How to cope with life after losing your spouse

• Gov Eno, Ighodalo, Dada share experiences at late Oluwakemi James’ funeral

By Christy Anyanwu

It was the service of songs for the late Mrs Oluwakemi Oyeteju James, wife of respected journalist, Michael Effiong.

The service, held at one of the annexes of Daystar Church, Oregun, Lagos, had in attendance people from all facets of life. 

But apart from the songs rendered and the sermon preached at the event, there were words of consolation to the widower, currently serving as Senior Special Adviser to Akwa Ibom State Governor, Pastor Umo Eno. Members of the audience were also counselled on how to cope with life after the sudden passing of their spouses by the trio of Governor Eno of Akwa Ibom State, popular cleric, Pastor Ituah Ighodalo and President, Afrima Awards, Mike Dada, three widowers were also confronted by the abrupt demise of their wives. 

At the event, the master of ceremonies for the day, Azuh Arinze, also a respected journalist, editor and publisher of Yes International Magazine, a long-time friend of Effiong’s, called on Mr. Mike Dada, president of Afrima Awards, to counsel the bereaved husband, since he also lost his wife only recently.

Dada said: This life is short. I lost my wife one year, six months and 14 days ago.

“I think I went to see some therapists. Therapist one, I left. Therapist two, three, I became a therapist at that moment. And I tried to see individuals who had experienced such things. It’s not easy to lose your partner.

“I think it’s worse to lose your spouse, I don’t know. I went to individuals who have had such an experience, just to learn and share experiences, to see if what I was going through was normal. And I think I went to see Pastor Ituah, too. I went to his office and listened to him. And it helped. And one of the things he told me was, well, it’s gonna happen.

“Everyone was in love. And that was what I experienced, and I know that’s what Mike experienced. Especially when you have a wife that happens to be a key, not just a wife, the centre of your life, your activities, day in, day out. Or vice-versa, your husband, the centre of your life.

“The children, some of them will cry today, another one will cry tomorrow, not knowing that you are also crying. And you have to manage that, show strength and resilience. It’s a tough one.

“The truth of the matter is, we will go. And that is the more reason I take solace in the fact that we are Christians. We won’t mourn like unbelievers.

“But, first and foremost, we are human beings. I take solace in the fact that, while the future may be uncertain, we know that there’s somebody in charge of that future, that’s God. And if you have that belief, that understanding, it will make life much easier.

“Sometimes, you want to remember, to say your wife will just come home and open the door, that it was all a prank. But, it will never happen.

“So my prayer to you is that God will hold you tight. His name is a strong tower. When you run to it, you will be safe, and the children, you are now the father and the mother.

“And the Lord will be the light unto the path of the children, your path as well. He will never leave you stranded, in the name of Jesus.

“And to all of us, God will give us the understanding and the knowledge to understand that we are here for Him and for Him alone.”

The officiating minister of the day, Pastor Ituah Ighodalo, admonished the audience: “In moments like this, addressing the widower, you hear a lot of things. People talk to you, talk about you, talk around you. And some think they are trying to comfort you, but they are making you think.

“God will comfort you. Only God can truly, truly comfort you.

“You begin to feel pain that you never noticed. You begin to have heartbeats and tremors that you never thought you had. You begin to think, ‘Did I do something wrong? Or where did I drop the ball? If only I had not, or if only I had…’

“You begin to imagine and you keep looking at the door, thinking. You look into the bathroom and you see her cosmetics. You see her bathrobes. You see her soap. You see this and that. And you begin to wonder to yourself, what’s all this about? 

“You go to the kitchen. You come out of the kitchen. Then you begin to dial her number. And then you find that nobody is going to answer that call.

“Because I have walked that walk before. And the man that spoke (Mike) walked that walk. Because what has happened now, happened before. It’s happening right now. And that is the way of life that nobody can stop.

“I came here from Egypt on Friday to speak at the one-year memorial of a gentleman who, around this time last year, 27th of March, lost his wife. And I spoke at the wife’s funeral a few weeks after. They said it was one year, and they wanted me to come again, this time around, to say a word of prayer. And so on and so forth. 

“And the young man had gone to the podium to give a vote of thanks. A very funny boy. One of the things I told him last year was, my wife, before she passed, wanted to go jogging. So, she took my socks, my blue socks, and said she was going to wear the socks.

