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By Bianca Iboma-Emefu
Many women in Nigeria have endured and are enduring domestic violence, sexual assault, rape, emotional abuse and cultural barriers. But others are not too lucky to be alive to tell their stories.
Some of the victims prefer dying in troubled marriages than facing the shame associated with divorce. Women are often the targets and victims of different violations.
Nonetheless, a survey of attitude in the community towards domestic violence in Nigeria attests that the most frequent victims of violence usually turn out to be unmarried women in the southern states, with figures as high as 70 per cent in some parts of the country.
Worried by the rise of domestic violence and persistent challenge, the Warien Rose Foundation initiated a Domestic Violence Anonymous (DVA), held every month for women to share their experiences, get therapy and necessary guide for their survival.
The convener of the initiative, Efe Anaughe, a lawyer, said women who experience abusive marriage or relationships are traumatized, but prefer to stay in it to keep their marriage or status.
Anaughe added that the prevalence of domestic abuse increase daily within Nigeria because of the traditional and cultural norms that supports male patriarchy.
“Domestic violence stemming from couples or people in a relationship makes headlines every now and then. There are various stories of wives and girlfriends who are beaten or harassed daily but they decide to stay in the shadows of their pain in order to protect the image of their spouses. Some of them do everything possible to make their relationships work for the sake of their children.
“Intimate partner violence is an epidemic experienced by many Nigerians. One out of four women of reproductive age within Nigeria is affected. Most of the cases reported often come from families of low and middle-income earners.
“Domestic violence is a burden on numerous sectors of the social system. It affects the development of a nation; costs nations a fortune in terms of law enforcement, health care and lost labour. These costs do not only affect the present generation because what begins as an assault by one person on another reverberates through the family and the community into the future.
“A good number of those I have spoken with since we started DVA in 2014 shows women often stay with their abusers because of fear. They are afraid that the abuser will become more violent if they try to leave. Some fear that they will lose their children. Many believe that they cannot make it on their own.
“Some abused women believe that they are the cause of the abuse. They think that they can stop the abuse if they just act differently. Some cannot admit that they are abused women. Others feel pressured to stay in the relationship. They may feel cut off from social support and resources. Abused women often feel that they are alone, and have no where to turn to for help,” Anaughe said.
The convener urged women in abusive marriage or relationship to seek help, saying that was the only way they could have a sane mind towards making a decision that could lead to walking out of the dangerous relationship.
One of the victims of abusive marriage, Harriet Ekanem (real name withheld) narrated her ordeal, revealing that she was raped when she was just 17, which produced a son.
“I later got married and gave birth to three sons. I told my husband about the son and what happened to me in the past. I never hid my past from my husband but several years into the marriage, the man started abusing me emotionally and physically, calling me names and beating me. He used weapons like cutlass and others. He smashed my phone on many occasions,” she said.
Ekanem said the marriage has become a threat to her life. According to her, her pastor wanted the issue to be resolved amicably, which further threw her into a sort of dilemma.
Her words: “My husband will seize my phone and prevent me to make delivery of food items that I am into for business. My husband wasted my food on a particular day, as he had prevented me from making the delivery because the address was in my phone.
“I get orders from people but after preparing them he would stop me from doing the delivery and I run into losses most times. The situation is traumatic.
“How do I continue in a marriage where I am being abused constantly? I can’t change him and I don’t think he is ready to make amends. When we go out, people who see me in church think I am having a blissful home because I cover up and try to paint the picture of a perfect family but the trauma I am at the moment can’t be explained. I just need peace.”
Also, Gloria Isibor (real name withheld) said her case was already in court.
“I have been with my husband for 28 years and I am not ready to divorce him but he wants us to separate,” she said.
Isibor said they have had a blissful home up until six years ago when her hubby started beating and torturing her emotionally.
She said: “My husband sent me to the university. He did so much for me and I don’t understand why he suddenly does not want the relationship anymore. I sob and cry daily, asking what might have gone wrong.
“I thank God for the support groups. I was encouraged as a victim to speak up. What remind us of our love are the children, but as a couple, we still have a very long way to go.
“Society needs to consider the pain women go through in abusive marriage. Stop killing women in troubled marriages by insisting that it is better to die married than to live single.
“Abusive men come from all walks of life. They may be successful in their career and respected in their church and community. Abusive men often share some common characteristics. They tend to be jealous, possessive and easily angered.
“Many abusive men believe that women are inferior. They believe that men are meant to dominate and control women. These categories of men deny that the abuse is happening or they minimize it. They may blame their partners for the abuse.”
