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Reverend Joseph John Hayab is Chairman of the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), Kaduna State Chapter’ and Country Director, Global Peace Initiative – Nigeria. He has been married to his wife, Mrs. Lois John Hayab, for more than 27 years.
Hayab, who was born in Gboko, Benue State, is an indigene of Kurmi Jato in Jaba Local Government area of Kaduna State. He met his wife at Ngwan Rimi in Kaduna North Local Government area of the State, where she was born and raised.
Their marriage, which commenced with their wedding on December 16, 1995, has, over the years, become a great example to their contemporaries,as well as to young and intending couples in Kaduna and beyond. In this interview with SOLA OJO, the couple shared with Saturday Sun how they met, interacted and got married within six months. They also spoke about how they have been staying together through thick and thin.
When and how did you meet each other?
Rev Joseph: Sometime in June 1995, I went to attend a Baptist associational meeting at Nasara Baptist Church, Ngwan Rimi. It was Salem 1 Baptist Association then which has now grown to multiple associations. At that time, I was the Royal Ambassador Commandant of the association. There, I saw this very obedient lady with her mother and that was the attraction. The way she treated her mother and the kind of respect she accorded her amazed me, because that is what I had wanted in a woman. But I never had the opportunity of meeting her until July of that same year. That very year, she also came for her Lydia meeting. Then, I was standing by the gate of the Baptist Seminary, Kawo, and saw her. Everything started from there and today, we became husband and wife and parents to our children.
Mrs Lois: Before we got to know each other at the associational zonal meeting that year, he was the first person I sighted. At that moment, something told me that this is the man I would be spending the rest of my life with. So I rebuked that thought because this is someone I never knew, not knowing he also had something in mind. He came to my house on a Monday after the camp that year. I was wondering how he managed to get to know my house. That first time, there was no serious talk. It was when he came the second time that he made his intention towards me known that he wanted us to marry each other. Everything happened in less than six months – between July and December 16, 1995.
How were you able to locate her house even when she did not give you the address?
Rev Joseph: Yes, her father was a counsellor to the Royal Ambassador then. So, we saw him as more of a father because we learnt a lot from him. But I did not know about her daughter and that is the truth. When I met her and her mother and I later got to know that she is the daughter of our counsellor, I was like oh, after all, I will not be meeting a father-in-law who is a total stranger. So, it was not difficult for me to locate the house of a deacon who has been my counsellor.
Was she the only responsible lady around you then, or were you seeing someone else?
Rev Joseph: No, she was not the only one around that time. Naturally, every man has a kind of woman he wants to marry. To me, a lady who respects and celebrates her mother openly will be a replica of a good mother while a lady who can look down and shout at her mother is a no go area for me. Let me add that I had someone then but we did not agree on certain terms. While I was thinking of the way forward, she showed up and God perfected everything for us.
Was he the only young man available around you then?
Mrs Lois: It was not easy accepting his proposal then because just like him, I was dating someone, though we had not gone far. Let me just say he is the will of God for me and no regret so far.
Was there any opposing view to your marriage proposal to each other?
Rev Joseph: My parents have many roles to play in my choice of wife. Fortunately for me, I have one senior pastor who happened to be the first indigenous principal of the Baptist College in Kaduna, Reverend Parah Hall. He was a well-respected individual across this region. So he was the one I went to see about what I had found and what I wanted to do next. So, subsequent conversations about the marriage were between him, me and the family. That helped me to have less opposition. But I do know there was opposition from people who were not related to us. For example, some pastors who know me to be firm then tried to convince her parents not to allow their daughter to marry a tough man like me. That opposition failed because the man who I engaged as a mediator was highly respected and that is one good thing about African culture. African culture has three sides – love, respect for relations and respect for those reasonable people outside the marriage. Then, I was just a student pastor.
Mrs Lois: From my immediate family, there was no opposition at all
Can you recall that moment you can hardly forget on the day of your wedding?
Mrs Lois: I remembered he was the first person I saw in my house very early on our wedding day. In our setting, grooms are not expected to be in their bride’s house. I didn’t know why he did that. Was he thinking I was going to change my mind on that very day? That I kept remembering.
Rev Joseph: The key thing was the timing. We had agreed to show an example of coming to church on time which many people were not used to at that time. We made history. We had a bride coming to church 20 minutes before the time. That singular act made the white people who happened to be my teachers hold my marriage in high esteem till they left Nigeria.
Why did you get to church that early? Didn’t you engage makeup artists who would have spent time to give you the best look?
Mrs Lois: Our culture is beyond makeup delays. There are women here and there that will line up for different protocols, this uncle that auntie coming in the morning for one discussion or the other. My father saved me from those protocols when he made me ready ahead of time. My father believes in waiting for God rather than the other way round and that applied to all of us. Meanwhile, I am not a makeup person.
