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By Kate Halim
Sibling rivalry is an ongoing conflict between children raised in the same family. This conflict might occur constantly between blood-related siblings, stepsiblings, and even foster siblings. It might take the form of verbal or physical fighting just to get the attention of the parents.
Gloria Omosele is a mother of five. She told Saturday Sun that one of the things she told herself when she started having children was to be intentional about raising her children.
“Over the years, I kept reminding myself not to raise my children the same way my parents raised my siblings and me. As a child, I noticed I wasn’t my parent’s favourite child. They didn’t hide this from me. They treated me differently than they treated my younger ones. They praised my younger ones for doing well at school but scolded me all the time because I was slow when it came to academic work. Their attitude made my younger siblings disrespect me. I developed low self-esteem and ended up in many wrong relationships until I met my husband.”
Omosele, a businesswoman who deals in second-hand clothing, shoes and bags in Lagos said that one of the measures she put in place as a mother raising children with different temperaments is to love and affirm them equally.
“I don’t have a favourite child. I treat my children equally. I love and scold them when they misbehave accordingly. I teach them how to respect each other and I also insist the younger ones respect their older siblings no matter what. This has helped me curb the unnecessary attention they crave from my husband and me.”
Omosele noted that even with all the measures she put in place to curb rivalry among her children, there have been some issues among her three older children which sometimes degenerated into physical fights. “Once in a while, my first three girls argue and fight but I make sure I listen to their complaints, apportion blame correctly and punish the three of them for going physical with one another. I use that opportunity to teach them how to resolve conflicts without insults, bitterness and fights,” she said.
Ifeyinwa Madu noted that sibling feuds can manifest in different ways and if parents are not attentive to the signs, they might ruin their children’s relationship with one another for life. According to her, the most common example of sibling rivalry is when children compete for their parent’s affection.
Madu added that this can be in the mild form of working harder at their education and comparing grades and other achievements to prove they are better than their other siblings and if parents start leaning towards the child who is doing better at school, they start sowing a seed of envy and bitterness in their children.
She said: “I will say love is what helps. I taught my children to love and care for one other. I attend to their needs accordingly. I don’t have a favourite child. I teach them to ask for permission before using things that belong to their siblings. I constantly teach them respect for each other and respect one another’s boundaries. Above all, I pray for them all. This is how I keep rivalry at bay among my children and so far, I can say they are doing well.”
Greg Enurah told Saturday Sun that sibling rivalry is a serious issue which has to be nipped in the bud urgently by parents or guardians. He added that parents should understand that children are different and can’t have the same qualities or character. He said that when parents don’t pay attention to their children’s individual needs, they indirectly create rivalry among them because it will look as if they favour one over the other.
“I teach my children equality and drum it into their ears that none of them is superior to the other, but at the same time, I make the younger ones understand that they must respect the older ones and obey their instructions. I also create time to advise them and let them understand that outsiders will turn them against one another if there is no love and unity among them. Whenever I say this, they adjust immediately.”
For Nina Oleka, curbing sibling rivalry among her kids entails attending to them according to their personalities. She added that she takes time to make all her children feel special in their own way and comfortable in their skin.
“I teach them to look after each other and try to know when the other isn’t feeling right. Teaching them to respect boundaries has helped me reduce conflict among them. They know that they must ask for permission before using things that belong to their siblings. Most importantly, I am trying to teach them to turn rivalry into a healthy competition,” Oleka added.
Damilola Amos said that she doesn’t believe parents cause rivalry among their children because of the way they treat them. She noted that it is natural for siblings to fight, disagree, compete for their parent’s affection and attention and also strive to be the centre of attention all the time. She added that one of the things she does to quell unhealthy feelings among her children is to be attentive to their needs.
“Let me talk about a situation I handled recently. My daughter celebrated her birthday recently and her brother whose birthday comes in September didn’t allow us to rest at home with his demands. He also wants his birthday cake and celebration not minding that his birthday is in September. The funny thing was that last September, when he was celebrating his birthday, his sister cried too and demanded to be treated specially.”
Amos added that treating her equally has made them love each other more. She said that if she buys a toy for her son, he would insist that she buys his sister’s own and vice versa. “Whenever they are fighting, I watch them for a while before separating them. I listen to them and advise them not to fight because siblings should play and not fight. I know they will outgrow it as I did with my siblings. I was the only girl among five boys growing and we fought a lot but we don’t joke with one another today.”
Amos revealed that another thing she does to curb conflicts among her children is to understand how her children want to be loved individually. She stated that even though she loves her children equally, she doesn’t treat them the same because they are different. “My daughter likes to be kissed and pecked all over while my son would run and wipe his cheek off when I kiss him. Caning works for my daughter while punishment works for my son. My son insists on ‘mummy listen to me’ while my daughter doesn’t want to report, but when she’s sad, just hug her and rock side to side, preferably by her dad and she will be fine,” Amos said.
The mother of two said that she also curbs rivalry among her children by teaching them to apologise to each other, inquire about each other’s well-being, take care of each other and also to defend each other in private and in public. She added that above all, she prays for grace to raise her children right because she has seen children of good parents destroy one another because of envy and childhood rivalry.
Stephanie Yinkere, a child and gender advocate told Saturday Sun that one of the reasons for sibling rivalry is the desire for parents’ attention, hence the competition, fights and bickering among siblings. She noted that one of the ways to tackle sibling rivalry is to teach children to be assertive rather than aggressive. She added that instead of engaging in fights when verbally abused, children should be taught to use the right words which set boundaries and teach their siblings how they like to be treated.
Yinkere stated that parents should teach their children empathy and kindness rather than being rude, or naughty to their siblings. “As parents, children model our actions rather than words. Make them understand these values by being kind and empathetic. Always appreciate them when they model these values too as it helps reduces negative emotions.”
Yinkere, who is also a wellness coach, stated that curbing sibling rivalry is easier when parents establish family values like respect, and support for one another as this will help foster unity and love among siblings.
She added that parents should understand that sibling rivalry, if not handled properly, can lead to mental health challenges such as mood swings, anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. She said that there is a need for parents to teach their children coping techniques such as journaling, deep breathing, and pillow squeezing to calm their nerves rather than fight or scream when provoked by their siblings.
Yinkere added that another way parents can handle rivalry among their children is to avoid having favourites or letting their children know who they prefer among them as that will do more harm than good to the relationship of the children. “Parents should always ensure that each child’s contribution to problem-solving in the family is appreciated and they must avoid unnecessary comparison or competition among their children completely,” she said.
