Before you go into marriage, take time to study your partner’s character very well, and know whether it is something you can live with for the rest of your life or not. This is the advice that Mr. Chidi and Mrs. Joy Chika Akubuo, from Orlu, Imo State, would want intending couples to heed as they court, in preparation for marriage. As for the newly married, the couple would want them to eschew selfishness, an unforgiving spirit or attitude, intolerance, materialism, carnal comparison with other couples, and bad influence from friends if their marriage is going to last long. Having been married for 38 years, the couple speaks from a wealth of knowledge and personal experiences. They would also want couples, both intending and newly married, to be prayerful.
In this interview with TONY JOHN in Port Harcourt where they currently reside, Chidi, from Umudioka, Orlu, and Joy, from Mbano, talk about what it takes to build and maintain a good home. Blessed with seven children – four girls and three boys- and many grandchildren, the couple’s advice, if heeded, can go a long way in helping couples enjoy a blissful marital life like the Akubuos seem to be enjoying at the moment.
Tell us about how you met before getting married to each other.
Mr Chidi: I met my wife in 1983 where she was working in Port Harcourt. I developed love interest in her, and that made me start to visiting her until I formally proposed. She agreed and we got married.
Madam Joy: When I finished with secondary school education, I started working in an office on Aggrey Road, Port Harcourt. It was one of my neighbours, who was his friend, that introduced him to me. He said he saw me and liked me. But to me, I would say that it was a divine arrangement. Shortly after that, I was in Port Harcourt but did not know that he and his brother had gone to my father’s house to make some inquiries about me.
How did you feel when you later learnt about their visit?
Madam Joy: Honestly, I was surprised when he came back and told me about it. I didn’t believe him. But when he described our compound and things that could be found there, I then believed him. You know, in Igbo customs, especially in the olden days, families must discreetly enquire about their proposed spouses’ respective backgrounds, before they can allow any traditional rites to take place.
As a young businessman, what attracted you to her?
Mr Chidi: She was very young and very beautiful. That was exactly what attracted me to her – her youthfulness and beauty.
As a beautiful young girl, many suitors must have approached you for marriage. Why did you choose to spend your life with him?
Madam Joy: You are absolutely correct. As a young girl, many suitors approached to ask my hand in marriage. In fact, I can tell you that I had suitors from my primary to secondary school days. But everybody has her choice. When I saw him, I knew that he was exactly the type of man I wanted in a marriage.
How?
Madam Joy: Before he approached me, I had always liked a decent man. That time, I learned he was an international businessman. He always travelled to Italy on a business trip and he had money. He was very decent, handsome and industrious. These qualities attracted me to him. And again, I had wished to marry an Igbo man. So, when he told me where he hails from, I developed more interest. Most of the others that approached me for marriage were from other tribes.
How did you propose to her?
Mr Chidi: I wouldn’t say there was any special way I proposed to her. But the truth is that, when she noticed the way I was treating her, she knew my body language was going for marriage. So, when I told her my intention, she did not decline. I observed that she too loved me. Not long afterward, I took my relatives to her family to start marriage rites.
What was your reaction on the day that he proposed to you?
Madam Joy: There wasn’t any special way he proposed to me. What I knew is that when he told me that he and his relatives went to my family, without his proposing to me, I knew that he was serious about marrying me. Since I loved him, there was nothing I could say than to accept him.
Was there anything like courtship?
Mr Chidi: There was no courtship per se, even though she used to visit me for about a month before the marriage was consummated.
Was there any opposition from family members, relatives, friends, or business associates?
Mr Chidi: There was none. Everybody supported me to marry her.
Madam Joy: Everybody, from my side and his, accepted the marriage. It was my mother that had wanted to oppose the marriage. I am the only daughter. So, she wanted me to marry someone that is close to my village. I am from Mbano while my husband is from Orlu. We are all from Imo State. But she later gave her consent.
Could you recall your first serious misunderstanding in marriage and how you solved it?
Mr Chidi: There had never been anything like that.
