This is Channel Nigeria!

You dare resist Channel Nigeria to your peril! That is the real television station to watch. No dull moment. Though you are instantly confused yet you cannot be bored.

In fact, the more you watch, the more you are bewildered and, strangely, the more you are eager and encouraged to watch even more. It is curious, crazy and queer all at the same time.

It is packed full of thrillers and the unthinkable. And all these happen at the incredible speed of light. You find it almost humanly impossible to catch up with its supersonic trend. Before you find your bearing with one, a more thrilling episode pops up.

It breaks forth without warning, bursting open with a sharp sound. Then you become bemused. A little delay, you are practically lost and beaten behind. This won’t happen anywhere else except Channel Nigeria.

Our type of species is quite unmatched, very hardened. That is why nothing shocks us anymore in this awkward corner of the globe. Instead, we are the “unshockable” shockers. We develop unbreakable shock absorbers for every situation, whether pleasant or unpleasant. We have resistance to all circumstances.

We trivialise to ridiculous extents. We make an outright mess out of our pitiable conditions. We carelessly turn our fortunes, misfortunes, tragedies, et al, into expensive comedies and jokes. What an eerie people! Don’t blame us, it is our God-given gift. And we cherish it with relish.

Here in this our funny clime, we have completely lost our old, adored values. We are abundantly blessed with oddities. That is why we waste prayers without qualms. We love calling the name of God in vain. And we do not care a hoot because we do this with extreme frivolity.

Channel Nigeria has uncanny audacity and capacity. It is such an unequalled relaxation centre, a theatre of the absurd. You would marvel at its capability to cool off your strained nerves effortlessly. It even attempts to amuse God. What effrontery!

There is no way it would not amaze and baffle you. It has its own way of worming itself into your heart. It is consistently stubborn. It could wear any mortal out without knowing it.

Channel Nigeria was lucky to have filtered into God’s ears. It encouraged itself, persistent in coming, but God kept ignoring its ranting. He wisely kept it at bay, sticking to social distancing. It was restricted to a very safe distance.

One day, God was, as always, all over the world. He was doing good in serious-minded nations. That is what He knows how to do the best. Suddenly, He stumbled on Channel Nigeria. He was curious and He switched it on. The result(s)?

Incredible! So many blockbusters were going on simultaneously. They strived hard to out-do one another. Each was a spectacle to behold. This could only happen on Channel Nigeria. The movies would pull mammoth crowds any day. They were open rip-offs like never before.

God, out of divine inquisitiveness, opted for the sordid chartbuster on Niger Delta Development Commission (NDDC). The House of Representatives only wanted to know the whereabouts of a “meagre” N81.5 billion.

But, unknown to the House, it opened a Pandora’s box. Its worms are still at one another’s throats. It ignited a wildfire that is presently ravaging the probers and the probed alike. The two sides may end up severely burning their fingers in the process.

The movie was moving faster and God was becoming more interested. Then entered Godswill Akpabio and Joi Nunieh. Akpabio is Minister of Niger Delta Affairs and former governor of Akwa Ibom State. Nunieh is immediate past acting managing director of the NDDC.

They fought, shouted and abused. They remain at daggers drawn. They blamed each other for the stinking rot in the NDDC. Each washed him or herself clean. But none of them could convince us of their feigned innocence.

The scene moved back to the House of Representatives. By this time, God’s rapt attention had been firmly secured. NDDC’s current acting MD, Prof. Kemebradikumo Pondei, was in the eye of the raging storm. We were expecting action from him. But he failed us. He could not put up a single defence to the legion of corruption allegations staring him in the face. Instead, he chose to faint away.

God changed His sitting position when Akpabio made a second appearance. Predictably, Akpabio invited the ire of the lawmakers. And the game changed. He had shot back at the legislators: “We have records to show that most of the contracts in NDDC are given to members of the National Assembly.”

That patriotic submission brought out the worst in the members of the National Assembly. Speaker Femi Gbajabiamila spitted fire and threatened brimstone. He vowed to bring the world to an end if Akpabio failed to name names within 48 hours.

The “uncommon” governor could not be cowed or caged. He dared Gbajabiamila. He rolled the names out almost instantly. That list is causing ripples and great discomfort in some quarters. We are keeping our fragile fingers crossed. The clock is ticking for Gbajabiamla. We are impatiently waiting.

The drama could not have baffled or disturbed God a bit. What He detested was the oozing rot in NDDC. The dastardly manner in which they spent the funds and what they expended them on. That is the crux of the matter.

A rotten sampler: “N3.7 billion was paid for the supply of plastic chairs by the NDDC. Investigations have now revealed that the address the chairs were delivered at Asaba, Delta State, is the warehouse of the same company that got the contract. The company is allegedly owned by a lawmaker; and he is part of the committee probing the NDDC-IMC.”

This is Channel Nigeria! This is where we walk on our heads and think with our legs. Our leaders are our tragedies, our ultimate enemies. How much would it cost to establish a furniture industry to manufacture these chairs and even more products? Consider jobs that would have been created.

That was how far God could go on that. He still has EFCC and many more oddities to contend with. They are in disgusting legion. And we earnestly pray that He graciously intervenes even now.

The much-taunted “Next Level” is here with us at last. Channel Nigeria has stepped us up. We are no longer looters, we have passed that stage: Re-looters Plc, that is what we are.

The brave among us no longer loot, they re-loot brazenly with unkind impunity. We are going higher and corruption is fighting corruption. The sleaze, perversity and swindle in the EFCC scandal are our perfect case study.

On Channel Nigeria, probers and the probed eat from the same evil plate. They plot against us and plunder us in the night; pretend to be at loggerheads in the day. They retire together later in the day to jointly enjoy their loot. And laugh off our gullibility and innocence. They mock and deride us in their closest.

No country risks toying with its destiny for 60 years and remains standing. But Channel Nigeria does! We are rapidly aging but not growing. At 60, we cannot even crawl with confidence. We are looking for caregivers all over the world. China is our preferred port of call.

I insist that, indeed, we are wired for the absurd. All concerted efforts are being made to scuttle this country. Very few are actually interested in this Project Nigeria.

All the same, we can still turn our awkwardness around. The absurdities in us could be our greatest strengths, with determination. Nothing is practically impossible on Channel Nigeria, with God on our side. We can harness these weaknesses to our greatest advantage.

It is a challenge. Channel Nigeria, do we hail or hate thee? We don’t even know!