• Stakeholders offer useful tips on anger management

By Cosmas Omegoh

Concerns are mounting over rising incidents of domestic violence across the country.

Stakeholders are worried that things are ‘no longer at ease’ in many homes, as domestic violence pushes many relationships to the brink. And worried folks are speaking out and offering ways out. 

Our correspondent gathered that rising incidents of domestic violence and marriage breakups are becoming bigger problems the society now has to deal with. Many couples, who once loved each other tenderly, are now at daggers drawn. The love they once professed to each other is now spoken about in the past tense. Marriages are going down – some irretrievably – as the love that once held them together becomes quicksand, leaving violence in its place. No night passes without an ugly incident.   

Recently, the Lagos State government revealed simmering realities about the domestic violence that secretly confront the society.  

The state Attorney General and Commissioner for Justice, Lawal Pedro (SAN), raised an alarm that a total of 3,685 cases of domestic and sexual violence were recorded between July 2024 and August 2025.

Pedro recalled that domestic violence involving couples topped the list of the cases recorded, thus making it the most prevalent offence within the period.

Pedro had noted that there were a total of 726 family-related disputes, 243 cases of defilement, 244 cases of child abuses and physical assault, 48 cases sexual harassment, 32 threats to life and 99 incidents of rape among others.

Concerns over domestic violence

Although the figures under consideration were from Lagos alone, reports in the media show that they also mirror challenges in other states of the federation. They point to the telling truth that incidents of domestic violence are indeed on the ascendancy.

“Those figures truly speak to the fact that domestic violence is on the increase,” a source from a non-governmental organisation, Women Safe Homes Sustenance Initiative (WSHSI) told our correspondent.   

“Indeed, those figures are alarming. They suggest that many homes are no longer safe. It is a source of worry to everyone who is concerned about the future and stability of marriages.”

Similar concerns were also expressed by Mr Babatunde Oyafemi, the President of Provincial Marriage Advisory Care (PMAC) of the Catholic Ecclesiastical Province of Lagos.

“Violence in homes is a source of concern to us as a church; it is worrisome,” he stated.

“The Church frowns at that and fights hard to ensure that it doesn’t happen.

“That is why we have a body like PMAC in many parishes in the Catholic Archdiocese of Lagos, and the Dioceses of Ijebu-Ode and Abeokuta striving to prepare couples for matrimony.”

An Islamic cleric, Shiekh Ahmad Hamzat, the Chief Imam of Awujoola Central Mosque in Oyo, Oyo State, also admitted that domestic violence is worrisome.  

“The challenge of people marrying today and fighting tomorrow is concerning not only to Muslims but to everybody. This is because peaceful co-existence is important in life.

“Peace in homes is top on the need list of every couple. For every home to be harmonious, peace must reign supreme.”  

Signs of toxic marriage  

Dan Nzekwe, a marriage counsellor, gives ideas on how to notice troubled relationships – even from a distance.   

He said oftentimes, marriages earlier thought to be made in heaven get distressed and fractured with little notice.

“To some couples, it doesn’t take long after their wedding before they start noticing clear differences that suggest that they were actually incompatible after all.

“In some instances, one partner will begin to see that what they earlier thought was real about their partner was indeed a mirage. Then gradually, their differences build up, graduating to dislike and disrespect before climbing to malice-keeping – everybody keeping to themselves. Communication between them breaks down, leading to a general feeling of insecurity. Then verbal assault follows. Where the issues are not resolved early, the next in line is violence, injuries, divorce or death.”

Forestalling domestic violence   

For the Catholic Church, there are guard rails to secure the security, sanctity and sacredness of the marriage institution.

Recounting how the Catholic Church goes about it, Mr Oyafemi said: “We try to guard against marriage failures and domestic violence at the preparatory stage by ensuring that intending couples go through months of tutorials. During that period, we enlighten and equip them with the relevant skills to thrive in marriage.  

