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Dr. Okopi Alex Momoh, from Obotu-Ehaje in Ugboju District of Otukpo Local Government Area of Benue State, has been married to his sweetheart, Mrs. Ene Achetu Momoh from Obotu–Icho, in the same state, for 39 years. In this interview with SOLA OJO, the couple who live in Kaduna State shared, among other things, how they have been coping with marriage without the need for a third party’s intervention. They also have some pieces of advice for intending and married couples.
It is amazing how far you have come in this marital journey. Could you tell us how you met before the two of you became married?
Dr. Momoh: I met her in 1981. Then I served as a National Youth Service Corps member with the Niger Basin Development Authority in New Bussa, then in Kwara State. She was in Form 4 at St. Paul’s Secondary School, Otukpo in Otukpo Local Government Area of Benue State. I returned to my village, Obotu-Ehaje in Ugboju District of Otukpo Local Government Area of Benue State. It was during a break after the NYSC orientation programme in August 1981. From home, I went to visit my grandmother’s sister who was married to her (my wife’s) grandfather in the next village, Obotu–Icho, less than one kilometre away. Coincidentally, she came there that day to visit her uncle in her grandfather’s house. Her father lived in another village, Ogoli which is about two kilometres away. She was beautifully dressed in a flowing gown. She was about to leave when I came calling. She was standing by the side of the lady’s bicycle that she came with, ready to leave. When I saw the tall, elegant girl with her matching well-shaped legs, I just told myself that God had shown me my wife. I could not remember the last time I saw her because her aunt took her away from home when she was young to bring her up in Kano. When she saw me, she respectfully greeted me. I asked whose daughter she was. She told me. She was brought home from Kano for her secondary school education. I was very close to her family. Her parents knew me very well. The following day I went to visit her family where I met her aunt who knew me very well. I repeated the visit on the third day. I first mentioned my mission to her aunt before I discussed it with her. She accepted my intention but hinted that she was proving very difficult with men as she had turned down many suitors. I later met her and proposed marriage to her. She did not agree. She told me that she was already considering somebody else. I did not give up. I continued to visit every day to persuade her to agree to my proposal. Somewhere along the line, I met her parents and told them about my plan. They accepted me. My final visit before I left home for NYSC station was a long discussion with her. She interviewed me seriously before finally accepting to marry me. We eventually got married on November 5, 1983.
Was it the same story with you, or are there details you would like to add?
Madam Ene: The details my husband gave are correct. Sometimes as a young girl, many people would be coming to ask for one’s hand in marriage. You may not know who the right man for you is. You must go to God in prayers, and you must also listen to your parents because they know the families in the village more than you do. I prayed to God to give me the right man. I also listened to the counsel of my parents. Thank God that at the end of the day we agreed and now we have been successfully married for 39 years.
Was there opposition from anywhere – relatives, friends – concerning your marriage?
Dr. Momoh: The only opposition I had then was from my mother. She felt I was too young to marry. She was of the view that I should start work before looking for a wife. I, however, insisted that since I had found a girl I liked I would go ahead with the marriage. We would build our home together from the beginning. My mother eventually agreed and worked for the success of the marriage. My mother might have also thought that if I married early, I might not pay attention to their welfare. My wife and I proved her wrong. My wife and I took good care of her until she passed on to glory in December 2011.
Madam Ene: I had some opposition from some relatives and friends who felt that I should finish my higher education before getting married. Since my husband promised to take care of my higher education, I did not bother.
What made you go for your wife?
Dr. Momoh: I really did not have difficulty in deciding to marry her. When I saw her, she met all my physical criteria of beauty, height and good legs. The next consideration was the family background. Our families were well known to each other which made background checks very easy. She is from a very popular family in my place. Her grandfather was a well-known community leader, and her father was a wealthy farmer. My investigation showed that she was very religious and well-behaved. It did not take me much time to confirm this. She has not changed since we met. She is still very religious, humble, sensible and homely. My decision to marry her is the best decision of my life so far.
What qualities made you choose him above other eligible bachelors or suitors?
Madam Ene: I did not know much about him when he met me and proposed the marriage. I relied on what my parents, uncles and aunts told me about him and his family. His grandmother’s sister was my grandfather’s wife. My uncles from his grand-aunt were also his uncles. He was already well known to our family. In addition, I admired his calmness and gentle disposition.
How did you propose to her? Could you recall some of the words you said to her to make her accept your marriage proposal?
Dr. Momoh: After several days of visiting the family, I finally met her and told her that I wanted to marry her so that we could build a home together. It was a simple proposal. I did not have to paint any big picture or cajole her to accept the proposal.
