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Chief Enyinnaya Onuegbu, senior lawyer, former Chairman, Ngor Okpala Local Government Area and Imo State immediate past Commissioner for Lands, Survey, Urban and Physical Planning, was married to Mrs Chinemere Onuegbu, now a judge, in December 1999. The marriage is blessed with four children: three girls and one boy. In this interview with GEORGE ONYEJIUWA, they spoke extensively on what has kept their marriage going in spite of challenges. They also left some pieces of advice for other couples.
How did you meet your wife?
Chief Onuegbu: I met her on the university campus, many years ago. She is a victim of the “October rush”. She was one of those new students admitted into the university in the October of that year. That was when universities still had definite academic calendars. She was a fresh law student while I was a third-year student of law at Imo State University, now Abia State University, Uturu, Okigwe.
What was his point of attraction to you?
Lady Onuegbu: His level of intellectual argument. He had come to visit my elder cousin that I was staying with in the hostel. An argument ensued and I argued it out with him. I was impressed with his presentation and of course, his intelligence.
Can we then say it was love at first sight?
Lady Onuegbu: I would say, yes. This is because I was meeting him for the first time. Usually, I don’t talk with people I don’t know very well. But on that occasion, I jumped into the argument.
Is it the same feeling with you?
Chief Onuegbu: As she said, I had visited the apartment where she was staying with her older cousin. She had just been admitted to study law. I saw her as a young lady just fresh from secondary school. She was intelligent. The subject of discussion was one of those feminist arguments that used to be the talk of the day. I was leading my pack and she was leading her pack. But she demystified the older students with her presentation. From there, we got talking. One thing led to another and here we are, 24 years after. As an activist in my university days, most of my comrades were surprised that I could fall in love despite my leftist leaning.
Was there any opposition from your family against your marriage?
Lady Onuegbu: I dated him for ten years before we eventually got married. So he wasn’t a new face in my parents’ home. At the beginning of our courtship, he would come and hang around at the gate. Whenever I noticed that, I would go out to meet him. What I didn’t know was that my parents were taking note of that. So it was a welcome development for them when he eventually came to ask for my hand in marriage.
Chief Onuegbu: I lost my mother very early in life. So we had only my father who didn’t re-marry because of us. I am the eldest child of seven children. My father trusted my judgment. I didn’t have the courage to present to him any other lady as my girlfriend or fiancée. So when I introduced my wife, Chinemere, to him he was exceedingly happy. He told me that God had brought a replacement for my mother. Being the first son and eldest in Igbo culture comes with lots of responsibilities. But God me gave a wife who understands these matters. My father retired long before I left the university. And my wife had to live with some deprivations in her social life. This is because she knew that she had to sacrifice a lot for my immediate family where she was both a wife and a mother. And that spirit has continued till date. I must add that my father-in-law was like a God-sent to me.
How do you mean?
Chief Onuegbu: He knew that I had nothing. But he encouraged our union. In fact, when I came to propose to my wife, I told him that I needed to know the traditional requirements. But he noticed that I was a bit jittery because I wasn’t a big or rich man. He told me from day one that he preferred a young struggling man with whom his daughter could work together to build a home to an already made rich man. When my wife came into my house, I hardly had a mattress on the floor. It was just a passable apartment without much comfort. But she saw in me a young man who had aspirations and ambition. She saw in me a young man with whom she could partner to build a future and a family. I must say that she has remained a great partner, friend and soul mate.
Have there been disagreements that required the intervention of a third party to settle?
Lady Onuegbu: I can’t remember any.
Chief Onuegbu: There hasn’t been such a thing. I have never made any complaint to any person, whether to friends or family members against my wife. We have arguments, especially as colleagues in the same profession. But we don’t go to bed or wake up with any such disagreement. Even our children have never heard us shout at each other.
As a judge, how were you able to cope with the demands of your office and that of your home?