“Whenever issues arise after marriage –  anger-related ones for instance – our trained counsellors promptly identify them. We try to help the couples to resolve their anger, temperament and other issues before they degenerate into physical violence.   

“Of course, the noticeable signs that domestic violence has set in are battery, use of belts, weapons like kitchen knives. Loss of life may follow. Either the male or female could be the source of the violence.”

Mr Oyafemi went on to say that: “The Catholic Church has three approaches to tackling violence in marriage. The first step is premarital counselling, which involves getting intending couples to know the essence of marriage, how to live a fulfilled life together, including how to avoid violence, and how to manage and resolve conflicts.

“We also teach them the essence of constant communication to help them resolve issues early enough and eliminate misunderstanding, aggression and violence. We equip them with skills to cement their intimacy so that they become the best God wants them to be.  

“Secondly, when there is any manifestation of violence, the church has an avenue for counselling. Through that, the couples are exposed to quality counsel in a manner that helps them to see their challenges and agree to live better.

“In each parish community, there is a counselling team that helps couples resolve their differences and overcome their challenges.

“Thirdly, where the issues have reached a crisis stage, so much so that one of the couples has injuries or scares, the church will insist on separation to avoid further threat to life. This position is backed up by the church’s catechisms and even the Cannon Law.”

Mr Oyafemi said separation here should not be misunderstood for divorce.

“It is a temporary period which can last for three months. During this period, the church watches to see if they will communicate with each other and visit the children. The church wants to see how they will comport themselves.

“The period can be extended to six months to allow for mediation and counselling and for the couple to pray for each other. Over time, the issues are resolved; they reunite and live their lives anew.”

Our correspondent learnt that because Islam too does not sanction acts of violence, especially in marriage, it preaches peace, which informs traditional peace greetings.

“As humans, we offend one another. However, the Almighty God enjoins us to be patient and tolerant with one another,” Shiekh Hamzat recalled.  

“That is why God wants us all to approach one another with greetings of peace. Thus we always echo ‘Asalamalekun,’ which means ‘Peace be upon you.’ And the reply is ‘Peace be upon you too!’

“So, one cannot approach their partner with a greeting of peace and still be a source of ill and violence to the same person. That is not Islam. So, that is why as Muslims, we must do everything in our power to ensure peace.

“Now, with reference to a husband and wife, there is a bridge between them. God in the Koran ordered that when the peace between them is breached, two arbitrators should be appointed: one from the husband’s side and the other from the wife’s side to settle the issue(s) amicably. At the end of the day, it is expected that the partners will accept the ruling.

“God wills that if they sincerely wish the matter settled through that arbitration, He will strengthen their love and compatibility. But where the arbitrators are unable to settle the matter, it means both parties do not want genuine peace.”

 Shiekh Hamzat recalled that because God abhors violence in marriage, He willed compatibility among intending couples.

“God teaches us that before people go into marriage, they should ensure that they love each other before presenting to their parents for their blessing. This is a serious injunction to intending husbands and wives in Islam,” he warned.  

The ultimate beneficiaries of a harmonious relationship, he recalled, are the children who will live in peace to enjoy the goodwill of their parents.     

Our source at WSHSI said the agency does not wish people to sustain in toxic marriages – which often lead to death. So it strives to reach out to people in distress.

“We have a functional helpline through which people can reach us for counselling,” our source said.   

“We also have a shelter where survivors can come into when they are at risk to register and stay for a period of time. We give them opportunities to pick up their lives once again and move on. We are essentially survivor-centred in all that we do. So we do our best to support them.

“We are concerned that marriages don’t break up just like that. To that extent, we are also involved in mediation. We try to see if issues could be resolved so that survivors can go back to their homes and live happily together.

“We don’t work alone in this regard; our own in-house counsellors work with the government, Ministry of Women Affairs as well as the Civil Defence.

“After all that is necessary has been done, if we see that the survivor is still very much at risk, we consider other options.”