What did you say when he proposed? What exactly did he say and what was your response?
Madam Ene: When he made the proposal, I told him that I was already considering another man who had come earlier. He asked if I knew the man very well and his family background. He advised me to diligently find out about him and the man before taking a final decision.
What do you remember most about your wedding?
Dr. Momoh: During the time of our wedding, there was no such thing as a church wedding in our place. It was simply traditional marriage. We went to my mother-in-law’s village, Adoka which was about four kilometres from our village for the traditional marriage. What I remembered vividly is the bride price of N120. Two days after the traditional marriage on November 5, 1983, my wife was handed over to me. Thereafter, we left for Ajaokuta Steel Company Limited where I was working to start living together as husband and wife.
Madam Ene: The traditional marriage took place in my maternal uncle’s house in Adoka. The traditional marriage rights were very fascinating to me. They had to give money for ‘kola’ to all my mother’s close relatives and hide me while discussions were going on. After the bride price was paid, I was called to pick some money from it to signify my acceptance of the marriage.
Could you remember your first marriage misunderstanding and how you handled it?
Dr. Momoh: I cannot remember our first misunderstanding. However, we have never had any major misunderstanding that we could not handle by ourselves. We have never had any external intervention in our affairs.
Madam Ene: I too cannot remember our first misunderstanding. It is difficult to remember because we do not keep records of offences. Whenever we settle our quarrels, we forgive each other and forget the offence.
What’s your partner’s favourite food?
Dr. Momoh: My wife does not really have favourite food. Rice and pounded yam may compete for the position.
Madam Ene: As an Idoma man from Benue State, my husband likes pounded yam. But his favourite food is rice and beans.
What do you like most about each other?
Dr. Momoh: My wife is a very caring, selfless and prudent woman. She is not wasteful at all. She does not copy other women. She has very few selected friends with good moral standing and honour. I know all her friends. In our 39 years of marriage, my wife has never bought anything on credit from anybody or anywhere for me to pay. She takes extra steps to make sure her husband and her children are comfortable always. She cares for my people a lot. She asks me often to do things for my people to keep them happy. When my parents were alive, she used to buy things for them even without my knowledge. She is very accommodating. Many of my relatives have stayed in our house. She never complained. She is God-fearing and very religious.
Madam Ene: My husband is very passionate about education and self-development. He wants people around him to be educated. He has a big library in the house with a lot of books. He is a very hard-working man who is always dedicated to his work. He does not want to see people around him hungry. He always makes sure there is enough food in the house all the time.
What areas would you like to see improvement in your spouse?
Dr. Momoh: Sometimes my wife reads a different meaning to what I do or say, thereby creating tension. An improvement in this area will guarantee a sustained cordial relationship.
Madam Ene: My husband used to get so involved with his work both in the office and at home without having much time for the family. I want him to improve in that area.
What advice do you have for a young bachelor who intends to marry?
Dr. Momoh: My advice to young bachelors is that they should look at marriage as a lifetime investment, the success of which depends on the character, attitude and actions of the investor. They must be very careful in choosing a wife as a life partner. Traditionally, choosing a wife is a process that involves extensive background checks on the girl’s character, family history, and cultural practices of her people, especially in inter-tribal marriages. These considerations cannot be jettisoned for modern technology to select wives through social media platforms. Do not wait to become a millionaire with all the necessities of life before you marry. Let your parents know about your choice and listen to their advice.
What advice do you have for a spinster who intends to marry?
Madam Ene: Good husbands are rare to come by these days. Many of the young men are without profiting jobs. It is difficult to make a good living and raise children properly. I advise girls who want to marry to make sure that in addition to their educational qualifications, they have specific skills that they can rely on to support their families when they marry. You should also make sure you get basic home training on how to cook good meals and always keep your home clean and tidy. Make sure your character and attitude always show that you can be a good wife.
How can couples avoid divorce these days? How can their marriages last as long as yours?
Dr. Momoh: For the husband, make sure you love your wife dearly and honour her. The wife should love and respect her husband dearly. Avoid any activity that will bring disgrace to each other. Quarrels are bound to happen. But make sure you settle all your issues by yourselves and between two of you only in your bedroom. After settlement, you can sleep well together.
Madam Ene: Never allow a third party’s intervention in your family affairs. Not even your parents, brothers, sisters or friends should hear about any misunderstanding between the two of you. Learn to apologise when you are wrong. And be quick to forgive each other. Whatever you do, your children will be watching you. If you make your affairs public, other people will be watching you. And they may be ready to expand your crises to disgrace you. We have built our marriage on understanding and compromise. These have kept us together these 39 years.