“And I said, ‘Ah, don’t wear my socks, you have your own socks. Don’t wear my socks. Take your own socks.’ 

“Never quarrel with your wife.

“Never ever quarrel with your wife. Those of you who are quarrelling with your wives, you are wasting your time because you are quarrelling with yourself. If she was so bad, why did you marry her? And you never know what tomorrow will bring. So, I said, ‘Give me my socks, you can’t wear my socks’. She said, ‘I’m going to wear it, it belongs to me.’

“It was the best decision I ever made in my life. She wore those socks, and went jogging. She came back, put down her shoes, put down my socks, and then went to have a shower, and said she was going to Port Harcourt for COVID. And as she was going to Port Harcourt for COVID, she was playing with me, beating me, and I was shouting, ‘Sanwo-Olu o, all of you come and rescue me, come and help me (That video trended)’. 

“My wife left for Port Harcourt and never returned from that trip. I got a phone call at 3am that madam was not breathing again. I told them to take her photograph and when they sent it I saw she was not breathing.

“I looked up to heaven. Basically, I went inside and I saw the socks. I took the socks and held the socks and I smelled the socks. And I said, thank God, I had something to hold.

“I shared this with this boy at the funeral. He came on Saturday, he said when he got home that night, he couldn’t sleep. He kept  thinking of my story of the socks. Then he went into his wife’s wardrobe, started looking for underwear and he wrapped the underwear around his neck. And that was the only way that he could sleep. 

“You never know what you have until it’s gone. You never know what God has put into your life until it’s no longer there.

“So, lesson number one, treasure what you have. And be thankful to God that God has placed the treasure in your life. If you’re ever going to give this message a title, call it Treasure in your life.

“He said he woke up the next morning and the underwear was wrapped around his head. He said two very profound things that Friday as he gave his vote of thanks. Number one, this thing that happened last year to me, it’s happening right now. And it will happen again.

“So, for some of us who think we’re immune to the things of life, we need to take life gently, one day at a time. Because anything can happen at any time. My friend, Mike, also spoke to us about this time last year.

“The second thing that the fellow said was that, last year, it was truly painful, truly unbearable. But this year, one year after, the pain is not quite as deep. God has a way of taking away the pain over time. He has a way of bringing waves of comfort and waves of encouragement. There will be highs. There will be lows. There will be good days. There will be bad days.

“But, someday, everything will turn out to be beautiful. There will be days when you say, why would God do this to me? When you come into the house, you punch the pillow, you throw it aside. But then there will be days when you say, well I thank God for what I’ve been through.

“I thank God for that. I want to tell the children that it’s going to be okay. It’s going to be just fine. God is going to help you cover the gaps, help you fill the holes. Nobody can quite replace your mother. But a lot of people will help to be there instead.

“Number two, life is unpredictable. I mean, from the 31st of December to the 1st of January, we all say Happy New Year. We’re all hugging ourselves. New Year resolutions. That was when he said, ‘I know that you never wrote in your resolutions that I’ll be burying my wife in March. It’s impossible to write that. Totally impossible. 

Who would have thought that some silly little canister of gas, the day that it was bought, had become a needle of death? Only God can predict life.’

“And that is how it went. And it claimed not one person, but two people in one family. Who does that? How does that happen? Two people from one family happened to be at that same spot.  And that’s it. Nobody planned it. She woke up like any other day. She had her bath like any other day. She had breakfast or whatever it was like any other day. The Lord will comfort you.

The Lord will stand by you. The Lord will not put you to shame.

“One year after my wife died, they asked me, ‘How are you feeling?’ I said, I’m walking like a man with one leg. Flying like a man with one wing. Eating like a man with half his stomach and thinking like a man with only half of his head. Because of all the things that I used to think through with my wife, I have to think through all by myself now. 

“A man in his 70s lost his wife and he was so devastated and didn’t have his bath for six days. The children had to talk to him, ‘Daddy you’ve got to shower today.’ He agreed and went to the bathroom and didn’t come out in a long while. 

They went back to his room and they found him sitting on his bed. He was just looking into space. They asked him, ‘Daddy, what is your problem? You have had your bath, wear your clothes, dad.’ He looked at them and said, ‘I don’t know where my clothes are. For over 50 years, whenever I came out of the bathroom, your mother had laid my clothes, every single thing I wore, she arranged it.’

“They started looking for where his clothes were.

