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Stories of couples, especially of married women, committing suicide out of frustration abound these days. Mr. Walter and Kate Nkechinyere Onyenucheya say things don’t have to be so. The couple, who tied the nuptial knot on December 22, 1981, recommend mutual understanding, tolerance, love, respect and maturity as keys to long-lasting marriage. In this interview with BIANCA IBOMA-EMEFU, they not only revealed how they were able to deploy these qualities to good use in their marriage but also how couples can employ them to have a long-lasting relationship.
Can we have brief information into your background?
Mr. Walter: I am from Amaohoro, Nkpa, Bende Local Government Area of Abia State. After my primary education, I went to Pius Commercial School. Shortly after, I attended National High School, Port Harcourt Road, Aba. I had a brief stint with UTC. I became a certified banker, and a member of Association of Institute of Bankers (AIB) programme with the Institute of Bankers. I started my banking career with the Chase Bank. It later became Continental Merchant Bank before it was liquidated.
Madam Kate: I grew up in the eastern part of Nigeria. I am from Umugbalu, Oboro, Ikwuano Local Government, Umuahia, Abia State. I attended Methodist Primary School, Umuahia, and Amauzukwu Primary school, Umuahia. Later, I proceeded to Oxon Institute of Commerce, Umuahia. I equally attended Women Training College, Umuahia. I worked with the Ministry of Commerce and Trade in Owerri. I enrolled in a business training institute where I got a diploma certificate.
How did you meet your spouse?
Mr. Walter: I met her through pen pal.
Madam Kate: I met him through social media although what we had then was pen pal. I wrote an examination and the exam board was Business Training Institute. I was awarded a certificate, although it was a diploma certificate. I wrote them to express gratitude for the opportunity to be part of the programme. After I wrote the body, people started writing me and they would say pen pal. Some were suitors who indicated their interest in marrying me. While others came as friends, I decided to pick his own and reply. That’s how we started communicating.
What was the attraction?
Mr. Walter: I had a brother who was part of the examination board at the Business Training Institute. I saw her name, address and appreciation letter that she wrote to the Institute from my kinsman. I became interested because she was educated as well. I was impressed knowing she has gotten some level of formal education with a diploma certificate. I wrote her and we started communicating. After then, I requested for her photo. She sent it to me. I wanted someone from my place. When I discovered that she was from my locality, I invited her to Lagos.
Madam Kate: He sent me his photo and I equally sent mine. He gave me a telephone number where I could contact him. We were able to establish a relationship. I think I liked him, we continued relating.
How did you propose to your spouse?
Mr. Walter: She came to Lagos for her teachers training, and then I invited her to my place. And when she came, I told her about my intentions and that was it. Although she went to stay with her brother at Ogba, I was living around Dopemu. We had to involve our families. You know in Igbo land before a marriage ceremony is held, the families of the groom and bride would send emissaries to make enquiry about the family, to have information about the families’ character. They will ask if the family has a history of a mad person, among other enquiries before the intended couples marry. This is done without anybody’s knowledge. It’s like a private investigation.
Madam Kate: At the time we started relating, he asked me to marry him and I said yes because I was already pleased with his personality.
After you got married, what were some of the challenges you faced and how did you tackle them?
Mr. Walter: My wife wanted to work. I refused because I didn’t want her to experience the bustling life of Lagos where you have to jump on a moving Molue, the big, long public bus. I didn’t like the idea. But my wife kept pestering me and became sad about the situation. Whenever my friends came and saw her state – someone who used to be hospitable and very vibrant all of a sudden became docile because she didn’t feel fulfilled, my friends had to wade into the matter. That’s how I helped her to secure a job based on her skill as a typist.
Madam Kate: I had a lucrative job in Owerri and had not resigned my appointment before I got married. I decided to make a sacrifice so we wouldn’t have a divided home. I didn’t want work to bring a kind of distance when we were supposed to bond as couple. I told my husband that I wanted to work. But he refused and I was sad about it. I didn’t want to be a full-time housewife at that time. I wanted to contribute to the welfare of the home. It became difficult for me to understand his point because I was just interested in working. After my husband’s friend waded into the matter, he decided to get me a job as a typist in a firm at Ilupeju. My husband asked me, would you be able to cope with the bustling life of Lagos? We jump inside Molue, while it is still moving. I accepted. So when he brought the information about the vacancy, I applied and was invited for an interview. That was how I went for the job. I was taken after the interview was conducted. The salary I was offered was just N250 but the value of the cash then was huge.
How can a marriage relationship work, considering the fact that the couple came from different backgrounds?
