Serious troubles between marital partners in recent times have started to scare away young people who are due for marriage, making them have second thoughts about wedlock.
Now, to a lot of people, their paths crossed with their God-given husbands and wives earlier in life, but they carried on as mere romantic friends before moving on in life. Then many years after they may meet again during school re-unions, and at such events, reignite the flames and realise that they made mistakes in not letting the previous romantic relationship of their youth lead to marriage. A good number of such soulmates are filled with regrets, and wishing that the hand of the clock could be rewound. These underlying reasons and many more are the reasons for frequent marital issues in homes.
Again, the frequent quarrels between spouses which often happen in the presence of their children is gradually causing mental torture to the young ones, who witness such quarrels between their parents with the attendant rain of verbal insult and physical fight. Together, the unsavoury is affecting their education, mental health, and reasoning. On several occasions teachers have discovered that the poor performance of their pupils can be attributed to toxic home environment in which they have to endure. With time they develop attitudes that are insensitive and anti-social.
A recent viral video featured a secondary school where a boy thoroughly beat up a female classmate. Most netizens who watched the video commented that the boy such violence from home, apparently have often witnessed his father beat his mother.
Again, during a condolence visit to a newly widowed woman in my area, I was left in shock by what her children said. In the middle of my conversation with Mrs. John, the widow, her daughter, Nicole, a university graduate boldly said: “If my mummy had left my daddy early in her marriage when she saw the red flags, she would not have been in her present situation.”
I was still trying to digest what I heard, when she said more: “From the stories my mother told me, photographs she showed me, schools attended, vibrant foreign business trips, her comfort and beauty, she would have conquered poverty at all cost. The moment she married my father, she stopped her foreign trips and shut down her fashion business, just to please my father. While growing up as their first daughter, I witnessed my father bully my mother, called her all sorts of names. My mother faced verbal and physical abuse. It got so bad I thought I would return from school one day to see another woman in the house because that was a constant threat to my mother.”
After listening to her pour out her frustration and calmed down a bit, I gently said: ‘That your mum was not lucky to enjoy her marriage does not mean it will be like that for you too.’ She took it from me again: “No Aunty, I am not interested in marriage. I don’t think I can live with men who has attitude. In fact, I have dated two and saw my father’s selfish behavior in them and quit immediately.” Well, I said to her, in your next relationship, stop looking for your father’s character in another man, be positive and open-minded.
Nicole and many ladies who have suffered different degrees of mental abuse from their parents, neighbours or guardians are so confused and scared of getting married. They do not know what might materialize when marriage happens for them. Worse is the fact that many men are eager to demand for sex from any lady around them and still claim they love you, how does all this relate.
The essence of being careful in one’s choice of a life partner is because there have been cases where the journey has lifted the couple to an enviable height, whereas in some other cases, it was the exact opposite including those who were guided by their religious heads. The marriage of a popular respected pastor crumbled when both proceeded to United Kingdom for their honeymoon. Pastor-husband returned after as at when due and wife got carried away with the fantasies, whims and caprices of a civilized country and simply refused to return with her husband to Nigeria. It took the intervention of the General Overseer of the church who visited her after years to find out what was amiss. At the airport, supposed pastor’s wife who has been swept off by the new found life style in London came to the airport to receive the G O with cleavage revealing top that pushed out her boobs admiringly, her ripped jeans and large dangling earrings. G O was shocked from the picture of her wedding day in his memory to what he is seeing physically. Both met and married in the church. So, it is not about the church, it is about someone’s mindset, attitude and behavior towards his or her partner.
To tell that single women are not the only ones who are confused and frightened in marital journeys; David Adedeji Adeleke, a Davido, a Nigerian-America singer and songwriter is still thanking God for the gift of his wife Chioma who he met in school. “In his happy moment, he said “When I met Chioma, I have started music but not as big as it is now. I can practically state that I met her when I was a nobody. If it is now, it would have been difficult to choose a wife, because you might not get what you exactly want. Chef Chi’s food is different. She is my genuine woman anytime, any-day. Most single ladies will flock around you in pretense for the money.” In the same vein, business mogul, socialite and Chairman, Cubana Group Obinna Iyiegbu popularly known as ‘Obi Cubana’ is over the heels in love with his wife he met as a hustler in Abuja according to him. “My wife came to eat from my restaurant when I was running my restaurant business, I served her Egusi soup and eba which she ate and forgot her Law school certificate in my restaurant. I kept it well knowing she must surely come back for the certificate and true to my words, she back and everything became history. In our struggling days, we used to wash clothes for families to pay us. If it is now that God has blessed me, how would I choose a wife?
To heighten the fears in choosing a partner, Nicholas has made it big even as a divorced businessman. It is so difficult for him to choose a woman close to his heart. “Every woman wants to follow me. None has ever turned down my invitation. How do I know who is genuine or not, including the ones in the villages? It is a bit difficult for me to choose from the crowd. I am still searching.” He said.
Again, one needs to hear the story of Joseph and his apprentice brother Ike. Joseph was a spare parts business man from Anambra state, who married Blessing from Imo state. Blessing truly became a real blessing unto her husband and family. Loved and cherished by all. Now, it was Ike’s turn to marry, he chose to follow his brother’s foot step in marriage and fell in love with Amaka, another lady from Imo state. His union became very chaotic. Full of trouble with regular police involvement until both went their separate ways after four years. To Joseph, his Imo in-laws were the best, while his brother and his in-laws were always at loggerheads.
Interestingly, I started by congratulating the singles, because after reading this piece, they should be able to see future through the character of their partners. The red flags will always show, but some chose to ignore it. So many ladies had rushed into marriage out of time and age factor. Some just dabbled into it to facilitate procreation before menopause knocks at one’s door. I congratulate many who have called off their intending struggling marriages because they now have the opportunity to start afresh. For both sexes, look out for an honest, respectful, confidential and trust-worthy partner. If he or she is pretending, you must surely know. Those men who strikes a deal with this language, ‘I want a wife material, also know that a woman wants a husband material. He who must go to equity must go with clean hands and justice.’ Those who want to preach justice, be just. One cannot be a nuisance and expect the heavens to fall during marriage.
While we pray many homes are healed, congratulations to all singles. Be wise, choose appropriately before the final walking down the aisle.