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Dennis Okocha holds Bachelors’ and Masters’ degrees in Political Science from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka (UNN), and the University of Lagos, (UNILAG), respectively. His wife, Nnennaya, is also a graduate of UNN but today a dentist practising with a community health centre in Cleveland, Ohio, United States. They have been married for 25 years. In this interview with JULIANA TAIWO-OBALONYE, in Abuja, they share what has kept their marriage going for this long as well as proffer some pieces of advice to young and intending couples.
How did you meet before you got married?
Dennis: I met Nnennaya at our family house when she came to visit us in the company of her friend. After a brief introduction and pleasantries, we started talking along with getting to know each other. The rest is now history. Here we are 25 years later.
Nnennaya: I met my husband in 1992 at his parents’ home. I had accompanied a friend to see her friend who happened to be his sister. Just before we left her brothers who had gone to a meeting with their dad returned. After exchanging pleasantries, Dennis decided to join his sister to see us off. From there, we struck up a friendship that led to a relationship and to marriage.
Was there any opposition from anywhere, relatives, friends, concerning your marriage?
Dennis: None that I can remember.
Nnennaya: There was no opposition that I remember, I heard from my siblings that our mom was concerned about the distance between our hometowns but my dad told her that was inconsequential and that was that. Everyone in my family loved and accepted Dennis the first time they met him.
What made you decide to go for your wife?
Dennis: Good question. From my first interaction with Nnennaya, she was quite intelligent and shared similar family values as myself. We liked similar things, and of course, went to the same University (UNN)), although we never crossed paths when we were in school.
What qualities made you choose him above other eligible bachelors or suitors within that period?
Nnennaya: One of the first things that struck me when I became friends with my husband was his character. He is very good-looking, don’t get me wrong. But I had trained myself to look beneath the surface and I had a dad and big brothers who modeled what a man should be and act like. Dennis impressed me greatly with his straightforward attitude, honesty, and strength of character. He is smart and very outstanding. As a young woman, I was attracted to smart guys, guys who could hold their own in a conversation and who are interested in what I have to say. Dennis is a straight shooter: what you see is what you get. As our relationship progressed, I came to see his strong sense of duty, his focus, and his dogged determination for excellence in whatever he did.
How did you propose to her? What exactly did you say to her to make her accept to marry you?
Dennis: I popped the question to Nnennaya, that I wanted to marry her. There was no kneeling and exchange of engagement rings. It was not formal or with pomp. I am glad she accepted.
What did you say when he proposed? What exactly did he say and what was your reply?
Nnennaya: His proposal was really simple and straightforward. My husband is not given to theatrics and he is not really a romantic person, though he has improved greatly in that area. I remember we were sitting at his reading desk in his room when he asked me to marry him. By then, I was in love with him and my answer was YES! He proceeded to let me know that he was waiting on an immigrant visa application his parents had filed for him as an unmarried dependent child to come through, meaning, we could not get married until he got his visa, went to the US, got his green card and came home. I said okay. He laid his cards on the table. So I knew from the word go what I was getting into. We had a long courtship as a result but he was honest and open; so it was no surprise when things unfolded.
What do you remember most about your wedding?
Dennis: A lot of people were willing and offering to assist us before, during, and after the wedding. If it were a measure of how one meant to the individuals, it was a true test. Lots of people from my place of work at that time – Fountain Trust Merchant Bank, people from Church, RCCG Apapa Parish, Igbobi College Old Boys Association, and childhood friends were in attendance. It was a memorable occasion.
Nnennaya: What I remember most is how things came together. We did not have a lot of money for a lavish wedding so we planned within our budget and everything came together beautifully. God honoured us. It was a beautiful wedding and we started our new life without any post-wedding debt.
Could you remember your first misunderstanding in marriage and how did you handle it?
Dennis: I can vaguely remember, but it may have been about making most of the decisions of being called out for not communicating those decisions properly. We resolved the issue and as I said, earlier, I can hardly remember all the details.
Nnennaya: Not sure about this one. Seven months after we got married, he had to go back to the US to work and then file a visa for me to come over which meant we had to leave apart for a while. This was not a problem because we both knew that would be the scenario even before we got married. His parents wanted me to get pregnant before he came over to the US and so his dad wrote and asked him to take me to see a doctor get a physical and make sure all was well with me and no obstacles to conception. I know my father-in-law meant well but I was very affronted. I was already pregnant by then but told him he could not tell his parents yet. And, of course, refused to go see the doctor they recommended. Dennis was most unperturbed and refused to be drawn into a quarrel with me. He felt it was a storm in a teacup and I was getting riled up unnecessarily.
