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• Exorbitant marriage lists from bride’s families frustrating intending grooms
By Ngozi Nwoke
Across Nigeria, there have been reported cases of suitors abandoning relationships or cancelling marriage plans after being presented with marriage lists they consider unrealistic and demanding.
The financial implication is reported to exceed an average young man’s income, turning what should be a union of love into a transaction many simply cannot afford.
While bride price is a compulsory cultural practice, the alleged exorbitant marriage list is rumoured to create a crisis where love is priced out.
In Rumuodara, Obio/Akpor Local Government Area of Rivers State, Ichechi Ogbonda still preserves her traditional marriage invitation cards, which were never sent out.
The invitation cards which were printed two years ago, had the inscription, “Join us to celebrate Ichechi & Nnanna: 12th December 2023 at bride’s family residence.”
The date passed quietly. The engagement ended six months earlier, after Nnanna Eziobodo, her partner of six years, received the marriage list from her family which he couldn’t possibly afford.
The list ran to 82 items: cash components in naira, 25 tubers of yam, 12 bottles of Whisky, 30 crates of soft drinks, 18 wrappers, 14 bags of rice, a live cow, 13 live fowls, and a demand for a tricycle for the father-in-law. The total cost was about ₦4.8 million, while Eziobodo, a secondary school teacher in Port Harcourt, earned ₦120,000 monthly.
From recent reports, stories like that of Ichechi Ogbonda and Nnanna Eziobodo are becoming regular and worrisome.
In Owerri, Imo State, Ugochukwu Nwosu called off his wedding three weeks to the traditional ceremony. His fiancée simply identified as Adaora, hails from a prominent family in Orlu Local Government Area.
Narrating his ordeal to Saturday Sun, he revealed that even his fiancée tried to mediate in the high and endless demands from her family, but the elders stood firm and he lost in the end as he was being pressured beyond his financial capacity.
He said: “The elders said it was ‘our custom’ and that I should not reduce the honour of their daughter,” Nwosu recalls. “The list included ₦1.5 million for ‘kola presentation,’ 20 cartons of Schnapps, 50 pieces of Ankara for in-laws, and a generator for the village hall. I told them I could not. They said if I loved her, I would find a way. People say I was stingy, but I was realistic. I am not against tradition. I am against pricing a woman like a commodity.”
The intending couple dated for four years, but have long moved on to live in different cities.
Also, in a viral video on social media, a lady with the profile name, Nkechi from Okigwe, Imo State, described how her cousin left his fiancée after seeing the marriage list and never went back.
“They asked for ₦2 million as ‘head money’ alone. My cousin is a sales marketer who had just finished his Master’s programme and needed to start a family. Where would he get huge amount of money? We advised him to cancel the marriage plans or postpone it, which he did postpone.”
She went on to narrate that her cousin’s fiancée made the matter worse as she insisted on a lavish ceremony, but was not willing to support her cousin financially.
In contrast, the perception varies across communities. In Benin City, Edo State, Osariemen Aigbe maintains that what others consider to be expensive could be affordable to others, adding that her marriage process was smooth and affordable.
“Our marriage rite in Benin is not a burden. When my husband came, we sat with both families. The elders asked for what was reasonable: kola nuts, drinks, and a modest cash amount for the bride price. It was ₦50,000,” she says. “Nobody demanded a house or a car. The focus was on prayers and unity. Suitors have been coming to my family successfully because we keep it simple.”
Aigbe noted that no outrageous demands were made, stressing that the ceremony focused on prayers and unity rather than material wealth.
“Nobody demanded a house or a car. The focus was on prayers and unity. Suitors have been coming to my family successfully because we keep it simple,” she added.
Also speaking, Sunday Koleosho Whyte, noted that Yoruba marriage rites across the South-West remain largely affordable and family-driven, with the financial burden rarely placed solely on the groom.
He said that while practices vary slightly from state to state within the Yoruba geopolitical zone, the core values remain consistent.
He said: “Yoruba marriage rites vary from state to state within the Yoruba geopolitical zone. However, they all share similarities. It is a family ceremony that does not limit the whole cost to the groom. The social standard of the groom is often put into consideration when preparing the bride’s list.”
According to him, the culture upholds the principle that “a lady is not for sale,” which often results in families accepting a token amount as bride price or returning whatever money was paid, accompanied by a public declaration of the stance.
Whyte acknowledged that a few families make heavy demands, but said such cases are not common among Yorubas. He attributed the exceptions to the attitude of individual families rather than the culture itself.