It’s been 27 years and still counting. What’s your husband’s favourite meal?
Mrs Lois: His favourite is yam. He told me before the wedding those things he does not eat and I complied even though I do eat those things.
Madam, you are married to a Reverend and CAN official among several other groups he belongs to, thereby making his schedules very tight. How have you been managing your dream, him, and family together?
Mrs Lois: Hmmm, it has not been easy. Though he is not always available, he tries by all means to be in touch- thanks to mobile phones. Sometimes he does video calls to make sure he speaks to every member of the family. I have heard several women complaining that once their husbands go to work, they don’t hear from them until they return home, no matter how long. He is not like that and that is why we need to understand that God does not put the same people in the same place possibly at the same time. He is an extrovert and I am an introvert. If we were all extroverts, this house would not have been able to contain us. Again, God placed me here to be of assistance to him. Whenever he goes out to the battlefield, I have to be on my knees so he returns safe and sound. God has been there for us all through and we never take His love for us for granted.
Is there any part you want to see improvement in his life?
Mrs Lois: He is someone that loves work. I do love to see him around but because of work, he is not here with us. So, I have to come to an understanding that he’s doing it in the interest of the family while I support him with prayers once he goes out. Again, he has a book we fondly called ‘book of life’. Once your name is not found in that book for his daily schedule, then, you are possibly not in his plan for the day.
Can you tell us about the ‘book of life’ Madam was referring to?
Rev Joseph: When I was growing up, I was taught how to plan so that it would become a part of me. So once God gives me a gift of another day and I wake up and thank Him for the grace, I will write my schedules and time to execute them. In that same book, I also listed the money I will be spending and how to spend it. Now, that has become a part of me and sometimes, my children will be like, write my name there and I will laugh because I know family comes first in all we do. Once work comes, I do it with all my strength and that is when they will say I’m not around. But the moment I’m free, I make myself available to them very well.
So, can you share with us the areas where Madam needs to improve?
Rev Joseph: Yes, we need to review what we do. I wanted her to pursue her dream which means she needs to go back to school to perfect those dreams. She is a dentist by training. Since her dream was around humanity, she volunteered at General Hospital, Sabo, here in Kaduna town for some years. We bought dental equipment and opened a dental clinic for her though not for commercial purposes. Most of her dentist friends are using the facility when they have patients. We never commercialised it because we prefer service to humanity. Another area is that my wife is shy. I have served CAN and different other organisations and none of them know my wife. I would have loved to see her everywhere around me, but she is not that type. She is okay taking care of our children and house needs.
What do you like about each other?
Rev Joseph: I don’t know how to describe it. But this woman possesses extreme patience. I have friends and as a pastor, I have been involved in marriage issues and I know what I’m saying when I said she is patient. If not her kind of person, with all her education, she is not disturbing me for a job or anything. Just a few weeks ago, I gave her money to take our daughter to the hospital and she came back giving details of how the money was spent. This is when I hear some men complaining that even the money they kept with their wives disappeared, not to mention the one you give is spent.
Mrs Lois: What I like most about my husband is that he is a man of his words. He does not want anyone to mess up with his family. He is just extraordinary. He’s every woman’s dream. This does not mean we are perfect, but we work things out.
Your advice for prospective brides and young married women?
Mrs Lois: My advice to young ladies who are planning to get married or those that are already married is, first of all, be patient. They should be themselves. They should not be someone else. They should learn to work things out together with their men. This is necessary because what some women expected their marriage to look like is not what they are seeing. So, if that lady or that woman is patient, understands the man she married and accepts him for who he is, I don’t think there will be any problem. You don’t have to nag because we have seen a lot of women who nag and shout but their men never listen. They should learn to go on their knees to ask God for help. Again, as a wife, you don’t expose your home to your family or even outsiders. I remembered when we were living at Kigo Road, my Reverend once asked me if I never had any problem with my husband and I just smiled. He said you never reported him to me. I smiled again because I know where to kneel and lay my complaints and who will hear and answer me.
Your advice for young men?
Rev Joseph: When you marry a woman newly, she is like raw clothing material you buy and needs to be sown to what you want. Most men feel like because their wives have a degree, they are supposed to know and do everything. Falling, learning and rising up together bring the best. When we started, we could not drink what we wanted. But today, we sometimes serve people up to six crates of soft drinks in a day. I also remember that I was wearing a suit of different colours on our wedding day. But today, we chose what to wear. We are privileged, yes, that is true. But we have been content all our lives. Because it was a humble beginning, we have no time to be proud and that is what we have imbued in our children. We are church people and we are happy our children love God. As a family, we make generosity a principle and that is why we think of who to show kindness to as long as we live. Our son who is just five years old is always looking forward to whomever to give what you are giving him. And that is the spirit.