What do you like most about your spouse?
Dennis: I like Nnennaya’s opinions and critique on issues along with the way she analyses them. I like to bounce things off her to get her perspective. It helps me to stay balanced and, often look at things from a different point of view. Nnennaya is very intelligent, honest, devoted and truly loves me. She is also very respectful and humble.
Nnennaya: What I like most about my husband is his strength of character. I trust him implicitly. He is a man of integrity and strong moral character. He cares about his image but above all, his character matches the image that you see. He is honest, strong, hardworking (maybe a little too much hahaha) and very goal-driven. He’s a wonderful role model for our sons. And the icing on the cake; he is “easy on the eyes”!
What areas would you like to see your spouse improve?
Dennis: Less critical. At times she asks too many questions, which may come across as grilling. These tendencies may come across as brash, but ultimately, are very genuine.
Nnennaya: I would like him to improve in the area of empathy, not be too rigid, and to realize that I am not as strong as he is and cannot always push myself the way he does. To cut us all some slack. He has actually come a long way in this area but a little more would be good. I would like him to communicate more, to actually sit down and discuss things before making a decision. I would like more leisure time and vacations with him and the boys if possible.
What advice do you have for a young bachelor who intends to marry?
Dennis: Marry someone that you truly love, someone that will complement you; someone that has your genuine interest at heart. You must have similar values of life and be open to one another. Sharing the same faith is very crucial.
What advice do you have for a spinster who intends to marry?
Nnennaya: For spinsters intending to marry, I would like to say that marriage is a good thing and your desire is good and godly. But remember your life does not start when you get married. Your life has started already and is passing day-by-day moment by moment, so don’t put off living because you are not yet married. Enjoy your life now. Have fun. Live. Do exciting things. Take a vacation. Pamper yourself. Dress well. Eat well, basically have a life. Don’t put a pause on it. Just remember to stay within godly boundaries. Be happy now, marriage will not make you happy if you are not happy now. Invest in yourself. Take a class, learn a skill, read, read and read; about marriage and anything else that catches your fancy. Add to yourself. Seek out godly mentors and role models. Don’t run away from people who will hold you accountable. Accountability is good for your safety. Build in yourself those virtues you would like in a partner.
And when you do meet someone, open your eyes as you open your heart. Pay attention to who they really are. Don’t be carried away by “packaging”. Watch how your love interest treats not just you but other people especially subordinates. Watch how they treat their family. Pay attention so you are not deceived. Watch out for red flags and run if you see the danger. People do not change because you put a ring on their fingers. Establish boundaries for your life. Do not allow your life to become a revolving door for all types of ill-bred people. Have value in yourself and refuse to be devalued. Know what constitutes minor infractions to overlook and what are red flags to flee from. Pray that God will lead you in a marriage decision. Pray for the home you want. God is faithful and trustworthy, so trust Him!!
Divorce cases are rampant these days. What advice would you give newly married couples on how to make their marriage last?
Dennis: Divorce often arises from irreconcilable differences. These differences are usually not a one-time occurrence. They are usually things that have been manifesting and were never adequately addressed. The individuals may also have been at the fringes of the same issue from the very beginning of the relationship but have been glossing over the issues, without addressing them. It is never a good thing to leave matters of conflict unaddressed.
Nnennaya: For young couples, remember love is work; it is labour! Marriage is work! Put God in the centre and make Him the foundation of your home. Communicate. This comes easily to women. So be patient with your husband if he’s struggling in that area. Learn to express your thoughts to each other and don’t allow things to fester. Ask for clarification and don’t make assumptions. Be honest with one another. Respect one another. Understand your strengths and share your roles as best fitted to these. You can learn from others but don’t compare your marriage to others. Build your own dynamic that works for both of you. Establish boundaries in your home that guide relationships and interactions with in-laws, friends, and relatives. Protect your marriage. Protect your spouse. It’s okay to have confidants but don’t tell everyone your business. Seek counsel from godly experienced couples. Have accountability partners if you have the privilege of such people in your life. Pray and worship together and work daily to improve your relationship. Learn what makes your spouse tick. Listen with the heart and not just the head. Forgive easily and move on. Don’t hold grudges! Do not be silent if there is abuse in your marriage. Speak up, cry out and get out if your life is in danger.
