Almost in tears, I listened to Pastor William Folorunsho Kumuyi, founder of the Deeper Life Bible Church, recount how he proposed marriage to his second wife, Mrs Esther Kumuyi, in Europe. Kumuyi, while speaking at a youth crusade held in Effurun, Warri, Delta State, used his marriage proposal to teach the youths that every woman has her time.
Gently, Kumuyi asked women to put their trust in God, as every woman has her time. He shared the story of his second wife, whom he married after the death of his first wife, Mrs. Biodun Kumuyi. He asked, “Did God visit Mummy Esther at 50? 55? 60?” The congregants chorused, ‘No.’ But at 65, I came along and said the will of God is for me to marry you. Mummy Esther prayed and asked God what to do. God did not say tell him no or you are 65. She came back to me and said, “yes.” Since she said yes, and we came together, I have become the greatest thing that ever happened in her life.”
Now, in this colourful admonition, while waiting to say yes at various stages of one’s life, please keep these secrets in mind, taking careful note of the fact that Mummy Esther was not a “runs girl” or an empty-headed lady loitering the streets of Europe, where she was based. Therefore, while waiting to say yes, raise your head above the waters.
First, do not marry empty-handed. Do not go into marriage without proper empowerment as it takes two to tango. Every man needs a lady who would add value to his life, no matter how little. If a lady’s offer is only sex, she has become a cheap bowl for the village spit.
A responsible, growing young lady should be educationally equipped or acquire a money-making skill that would propel her future living. Do not let the load be too heavy for your man, as financial empowerment will boost your confidence psychologically and reduce insults around you.
For the fact that education remains the best legacy, please, sisters, go to school. There are many part-time and weekend courses in various schools, as well as uncountable online courses, if situations around you are not favourable to attend a regular school. It will help your psyche in marriage.
We have seen many broken marriages where the man left because the woman no longer matched his image. Again, know it, ladies, that the time of courtship is not the time to crack chicken thighs in all the eateries. Be bold and ask him genuine questions like: what killed your father or mother? Why did your parents separate? Do you have a child anywhere in the world? How many women did you jilt, and why?
Discuss bills, health history, financial expectations, likes and dislikes, life dreams, childhood trauma, parenting style, and anything else. Find out if he was a cultist in school. What are his goals in life? Does he believe in tithing? Ask if he will take another wife after you? What does he think both of you should do to avoid divorce?
These questions are pertinent for future preparation in marriage. Be informed that marriage is not child’s play, but a serious business that must not be handled carelessly. Marriage should not also be a union between two emotional Bollywood persons but between two intelligent, serious-minded people.
Interestingly, be sure of yourself and your partner before saying the big yes, especially when you would have prodded him with useful questions. So, you do not blame anyone for your choice. You have every right to marry or remain unmarried. If you have chosen to be married, you must take responsibility for your choice and action.
Ngozi, my colleague, informed me that during her marriage, her father asked her serious questions when she told him about the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. “My father asked me, ‘Ngozi, in five years’ time, will this poor-looking young man still be your choice?’ I said yes, Dad. He asked again, ‘In 20 years’ time, will he still be your choice?’ He went on, and I kept replying in the affirmative, but my heart was pounding, and I was sweating profusely because I was not sure anymore. But this triggered some adrenaline in me that there was no turning back.”
But then, something struck me in all those questions, and I came to the conclusion that marriage is by faith. My dear lady, lead your spouse to believe that it shall be well, and both can weather the storm through faith. Marriage is a bed of roses with many thorns. Do not let the thorns deform the beauty of the rose. Furthermore, know that it will be disastrous to borrow for marriage purposes. You need not be told to cut your coat according to your size. I commend Engr (Mrs) Prisca Nnodim, who made it clear that she wanted only her immediate family and in-laws at her wedding. She did not want any drama. “I do not want a long bridal train. I do not want uniforms popularly known as aso ebi. No renting of reception halls, no caterers, no extra publicity, no cutting of giant wedding cakes.” She canceled every drama associated with wedding ceremonies and simply said, “I would be fine with my family sharing the joy of the day with us. After the church ceremony, we will return to our various homes.” Prisca indeed cut her coat according to her cloth and size.
On the other hand, Folashade, who wore an oversized wedding dress to keep up with the Joneses, saw hell within a short time. “The first five years of our marriage were turbulent. We almost beat each other to death because all the people we borrowed money from kept knocking on our door at ungodly hours. It put us under so much pressure that I lost two pregnancies.” The truth is that when one is weak, the person would want to impress people. When a marriage starts with borrowing, the couple will pay dearly for it. Do not move into a house you and your husband cannot pay for. Sisters, please, do not love without your glasses on. Gone are the days when the adage says love is blind. Love now uses a thick lens to see. Therefore, sisters, be real during courtship. Do not leave any ends loose.
Before saying yes, let the intending couple sit down to discuss many cultural and faith issues. Let them agree on where they will live, how involved the extended family will be, and the number of children to have. If possible, write down all that needs to be noted. Though all plans are subject to God’s will, one must have a projection. Not having a plan is outright carelessness that leaves us prey to the enemy.
When it finally happens, do not give birth to more children than you can take care of. Some children have become psychological misfits because their parents cannot care for them. Ladies, times have changed. Take responsibility for the number of children you can handle with God’s help.
Dear Nigerian ladies, do not leave God out of every step you take. Let God have all the details from the point of accepting the man’s proposal to courtship, wedding, and actual marriage. Let the fear of God be the motive behind every action you take.
Do not engage in premarital sex with the notion that he is still the one you will marry. It is like cheating ahead of the exam. Do not do anything that will blaspheme the Lord’s name. From your wedding gown to your punctuality at the church service, dressing half-naked at your wedding is not healthy and will never add flavour to the day. Coming late to the wedding due to tailor disappointment or the makeup artist not showing up is a lack of fear for God. Do not start your marriage on a faulty foundation. On bended knees, God will see you through.