Madam Joy: Well, by the grace of God, he is the kind of man that doesn’t want an outsider to come into the marriage, no matter what the issue is all about. Till my mother died, a third party never came to settle any matter for my father and my mother. And I emulate that character from them. No matter the situation, I have never, gone to complain to anyone. No misunderstanding has lasted till the following day. But the only time that I knew we had a big misunderstanding was when I became born-again. It was a very serious issue.
So, how did you handle the matter?
Madam Joy: When I gave my life to Christ, my husband was opposed to it seriously. He queried why I should leave the family church (Catholic) for the new generation (Pentecostal). I joined Deeper Life Church. He disturbed me for some time. But because of the Word of God I was hearing and receiving every day, there was nothing I could do than to be on my knees always. I served him more than before. I was extra humble to him. Within that period, his actions did not make me to stop loving him or serving with all my heart. I washed his clothes and cooked his food wholeheartedly. I saw what he was doing as persecution. But the Word of God I was hearing regularly strengthened me in such a way that no matter what he did, it did not change or affect negatively my love for him. I continued to pray that God should open his eyes to know the truth. And, indeed, He did it. Even my mother was against me. She supported my husband. At a point, he told me to choose either him or the pastor of the church. I told him that I would choose no one; that l chose only Jesus. That time, there were trials, temptations. But, I still kept to my faith believing that one day God would arrest my husband. And He did it. Despite all that he did to me at that time, I loved him the more. I knew that God would arrest him when I received the revelation. Today, he is a strong believer (born-again). It was God that settled the matter by arresting him.
Sir, how do you feel about this testimony of your wife?
Mr Chidi: She is correct. Since then, we have been living in love and peace because there is Christ in the marriage and family.
If it were possible to come back after this life, would you still choose her as your wife?
Mr Chidi: I will marry her because she is a good woman. She is a peaceful wife. She has told you the story of our marriage when she became born-again, how we battled her. But, I later cooled down when God arrested me. Now, we attend the same church. I have seen that God is very important in one’s life and family. God has been faithful to us.
Madam, would also choose him as your husband if it were possible?
Madam Joy: If such a thing could happen, I would choose him because I love his pattern of life.
What advice do you have for young men planning to go into marriage?
Mr Chidi: Young men should not rush into marriage. After you have seen the woman you want to marry, before going into the marriage proper, you must take time to study the character of your wife-to-be.
In the face of rampant divorce cases, what advice can you give to ladies intending to go into marriage?
Madam Joy: They should know that all that glitters is not gold. They should be prayerful for God to give them their husbands so that they don’t marry their enemies. Don’t imitate others. Be satisfied with who your suitor is. For example, from the beginning of our marriage till date, clothes or cosmetics have never been an issue between my husband and me. They should also humble themselves. Fake love is rampant nowadays. Ladies should look well before marrying.
What advice can you give to young couples so that they too can enjoy a blissful home like you are doing at the moment?
Mr Chidi: Husbands and wives should know themselves, and trust and love each other. There should not be any room for a third party to interfere or meddle in their affairs. They should know that God is the bedrock of every successful marriage.
Madam Joy: Couples should understand each other. If they do, there will be no crisis in the marriage. They should not allow a third party into their marriage, no matter the gravity of the problem. There is nothing that kills a marriage than bringing in parents, relatives, friends into it. The only time my relatives came into my marriage was during the persecution I earlier told you about. I didn’t invite them and I didn’t succumb to their pressures. They wanted to know the pastor of the church where I worship. But, I thank God for handling the situation Himself. Again, they, particularly women, should be contented with what they have. Married women should run away from bad friends. They can’t help their marriage.
What is the strength of your marriage?
Mr Chidi: God, love, and peace. Where these three points are in place, peace will reign. So, love, peace, and God are our driving forces in this marriage.
Madam Joy: By the grace of God, we try to practise what we learn from the Bible. What is important in a marriage is the spirit of “let-go”. I have that spirit. No matter who has offended me, as a Christian, I don’t allow the issue to weigh me down.