“Things will change my dear friend (Mike) but, by God’s grace, things will change for the better. Life is a big challenge that can test the faith of a very strong man. Paul says, ‘We are troubled on every side, distressed, perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not forsaken, cast out but not destroyed’…be sober, be vigilant, because God is going to give you strength to overcome your troubles. Life is designed by the Almighty to do you good in the end.”

Akwa Ibom State Governor, Pastor.Eno, also a widower, in his tribute, said: “We are here to just show support to Michael, the children and the church. For us, it is devastating. I am losing two Kemis within two years. My wife passed almost two years ago, her name was Oluwakemi. I don’t know why God is surrounding you with people that have passed through this. I can tell you for sure that God will see you through. When my wife passed, I thought my world had collapsed. She was everything. 

“Like the pastor said, you just find out you don’t know where your things are, because the Lord gave you a lovely wife, she knows everything, even when you pretend, she knows, and, all of a sudden, she’s no longer there. There is a vacuum that you must accept but it’s only God that can fill the vacuum. 

“Please, be strong, and we are here to strengthen your faith. From all of the things that the church has done, the groups she represented, this should encourage you that your wife lived a very successful and inspiring life. I met her only in December. I remember we cracked jokes and I asked her if she could cook Afang. She said she would cook for me and I would know that she could cook all of our soups. I can’t eat any of them now (that she is gone). Please, just be strong. 

“I have a written oration but I just felt like speaking from the heart. You have been helpful in our administration. During our campaign, you literally relocated to Uyo for campaigns; that’s how we became close. You are not a typical Akwa Ibom person. You are a Lagosian, but you were there. That’s love. And since then you have always been around us.

“Play the tape of what the pastor said tonight again and again, it will really help you. Such words helped me. The word of God is always there to help you. Kemi is gone. We all will go. We only pray that God will extend our days and keep us to our time. 

“We will only be remembered by what we have done. We are strengthened tonight by what Kemi has done; don’t let her memory fade. Do something that will keep her memory alive so that the children will always feel good and you will always feel satisfied. 

“We want to thank the church for their support. This is why we belong to the household of faith in moments like this. When this moment comes and the household of faith rallies round us, it gives us strength. When our loved ones pass, we don’t say goodbye. We say good night. So, I would like to say to Kemi, ‘Good night, we will meet again on the resurrection morning.’”

Children of the deceased also paid tribute to their mum. 

Kufre said: “Mum was really one of the kindest people. Words cannot explain how much I miss her. I miss the simple moments when she would call and ask me how I spent all my allowance.

Right now, I would give anything just for her to call and ask the same questions.”

Said Annie: “My mother was the definition of love in the purest form. She was my best friend and she was my confidant. She was kind-hearted.

“She genuinely cared for people. She had a desire for helping people and her love was there, no matter what. Her heart was always open, always giving, always ready to help, even when it was inconvenient.

“Sometimes I wonder if she was too kind. Was that just who she was? Her life would be the true reflection of all the values she held close. She was firm when she needed to be, shaping my values and reminding me of what truly matters.

“Above all, she was God-fearing and devoted her life to serving God. She lived out her faith, not just in words but in her actions every single day. She was my constant, always calling, always checking in.”

Azuh Arinze, friend of the family, had this to say: “I called her Kemo Lala, and she affectionately called me Ichie. For the over 25 years that I knew her and Mike, I never visited their home without being served food. She knew my favourites and happily served me whenever she was home. Kind-hearted but strong-willed, she never hid her feelings.”

For the welfare unit of VPWM 2019-2026, Sister Oluwakemi Oyeteju-James was a leader par excellence: “A dear friend, sister and confidant. She was a mother to us all in the Welfare Unit of Victoria’s Great Women’s Ministry, a.k.a. VPWM.

“She was diligent in her duties and ensured that every task was executed with excellence. She would only attach her name to responsibilities that were well done. Indeed, she was an exceptional leader.

“Mrs. James was deeply loyal: loyal to the ministry’s vision, to the Welfare Unit and to each of us as individuals. She built genuine relationships with every member and carried us all in her heart. She protected us. She was a go-getter, compassionate, truthful and strong.

“She spoke the truth with boldness and, though it may have seemed blunt to some, she never compromised her value for truth. Though firm, Sister Oluwakemi was also deeply emotional and compassionate. She worked with those who worked and did all she could to ease the burdens of others.”