Wives no longer sex ATMs

The rapidly expanded recognition of the rights of women has extensively redefined the tone of sexual relationship between husbands and wives.

In the past, traditional society expected wives to be ready and available to meet the sexual needs of their husbands, whenever the man felt the urge.

Really, those days have gone like the dinosaurs. In that bygone era, a wife refusing her husband sex was severely frowned on, and such refusal in some instances – when reported by the humiliated husband – could incur the wrath of the senior daughters of the community.

Thanks to better understanding of the holistic role of a wife, and particularly aided by the campaign of the women liberation movement, marriage is now seen as a serious partnership and team work, where wives now speak up, make suggestions and can even disagree with their husbands on certain issues.

With education, financial empowerment and the confidence that comes from exposure and attainments, traditional view of the place of wives as second class individuals has given way to under the pressure and weight modern reality. Through sterling achievements, women have broken the glass ceiling in various walks of life in the academia and politics, public sector administration and corporate governance. The status of so many women has become enviable in every profession. The population of women achievers continues to grow.  Therefore, nature and social circumstances have changed the “demand and supply” dynamics in marital sexual relationships. When a husband feels the urge but the wife is preparing for a major business presentation to be made to a prospective client, reality now requires him to ‘calm down’ and delay “gratification” to a time that is auspicious for both of them.

Truth be told, wives are no longer like sex ATMS for their husbands to “withdraw some intimacy” whenever he needs.

To give perspective to this, consider the case of five women who recently got elevated to the cherished position of professors in various fields. No sensible husband would expect the professor-wife to be at his sexual beck and call!  Does that suggest that professor-wife would no longer kiss and frolic with her husband? Far from it! Rather, the sexual intimacy between such exposed couples is more polished, elevated and refined, producing exhilarating and memorable experience – not the ‘Wham Bam’ kind that feels more like a two-minute, flash in the pan. Gosh!! A responsible man should know how to handle his upscale woman.

Interestingly, some men have accepted and adjusted to the new rhythm. If not, they will become big time losers. In the game of love and sex, men who intentionally have mind reset, away from the traditional view of wives in their great, great-grandfather’s era, will find intimacy with the more modern wife, especially one that has sat long enough under the teaching of Pastor (Mrs) Funke Adejumo on how to manifest the beauty of marital sex will benefit more the experience –if they approach intimacy from the perspective of marital sex pilgrimage – a journey of long-lasting discovery.

There is no educated, empowered and accomplished woman who will be caged to pander to the sexual desire of her husband. God never intended it to be so. Such women would boldly take a long walk to freedom. Men in some climes try to use faith and religion to lord it over their wives when it comes to the issue of sex. It is at such moments that they would quote scriptural passages out of context, to justify their demand The most popular is this one: “Wives submit to your husbands.” Yet, some refuse to read the other aspect of the same scripture, which requires husbands love their wives as Christ loved the church. Some refuse to understand that submission without love feels heavy. Biblical scriptures should bring couples close and not separate them.

Remarkably, Alhaja Mutiat sells frozen chicken at Iyana-Ejigbo market. I have been buying from her customer for years. Recently, I walked into her shop and saw her using the latest Samsung Flip phone. I admired the phone in all honesty, and told her so. She replied, ‘Aunty, it is my New Year gift for myself. I paid over N1 million to get this. I leave home every day at 6:00 am and retire at 11:00pm. Why will I not make myself happy?’ What shocked me was her conclusion: “Which man will gift a woman this without making very heavy sexual demand from her.” 

That a man pays bills is not a licence make unreasonable sexual demands from her. Wives need kindness and love. They need you to appreciate, admire, play and protect them. Some men would go to the bank and smile at the female Customer Service officers. Oga, go home and smile at your wife. Some disrespectful men who are ego-filled have an offensive entitlement mentality over the issue of marital sex. You will hear such men say something like: “I paid her bride price.” So for that reason, should such men trouble the hapless women? Present day marriages can no longer accept such effrontery.

In tears, I struggled to comprehend with the story of Mama Nkechi, a mother of nine children. She lived with her husband at Ajegunle, a suburb of Ajeromi Ifelodun LGA. Her husband Papa Nkechi is a trailer loader at Tincan Island, Apapa. After the days’ hard work, he relieves himself with a command to his wife… “Go inside, pants down and wait for him.” What an animalistic behaviour of a husband! This is utter disrespect. But for peace to reign, Mama Nkechi, a witty woman would simply obey him. Their lifestyle led to the birth of nine malnourished children.

To enjoy your woman, you must be a supportive husband. To get the best out of her, be domestically helpful. Do some chores. Do not let your wife die from running errands. Help in school and home affairs. In some homes on Sunday mornings, some wives will wake up very early. They would prepare the children for service, cook, clean and get themselves ready. The man will only prepare himself and complain of being delayed. Know that it does not take so long to do home chores. One hour can do a lot of things. Take away that burden from her and see a peaceful smile. Join her in the kitchen with love. Blend the tomatoes and pepper for her; wash the dishes, clean the house. Surprise her with errands. Once in a while, dominate the kitchen and serve your family. Show her love in the daytime. Then touch her anytime and see how she will willingly melt in your arms. It should not be the other way round. Not a man probably drenched in alcohol, who comes home to ‘pounce’ on the wife just because he is her husband.

Parents, raise your sons to value their wives as God intended, and made them helpmate. If she is being used as a donkey because he can, he will lose her. When he loses her, he will regret it forever. Do not see your wife as a spinning machine. See her as a human being that needs help. You should actively look for ways to ease her burden.

Again, show initiative and win her for yourself. It is not about how much money you have. Initiative is a sense of direction and being proactive. Even when you do not know what to do, make research and ask questions. You are the man and the senior partner. If you need to buy a car for the family, sleep on every car page online. Find out from car dealers and owners what you need to know.

Do you have children of school age? Walk into various schools and make inquiries. Do not leave it for the woman alone. Do not leave the woman and her children on visiting days and attend your village meeting. Bond with your wife and sail easily. Do not allow her to do the running around all day, while you wait for sex at home. Be a proactive man and see things fall into peasant places.

Women have outlived the age when the major thing they did was to get pregnant and have babies. A female bank Managing Director cannot be that domesticated and sex-wife anymore. Apart from high executive women, tomato sellers who are empowered have a big say with their bodies and in their marriages. Men who are married to accomplished ladies know that they must behave themselves.

Dear Nigerian men, please erase the African mentality of marriage and embrace the new wine. The world has become a global village. Present day women are no longer the pre-Independence women men disrespected so much. The women have evolved. Wake up to the new reality and enjoy your relationship.