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Alhaji Rasheed and Alhaja Ramat Tijani have been married for about 60 years. So, why did Rasheed, a devout Muslim, decide to stay with only one wife, instead of marrying up to four, as permitted by the Islamic faith? In this interview with OYINLOLA PELUMI ADEWALE, the couple, today grandparents, shared with our readers why they refused to go with the tradition. They also shared their marital experiences, noting, at the end of it all, that patience, not a harem, is the key to a happy married life.
How did it all start and what was her reaction when you proposed?
Rasheed: I started my relationship with her about 60 years ago. Before I got married, I had about three women I was ‘moving with.’ My brother was always pestering me about getting married. But I kept on telling him that I wasn’t ready. My wife was part of the three people. My brother knew the girl was always coming around to see me. I later found a way to leave the village. I told my people that when I found a person I wanted to marry, I would bring her home. My wife also comes from my village. Since my brother was the one who introduced her to me, I then told him I was going to get married to her because I was willing. I sent her home to tell her people that she had found a man she wanted to marry. Her people questioned her and asked her if she was really determined to marry me. She said she was. So, my family members went to her place. In my presence, she was asked if she wanted to marry me. She confirmed she was. And, when she came to my place the same question was asked. She still insisted on marrying me. I was also interested in marrying her. I was lucky to have found favour in the sight of her family members. Her father so trusted me that he kept with me the money he planned taking to Mecca.
Ramat: Before I met my husband, my brother told me about him. I knew that there was no way my brother would mislead me. So I agreed to meet with him. I realised that I liked him and he liked me also. He told me to go home to his parent’s place to introduce myself. I did just that. The following day, they came to my place to return the visit. So we told them we wanted to get married. I was asked if I wanted to marry him and I consented. I agreed to marry him because my dad advised me not to get married to someone that was not from our town. So I listened to them because in those days we had no right to disagree with our parents, unlike now when kids easily talk back to their parents.
Did anyone oppose the marriage?
Rasheed: From my own side, no one opposed our marriage
Ramat: No one was against me marrying him. I was very happy that my husband is a very sweet soul because things have been easier with him. We eat right, do the needful, go out to work, satisfy ourselves and God has been helping us to sustain our marriage.
How has it been?
Rasheed: My marriage with her is a very sweet one. Based on the pressure from my grandmother to make babies, I eventually got married to her and got her pregnant. That was when I made up my mind to never take a second wife because of the stress attached to it. I never wanted my kids to suffer. I didn’t want them to be separated because of the fights that usually happen in polygamous homes. When she was pregnant with our first child, things were really tight. We heard from people that it is normal for things to be tight. My wife is really diligent and hardworking. She tried to make things work at her end while I also did things on my end. It got to a point she resorted to hawking pepper. She was able to manage for us to eat to our satisfaction. I bought my first TV set for N15 and we managed to live comfortably. The scariest part of our relationship was during the first pregnancy. I didn’t know how it worked. Years into our marriage, we got a prophecy from one prayer man that we were going to give birth to twins and we were like after how many children? We didn’t want it. But eventually, we gave birth to a set of things and we had to celebrate it in a very big way.
Ramat: It is not possible to be married and not experience troubles in your marriage. But I was able to overcome the problems I went through. I am really grateful to my husband and my in-laws. They love me so much as I love them too.
What is your happiest moment in the marriage?
Rasheed: My happiest moment was when I had children of my own
Ramat: Mine was the day Alhaji sent me to Mecca. I was very happy. I was at Mile 12 selling my usual wares when I got a phone call from an agent to quickly come to their office. When I got there, they broke the news to me that my husband had paid my fees to Mecca. I really cried and they conducted an Islamic test on me to be sure I knew some verses in the Holy Book. Eventually, I went to Mecca. I was really worried about leaving my family. But I had to go. When I got back, my husband killed a cow and celebrated it for me.
As a Muslim, it is normal for a man to marry more than one wife. How have you been able to cope without another partner?