Mr. Walter: Marriage is an institution that you get your certificate immediately you entered the union. The certificate signifies your marital status. In Igbo land, once you are married, you prepare your mind to be married. It is held with a high esteem because of the cultural beliefs attached to marriage. You place priority in your home. You try and maintain peace, joy and happiness. You co-habit but you must create a conducive atmosphere.
Madam Kate: Marriage relationship is maintained by a woman. The success of any home lies in the hand of the woman. A woman’s role in the home as an administrator is to ensure that every need of the home is met. She should know how to organise things, make sure the house is neat and have a beautiful ambience. If you see a home that has peace the woman makes efforts to keep it intact.
Recently women have been involved in violent acts and even taking toxic substances whenever there was a rumoured case of infidelity and end up dying. What’s your take on this?
Mr. Walter: In marriage you need to be patient with your partner because of the various phases you may experience. Whenever there is a misunderstanding, as a wife you should be calm and not employ emotions to act. Don’t take important decisions while you are angry. The challenge is that most spouses lack self-control. If you have someone with a choleric personality, what is needed is to know the person’s strength and weaknesses. Then you harness and channel the strength to positive use.
Madam Kate: Women need to be tolerant when it comes to marriage. Once you get married, you must endure the marital race just like Christ who for the joy of eternal life endured the cross. You must understand your spouse and whenever there is rocky water, you prayerfully fix things. A lot happens in every home. But the ability to secure and keep your home is very important. Marriage that has stayed for years and is still counting takes a lot of wisdom. There is no point killing yourself over an issue in a relationship. If it can’t be resolved then you should leave in peace than applying force. It’s sad that some women had to die in marriage. Don’t die and keep your kids traumatised. How do you expect them to live with the memory that their mum took her life because she had issues? Stay alive first and don’t die.
When you have conflicts in your home, how do you resolve it?
Mr. Walter: I do apologise whenever I offended my wife. I don’t feel proud not to tell her sorry. We eat together. So whenever she is angry, we resolve it maybe during meals or in the bedroom.
Madam Kate: Actually, any of us can apologise to each other. Also, anybody who causes the misunderstanding can apologise.
What would you say is the cause of marital turbulence in marriage these days?
Madam Kate: Women should not involve a third party in their marriage. They should try and understand the principle of submission. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in the home. Wisdom is the principal thing. You don’t need to copy another person’s lifestyle. You should know the values that govern your home. What are the rules set? Those are the major challenges. You don’t need to leave on another person’s terms. There are things that can cause problem, so those deliberate issues should be avoided. You must try and maintain peace and this comes when a couple communicates regularly. If you seek counsel from a third party, it would affect your marriage.
Mr. Walter: The problem with that is that Africans have thrown away their traditional belief and cultural values and embrace the western world view. This is where the problem lies. Every society has their norms which shaped them. You don’t expect a person who imitates another person’s culture to understand it better. There would be friction. Marriage has a family bond. It is a serious business. They make enquiries and find out about the family with whom their children intend to tie the knot. Since we have cultural beliefs and practices, why are we adopting a foreign culture? That is basically what is causing so much violence in the home? Igbo has a tradition, you will be told as a word of advice those days: “Once you are married, you are married.”
Most women are found off sniffing into their spouse’s phone and this has caused a lot of friction. What is your take?
Mr. Walter: There is no need for a man to hide his phone from his wife. You don’t need to place restrictions. If you hide your phone, you are hiding information from your wife. When my wife started working, she never owned an account. Her salary was placed in our joint account. We kept it for the home and every decision came through dialogue. Couples should stop hoarding information from their spouse. When you have a joint account it should be for the family, you can have a personal account to take care of the family. If you are hiding information, your kids are watching and will imitate you. Your marriage is an example for your kids to emulate. Instead of a failed marriage, you should remain single and be fulfilled. No need for infidelity. Instead of marriage to take your life, move out. Those days, they would tell you ‘see my daughter, instead of her to be disfigured, please, bring her back alive.’
Madam Kate: If there is love or you are in love with your spouse, you should have a level of trust for each other. You don’t need to check your husband phone if you trust him. There is nothing anyone can tell you that you should act on. Is there a need to be checking his phone? When I was about to get married to my husband, my mum told them she is a good child but she has choleric personality and my husband as well. My mum prayed that when his temper rises mine should be calm and when his rises that mine should be calm. That has been the grace we enjoyed in our home till date. My husband loves football, he is very strict. I know my place in the home, so it makes things easier. I don’t do things that I know would trigger a problem. I don’t think it is necessary to go and touch my spouse’s phone. You should have trust and if you had an affair before your marital relationship, make sure you end it. Don’t continue the relationship and say he is your ‘ex’. That is what brings problems in today’s marriages.