“Few families are seen to make huge demands from the groom, but this is not common amongst Yorubas,” he said.
He explained that affordability is maintained because both families typically share the responsibility. The groom’s family often supports meeting the items on the bride’s list, while refreshment and other expenses are not left to the groom alone.
“Both families contribute to foot the bill,” Whyte said. “One thing is certain, there are lots of souvenirs and takeaways to make the event memorable.”
The comments come amid growing public debate on the rising cost of traditional marriages in parts of Nigeria, with some grooms reportedly abandoning wedding plans over what they describe as excessive demands.
To elaborate further, cultural advocate Adelani Adesanya shared that marriage rites in Yorubaland do not typically cause couples to delay or reconsider marriage, describing the customs as structured but flexible and rooted in mutual respect.
Speaking on the expectations around Yoruba marriage traditions, Adesanya noted that while the culture places strong emphasis on respect for elders, families, norms, and heritage, it does not impose burdensome demands that discourage unions.
“In the Yoruba race, I will say no,” he said. “We don’t ask for too much, but the lady’s family is always curious to know the level of readiness of a man wanting to marry.”
Adesanya explained that Yoruba marriage rites begin with background checks, “Molebi”, where both families discreetly inquire into each other’s history to rule out hereditary illnesses and social vices. This is followed by the formal introduction, Imotiti, where the groom’s family visits the bride’s family to state their intention.
The engagement, Idana, is a vibrant event anchored by traditional compères for both families. After the presentation of symbolic gifts and bride price, the couple is pronounced husband and wife.
After prayers and blessings, the bride is formally released to her husband’s family in a rite called Ìmúni-lọ́lẹ́. Her family often provides household items to help her start her new home.
Adesanya stressed that elaborate weddings are not mandatory in Yoruba culture. He said the scale of the ceremony often depends on the financial standing and social position of the bride’s family, with some couples starting life together immediately after the introduction or holding small ceremonies later.
“Some couples organise their own weddings many years after having children and living comfortably. So, it is vis-a-vis in Yorubaland,” he said.
In Port Harcourt, Tamunoemi George, a contractor who married in 2010, echoes similar view, “In Rivers State, our bride price is not meant to impoverish a man,” he says. “It is symbolic. If a family starts bringing a list of 30 items, the elders will caution them. The community frowns at it. My brother married last year and the whole process did not exceed ₦800,000. People still come for our daughters because they know we are not selling them.”
To understand the split, Saturday Sun spoke to the custodians of tradition. Across Nigeria’s ethnic groups, the interpretation of bride price varies widely.
Obinna Eze, a native of Nsukka, Enugu State and a titled elder of the Igbo community, says the problem is not tradition, but greed.
“Bride price in Igbo land is ‘igo mmanya,’ a token for the wine. It is not meant to buy the woman. But today, some families turn it into a business. They forget that if the marriage fails, no refund will bring back the years lost,” he says.
Musa Bello, a Sarkin Gida of the Hausa-Fulani region from Kano State and based in Lagos, explains that Islamic marriage places emphasis on mahr, a gift from groom to bride.
“The Prophet said the best mahr is the easiest. In our area, a mahr can be as small as ₦10,000 if both families agree. If you make it expensive, you are the one pushing young people into sin. Our duty is to make marriage easy, not hard.”
Edem Okon, an Efik man from Calabar, based in Lagos, noted that dowry in his community has been streamlined, “We used to have long lists. Now, the Council of Chiefs has a standard list. It is public. No family can add extra items without approval. If we don’t do this, our sons will keep running to other states to marry.”
Cyril Sunday Eze, a chieftaincy title holder from Anambra State says the trend reflects a clash between tradition and modern economic reality.
“The frustration is not just cultural; it is economic. If a man has the money in abundance, he will gladly pay all the requirements, but Nigeria’s youth unemployment rate is high, and inflation has made things worse. For a young man earning the minimum wage of ₦70,000, a ₦3 million marriage list is 42 months of salary, assuming he saves everything and spends nothing.
“Tradition was designed in an era where families lived in extended compounds and wealth was communal. Today, the nuclear family bears the burden alone. When the list does not adjust, the relationship breaks,” he says.
He also points to a gender angle. “Some families unconsciously use the list to compensate for years of investing in their daughter’s education. But marriage is not a reimbursement scheme. That mindset destroys it.”
In Lagos, a growing number of young couples are opting for court marriages first, then hold the traditional rites later, or hold the traditional marriage in a “parlour setting” form. Others are negotiating privately with the immediate families before the official public presentation.