Rasheed: I thank God I was focused on marrying one wife. My wife is the most beautiful woman I have met in my life. I thank God I didn’t marry a second wife to compete with her. She gave me the best children in the world. I love my children so much and have always tried to do the best for them. I have met people who got married to more than one wife and couldn’t cope; it is from one problem to the other. So, what is the point of putting oneself through all that? I have never wanted a second wife because what exactly am I looking for? I have a beautiful wife, many fruitful children I am blessed to have and also grandchildren.
Ramat: I was never scared of my husband marrying a second wife as long as he could bear the responsibilities. Even in our families, we had people that married just one wife so it was not really a big deal to me.
How do you handle difficult situations in your marriage?
Rasheed: We have lived together for a long time, so I can easily tell when my wife is angry. And when I notice she is, I just leave her alone. When it is time for her to apologise, she just tells me that my food is ready. Like that, we have settled our misunderstanding. Sometimes I try to pull her legs by telling her I am not hungry. But eventually, I have no choice but to eat. I trust my wife as much as I love her and she knows the right food to cook at the right time. I don’t bring in third parties into my marriage. So any differences I have with her are settled in the room. I don’t want other people to know our business because people will always talk. And when they do, it paints a bad picture of my marriage with her. I thank my wife for her understanding and patience. I pray that God rewards her for that. The reason marriages of these days crash a lot is because of the situation of things and lack of patience. Tight situations will always arise. But when a partner is not patient enough to fix them with the other partner, they end up going their separate ways. Sometimes, when third parties show up with extra cash, they entice the weak partner and cause the said marriage to crash.
Ramat: How I am able to calm my husband when he is angry is just not to talk. He likes it when I don’t say anything when he is angry. And, we resolve it with food and move on. Or, I would go on my knees and beg him to forgive me.
Can you describe your spouse for us?
Rasheed: My wife is my heart, my life, my number one. I hardly allow her to travel because of the security situation in the country. It is also because things would not be the same at home without her. I don’t like her being too far away from me. When she goes for about four days or so, I would start to worry and try to get in touch with her constantly. My wife is not a wayward woman. Even in those days when there was no phone, she would inform me before leaving home and till date, she still does that. She even knows the location I want to be buried when I die. She has always been my greatest supporter ever since our children were young. She made sure they all learned a handiwork to help them later.
Ramat: My husband is not a picky eater and doesn’t select food. I cook local dishes and he loves them very much. He doesn’t eat outside. Instead, he would drop the money and tell us to cook anything he feels like taking, so we all enjoy it together.
What is the scope of a long-lasting marriage?
Rasheed: To the glory of God, I have many children and several grandchildren. I don’t even know some of their names.
Ramat: The only scope to marriage is love and patience. If you have that in your marriage then you should not be scared of anything. I have gotten so used to my husband that I don’t fight with him anymore. We already know each other that much. When I was raising my kids, I was so happy we were able to raise them right. They went to school, learned some trades, obtained their freedom and now they are all working. My husband was the one that took care of my kids when they were born. He did a really great job at that.
Have you had any regret in your relationship?
Rasheed: I have never had any regret in my marriage. And how I have been able to handle difficult situations on my path is through peace of mind. I try to give my family peace of mind and not give them unnecessary stress or burden. My wife knows that I do love her, and she tells our children all the time that I have really tried. I love our family. I so much cherish my love for my wife because she is a wonderful soul.
Ramat: I never for once had any regret in my marriage much less think of leaving my marriage for anyone else.
What is your advice for couples looking to get married?
Rasheed: My advice is that they should marry a well-trained woman because that training will go on a long way in helping their marriage. And they should not rush into any relationship with a woman because of her physical qualities because if they rush in, they will rush out.
Ramat: My advice to women is to look up to God; you can’t do anything without His directives. They should also have patience. Ladies of these days lack patience all because of money and material things. For you to stay long in your husband’s house, you need to be patient and not think of material things. Peace of mind is way better than the material things they are chasing.
What is your advice to married people?
Rasheed: My advice to men is to be patient with their wives. Patience is a very big virtue. Ramat: My advice to married women is to have patience and be their husband’s peace.
