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In the past, I wrote about some Nigerian marriages ending deadly to shine light on the dark side of Nigerian marriages in the Diaspora. Prior to that story, I wrote an article entitled, “Do Women Really Know What They Want From Men?” In that story, I began, “While the nomenclature of relationships is not within the purview of this story, in the Diaspora, however, relationships, especially monogamous ones, are under immense pressure or stress either because of the environmental factors or other unique circumstances. No matter what the circumstances are, it is often more convenient to abandon a stressful or tumultuous relationship than to painfully go through the agonizing years of resolving the inherent protracted problems. In some cases, some people are just hanging in there for the kids in a relationship that has long ended.”
Having said that, no relationship is immune from stress-related frictions. Obviously, no marriage is immune from divorce. Indeed, separations and divorces are becoming rampant among Nigerians in the Diaspora. Unfortunately, as the separation and divorce rates among Nigerians are respectively surging, so do differing perspectives on the matter. Depending on who you ask, you would not only get varying reasons why Nigerians divorce at an alarming rate in various cities of the United States, especially in the large ones, but would also elicit varying opinions about who to blame for the break-ups.
Thus, I used in the piece the perspective of someone who had experienced separation and divorce some years ago to tell the remainder of the story. Ms. Chinwe Enemchukwu, a survivor of divorce and single mother of six well-adjusted children [grown adults now], and a resident of Orlando, Florida had the rest of the story.
She began, “I have read with keen interest, all the write-ups and comments on the subject of divorce among Nigerians in the developed world. I observed that none of the writers wrote from personal experience. As eloquent and logical and biblical as some of these comments sound, they lack the element of first hand experience like, I have been there, seen it, lived it and know all about it. A soldier can tell a lot of stories about wars and war exercises, but those stories will never compare to the ones told by a soldier who actually fought and survived the battles of the war.”
To borrow from one of my favorite poets- Joan Walsh Anglund, “Until you know another’s Pain, You cannot know his Reasons “
“Many people speculate that divorce among Nigerians in the Diaspora is because of money, because of high paying professions like Nursing, women are divorcing their husbands because they can make a lot of money, the “di gbakwa oku” mentality comes in. That is so far from the truth. Money may be the visible symptom of a festering disease in a marriage. The disease manifests by presenting problems. The problem can present [manifest] in many different forms. It could be the need for absolute control of another, both physical and emotional. It could be the need to please outsiders who hook up to the marriage because the son or daughter they painstakingly raised has made it and this stranger will get it all. It could be a consequence of hanging on to the oppressive aspects of our culture which turns a normal breathing human being into a piece of property acquired for the whole family. Quotes like this become possible. “ We have married her and all her tallness, good looks and best qualities have now come to us “ She becomes nothing but a broodmare, to be seen and not heard. Stepping out of line meets with brute force. A new in-law becomes an ATM because he has married a daughter, he must deliver each time a demand is made for money. People do not get up one day and decide to break away from someone who used to make their heartbeat go faster when they meet in the hallway at school or who they would talk to on the phone for hours and forget the food on the stove or homework that is due the next morning. It takes a lot to break a marriage and in many Nigerian break-ups most of the dividing forces come through strings attached from outside.
If somebody has access to money, manipulating them into submission of body and soul becomes difficult. If the car keys are confiscated so a wife cannot go to work, she will save up and buy her own car. To an outsider, the problem is money she earns as a nurse that enabled her to buy a car. If a woman refuses to cook because she is as tired as he is after working all day, it is blamed on money. If love and understanding is in order in the marriage, being tired will not figure in here.
Adultery and infidelity, although openly tolerated in Nigeria are more difficult to overlook in the developed world. When infidelity becomes a tool of getting back at a spouse for stepping out of cultural bounds and the partner disappears for days at a time to inflict the most pain, the marriage starts dying a slow death and the hurt and pain and obvious damage to the children makes an individual look for ways to preserve their life and dignity and the children’s life and emotional well being.
One Christian psychologist put it this way in his book “Hurt people hurt people” When an individual goes out of his or her way to hurt another, they are most of the time crying out for the pain within them, pain from the past which they are now letting out on the people closest to them, namely wife, husband and of course children. It gets to a point where if nothing I s done in terms of seeking help, the victim picks up and borrowing from Joan Walsh Anglund would most likely say “Farewell, ……. my beloved friend, ……….my companion, in many Dreams. I release you, at last, ………….not in sadness, but, in Joy!
For The song you brought shall “sing” forever …within my heart! “
As painful as it is, there is an odd joy to this drastic step. There is an ending to the physical and verbal and emotional tortures, which are always followed by tearful promises of never doing it again, but alas, the next one is usually worse. The children are also spared the horror of watching these events. Then comes the chance for healing of physical and emotional wounds. The Igbos in their wisdom have a name they give to children “Onye ka ozulu ? “ Who has it all? For some it is good health that eludes them. For some having children becomes an uphill battle. For some, their marriages fail, but life goes on. Everyone has a cross to carry. No two stories are the same. If couples talk openly about some of these issues prior to marriage, they can be avoided or carefully dealt with. Someone on this forum suggested that culture is an evolving process. When we try to apply aspects of our culture that worked in Igboland long time ago, in our lives in the developed world, we are asking for nothing but trouble. In my opinion, The Golden Rule should be the guiding light.
Treat me the way you will like me to treat you. Treat my mother the way you will like me to treat your mother. Our money is our money, not his because he has married her, not hers because he is the breadwinner.
This is my say on this subject. It is a tragedy that nobody can wish for. When there is no other way out, the inevitable happens and life goes on.”