Lady Onuegbu: My husband is not just a lawyer, he is actively involved in politics. And as a politician, he is busy 24 hours. Being in the legal profession that is stressful keeps my mind occupied because of work. Family management is serious work. But as a mother, a daughter-in-law and an ex-teacher, I knew that managing a home is a question of organisation. Being a career woman is not easy. Most of the nights, I am awake writing judgments. In the early days when I was going for school runs, you couldn’t exclude having a nanny or a lesson teacher. But most times when I was unable to take or pick my children from school, I would solicit the help of their lesson teacher who was more like a second mother because she is also part of my family. She didn’t just teach them; she is like a substitute mother who imbued them with good manners. My husband, in the early days of our marriage, did help out, sometimes, with the school runs whenever he was free from the courts or political meetings. You know politics here is 24 hours and they don’t rest. Even when he comes back home, he may be on the phone talking, which is a continuation of the political discussion. Since I had already known the kind of a person he is before we married, I knew what to expect. So, I am used to it.
What is the relationship between you and your brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law?
Lady Onuegbu: Two of my husband’s siblings lived with us in the first 16 years of our marriage. The last came into my house when he was in senior secondary school. And he was there till he graduated from the university. After graduation, he spent another year with us. So, I will say that for the better part of my 24 years of marriage, I have been living with my brothers and sisters-in-law. What I did was to try and understand them. My husband would always tell me that they would not be with us forever, that one day they would go. Now, they have all gone to manage their different homes. It is a sacrifice that one had to make because, in the African society, you must see the siblings of your husband as your own siblings as well. This is because having been married into a family, they had become part and parcel of you. You are not just their elder brother’s wife but also their mother. When as a wife you understand that, then you have no problem.
Is it the same with you?
Chief Onuegbu: My relationship with my in-laws is very cordial. Incidentally, in my in-law’s home, my wife is the younger of two sisters and the elder of six male children. So she occupies a place of pride in her family. I tried everything possible to make myself accepted in the family as she is in our family. We are more like one family. If you go to their house, you will find some of my things. And if you come to my house, you will find some of their things also. We like to keep the families together. Incidentally, when I lost my father-in-law who was a highly regarded personality, my mother-in-law soldiered on until all her children graduated from the university. Right now, she is resident abroad with her children. But whenever she comes home, it is always a reunion. On my own part, I am the first son in my family. I am now like a father figure because my father has also passed on. My younger brothers are residing in the United States and my two sisters are married. They were with me before they travelled out. So, as my wife said, it takes a lot of tolerance and patience to make any marriage work.
As a couple, do you operate a joint bank account?
Chief Onuegbu: We have several accounts including a joint account. But what is important is that money is never an issue in a marriage where there is love. If we have N1, 000, my wife can make a tasty soup with it and nobody will know. We don’t have financial issues; we also don’t have material issues. We don’t have separate landed property or rooms. My associates who come to my house are also my wife’s associates or colleagues. My wife is a Christian and her faith shows. I pray to God for it to get better and better.
What is your advice to those couples hoping to marry an already made partner?
Lady Onuegbu: To anchor their relationship on love. They should put less emphasis on material things which are at the root of the increase in divorce cases. When you build your marriage on real love, it will stand the test of time. You and your spouse will make progress both materially and otherwise because it is a partnership. Although no marriage is perfect, it will go a long way if the relationship is built on trust.
Chief Onuegbu: For me, what comes first is love. Don’t compare your wife with another woman. Your wife must be untouchable, emotionally, socially, and politically. She must not be a subject of discussion with anybody, family, or friends. If you keep to this policy, you will have a stable and enjoyable marital life. Make sure you don’t carry over your disagreement to the next day. Don’t ever discuss your disagreement with your wife with any of your associates because not everyone will be happy if you have a stable family. Again, you can never be bigger or superior to your spouse. Always know that your wife is your mirror. Don’t marry a woman you don’t really love because she is well-to-do or because her parents are rich. Most marriages that are contracted on such foundations do not last.
