BY KATE HALIM
In this part of the world, a mere mention of the word condom by a married man or woman is almost seen as a taboo. Many seeking to purchase condoms from stores would rather whisper the word, lest he attracts stares from fellow customers.
Indeed, most people expect married women to bear the brunt of planning their families. But some couples go against the norm and use condoms as contraceptives. Even though it may be unusual or even unheard of in some quarters for married couples to use condoms during sex, such couples insist that their reasons are valid.
Beatrice Akpan has been married to her husband, Francis for eight years, and she said that they have used condoms the entire time they have been married to prevent unwanted pregnancies. Akpan added that they like using condoms because it makes birth control a joint effort, whereas many of the other methods of birth control put all of the responsibility on the woman.
She said: “Honestly, I know that a lot of Nigerian men have problems with condoms, but my husband and I don’t mind using them. It is not an issue for us. I don’t want to be the one suffering the many side effects of female contraceptives out there. It’s too much burden to bear and my husband agrees with me.”
The mother of two told Saturday Sun that after they got married, she and her husband decided that they would have only two children and they agreed to use condoms on her unsafe days. She noted that even though the plan has worked for them for years, she was surprised when her husband agreed to always use a condom when they want to have sex.
“I was scared at first to approach the topic with him because I have seen how female contraceptives messed up some women’s health and bodies and I didn’t want that for myself. When we had the discussion, I was shocked that he agreed that condoms were the safest birth control methods with the least side effects compared to other methods,” she said.
“It’s nice to be able to call my husband and ask if he bought condoms while shopping. Marriage is for two people. For us, birth control is a team effort and definitely evens out the playing field, which I really like. I know that some of his friends feel like I am controlling him but I feel lucky that I have a husband who understands me, looks out for my comfort and makes me feel like his partner and not like a subordinate.”
Akpan who revealed that they had their second child two years ago, said that using condoms as opposed to being on another method of birth control was quite helpful when they decided to start trying for another child. She said that after they had their first child five years ago, things were rough financially for them so they took precautions and delayed having another child until they were settled. Using condoms made it much easier, she said.
“Usually, you have to wait a couple of months after coming off birth control to let your body adjust before you start trying for a child. But with condoms, you don’t have to wait a certain amount of time. It just feels like my body is doing what it is supposed to do naturally and it is a really good feeling.”
A tech expert, John Ebira said that after his fifth child was born, he told his wife that they had to start protecting themselves with condoms because he didn’t want them to take chances. Ebira revealed that even with the implant contraceptive in place, his wife still got pregnant with their last child.
“When she came crying to me one afternoon, saying she was pregnant, I was shocked. I asked her if she removed her contraceptive implant but she said no. The funny thing was that she was almost four months pregnant before we found out. By that time, it was too late to even terminate the pregnancy because of the financial hardship we were facing,” he said.
Ebira, who came from a large family, stated that he wanted three or four children but expressed gratitude for the five children God blessed him with even though catering for their needs is tough. “My wife and I had twins twice. It was as if we planned it but we didn’t. We settled for having four children after the second set of twins was born. But we didn’t know fate would play a fast one on us soon. Two years after, she was pregnant with our fifth child. We prayed seriously for the child not to be a twin because it would stretch us further.”
According to him, the decision to start using condoms as a means of family planning was taken after his wife started reacting to her hormonal implants months after she had them implanted. He said that her periods became very heavy and she added so much weight that he started finding her undesirable.
“The first time I suggested that we start using condoms instead of her using a method that disrupts her period and body weight, she refused. She asked me if she was a prostitute for me to suggest such a thing. My explanations fell on deaf ears. She even got my elder brother involved in the matter and embarrassed me before my family. I finally told her that if she wants to remain bloated from using implants, that’s her business, but I will find a desirable woman and start making myself happy. She quickly agreed to remove her implants and we started using condoms since then,” he said.
Edith Idoko is a radio presenter based in Abuja. She told Saturday Sun that her friends and family were shocked to find out that she and her husband use condoms to plan their family. She stated that while some people were eager to hear her story and why she decided to go down an unpopular route, others claimed she didn’t love her husband enough for allowing him to use condoms with her.
Idoko said: “The first time I mentioned this to a group of people, they looked at me as if I had committed a crime. One person told me that it was not right for me and my husband to use condoms while having sex because we are married. Even after I explained that our reason for doing that was to prevent unwanted pregnancies, this person still insisted that it was wrong. I just left them alone. I have been married for four years now and my husband and I use condoms to plan our family.”
Idoko added that they both decided after she suffered infections from an intrauterine device inserted into her body three years ago after she had their first child. She said that even though the device was non-hormonal, she almost died from heavy bleeding and menstrual cramps.
“I don’t know how people survive with contraceptives. I tried using one method and it almost killed me. The day I lost consciousness in front of my house gate was the day I decided to take it off. I didn’t care what my husband would think. I told him days later that we would have to start using condoms for family planning because he was the one carrying the sperm. I can’t get an injection and there is no way I’m going to walk around with a coil in my body,” she said.
Pregnant with her second child, Idoko confessed that she pities women who have to take on the responsibility of planning their families alone. She stated that more enlightenment needs to take place in hospitals, churches and mosques regarding birth control methods and more men need to step up and take responsibility for planning their families instead of leaving their wives to carry the load alone.
A gynaecologist, Sola Odunayo said that he has been married for 12 years and has been using condoms as a means of birth control after he had his first child 11 years ago. “As a medical practitioner, I have witnessed first-hand how birth control methods mess up some women’s health and self-esteem. I have seen women suffer from seizures, anaemia, weight gain, infections and mood swings because they were trying to plan their families. I told myself that I won’t put my wife through that unnecessary stress.”
Odunayo, who has three children said that he didn’t decide to use condoms as a means of contraceptive alone. He added that he prepared his wife for the discussion by constantly telling her about the side effects of contraceptives while chipping in at the same time about how safe, cheap and stress-free condoms were. He said that he did this for months before broaching the topic with her so that she won’t interpret it wrongly.
“Women are complex beings. You might think you are doing them a favour by taking a particular decision but they will see it another way and start accusing you of something you don’t even plan to do. I had to butter my wife up before dropping the ball. After I told her what we should do to keep our family small, she was quiet for a while. I assured her that it was for the best because I didn’t want her to suffer any kind of pain. She looked at me and smiled and said I believe that as a doctor, you know the best thing for us. I hugged her and that was it. For over a decade, we have been using condoms and we don’t have regrets,” he said.