There are still happy marriages

It was 2:00 am and soft laughter could still be heard from the adjacent apartment, where the Essiens lived. Their love for each other was never hidden.

According to Pa Benedict Utiwe, the oldest neighbour in the compound, he said he has always been an accomplice to several date nights Udeme Essien planned for Uduak, his wife of 26 years. Utiwe again said, “There is a telepathy that works between the couple; not money. Whatever Mr. Essien tells you, will be his wife’s response. Despite the challenges that couples face in marriages, the Essiens are a happy couple. Most couples attribute happy marriage to good financial means, but this is not always true. Happy couples are spontaneous wherever they appear just like the Essiens.

Now, some newly married couples who spotted them began to understudy the marital lifestyle of the Essiens. It was discovered that they laugh together a lot. They stay in their home and laugh out loud. Couples that laugh together will have fewer quarrels. Even in the midst of their quarrel, laughter which is a therapy will find its way in their situation and take care of the hurtful languages.

Another quality of happy couples is their ability to sacrifice for each other. While some are in different professions or joint businesses, the worthy husband or wife knows how to cover themselves up from prying eyes. It reminds me of a former senior colleague in my former organization who confided in me that his wife has been the source of their survival since the organization was drowning. That official low moment of the organization affected staff salaries. Call him Mr. Peter, he walked into the office quietly and called me outside with so much joy. “I am a happy man today. I am excited. My wife surprised me. We have two children in the university who are about to resume. I have been asking God for help so my children will not be out of school. Guess what? While everyone retired in the night, my wife woke me up for discussion in our usual way. She brought out a big envelope and handed it to me. I asked what it was. She said it was the money she borrowed from the women fellowship of the church, a women’s meeting which she will return immediately after they are paid. She said to me ‘I have seen you go through pains in raising funds for the children to go back to school. Therefore, do the usual, hand it over to them yourself.  Do not tell them the source, I will pay back. Mr. Peter said, he looked at his wife and was short of words. Early in the morning he called his family and after morning devotion, he disbursed the funds before getting to the office.

This is typical of a happy marriage. Mrs. Peter proved that they have each other’s back and set goals together. They do not   compare their relationships. She gave her husband a thoughtful surprise. The man came to work happy, fulfilled and satisfied. She has removed stress which can aggravate her husband’s early death. There are still happy marriages.

When Christy’s five-year-old daughter was diagnosed with a hole in the heart, the next option was a surgery in India through the help of a non-governmental organization. Christy and Patrice were just there as a couple. While Patrice sells phone accessories, Christy sells fries from the home. Her physically challenged daughter was a major problem because of the effect of the illness. Therefore, the little girl was always on her mother’s back. The situation was tough for herself, husband and her 16-year-old niece, Peace, who lived with them. Being strong Catholics, the international arm of the NGO supported Christy and her daughter to travel to India. Mother and daughter spent six months before they returned to the country. While she was away, her husband, Patrice and Peace, her cousin, lived alone until she was back from her trip. The greatest news was that her cousin was completely intact upon her return. Patrice remained a faithful husband even in his wife’s absence. Some men would have turned her young niece into a sex object and blamed it on the devil. Other relatives also applauded the girl for being upright and did not seduce her aunt’s husband into romantic plays. Honestly, there are good marriages. Patrice was not a rich man per se, but he respected the dotted lines. 

Notwithstanding, some might say some people are lucky in their marriage; such people draw a litany of reasons why some marriages will not work. To such people, I will say to them, go back to the drawing board. Marriage is a good thing. Ask yourselves questions. What are you not doing right? What are you doing wrong? The moment you realize your mistake, work on them and make a great come back; then enjoy your relationship.

Despite all that the use of social media platforms has posed on marriages; there are still men and women who rose above such challenges. Couples who share phones, share joint accounts, and accept extended families deserve kudos. Dr. & Dr. Mrs. Ekwebelem represents a good example of a couple who noted the issues that destroy marriages and chose to avoid them from the onset. As medical students in the university, both were members of a strong Christian fellowship. They met and started a Christian dating until they both graduated and got married almost immediately. Dr. Mrs. Ekwebelem at one of the women’s conferences organized by a Pentecostal church told her story. “My husband and I sat at a table and began to write to list the things that cause divorce and separation in marriages. We itemised them: finance, time, wrong use of gadgets even though we are ICT compliant, nuclear and extended family members, ownership of properties and acquisitions of extended dividends, among others.

“When I graduated as a medical doctor, my father bought me a Toyota Landcruiser 2024 model for making him proud. On our wedding day, my father also willed a property to us, but handed the documents to me. Somehow, my financial status was stronger than that of my husband. But for the fact that we have a commitment in marriage, I changed and spelt out the documents for the two gifts to our names. Some people blamed my actions because they saw what I did not see. My mind saw love, appreciation, unity and forever bliss. My husband has remained the same till date.” 

In the same vein, there are several other happy people in the marital union. Once a husband who is the head of a home does the needful, others will simply align immediately. For couples who say ‘I love you openly’; those who kiss in public and give each other space will live happily ever happy. Those who learn and listen to each other’s love language, those who do not raise their voices, who do not get into unnecessary conflicts, will always be happy.

I recall the 30th birthday party of a celebrity fashion designer whose husband walked her into the state-of-the-art decorated hall, and left her halfway to do her thing, not minding she is his wife. Her husband realized she has both male and female clients who have come to honour her on her birthday and therefore needed her space. He did not ‘gum’ himself to her to monitor the number of men that shook her hands and congratulated her. On her part as a celebrity celebrant, she respected her husband and knew her limits. The next time her husband appeared was when she was about to cut her 30th birthday cake. He came and joined her to perform the ritual. This is exactly what it means to give each other space even though they are a couple. With this understanding, they will be a happy couple in marriage.

Again, couples who do not compare their relationships, families and income will always be happy after all. Those who communicate their feelings are also bound to be happy. But those who keep their feelings to themselves, hide from their partners are heading towards poor relationships. 

Dear Nigerians, no matter what the devil uses to persecute marriages, one can choose to live above those challenges. It is a matter of resetting the mindset and choosing to do well no matter the challenge. There are good standing marriages, and more good marriages will still be multiplied.