that had been selling family lands and the proceeds were meant for the male children. Same relatives shared the money and excluded their late brothers.
Dear Men, the ball is in your court. No one plans to fail, rather people fail to plan. Keep your house in order, write your will, to protect yourself when you are longer there, even if you are not involved in polygamy. The time is now, speak up, do the needful, tell your family the whole truth with proven documents and evidence. It is not only about widows and in-laws. At times, siblings can draw daggers against each other because of their father’s property. Men, please make your marriage meaningful and protect your wife and children now that you are alive and when you die.
