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Intimacy in marriage is where a couple, God has joined to be one, realizes it, and then lives up to the expectation. They do not tolerate the negative influence of a third party, be it from their children, parents, siblings, friends, Pastors, et cetera, since they are a unified whole and not a mere mathematical addition of separate parts. Intimacy determines how far a marriage will go. This explains why a poor family can stay in mutual love, while a financially buoyant family may not.
Suspicion ruins marriage, and it is the manifestation of the couple not knowing each other well. Intimacy makes a spouse to know the partner beyond the superficial. An evil neighbour can hire their housemaid to accuse Aunty’s husband of sleeping with her. In public, Madam may agree with him that he did not. Deep inside her heart, she may have some reservations, arising from the general belief that it is imprudent to defend a man in an issue that involves him with a lady. In their bedroom, Aunty may quarrel with him over the matter, when he never imagined such an evil deed. If she knows him well, she would be able to take a stand that is free from the public prejudice about men. It will enable her to suspect that the maid might have been hired for the bad job.
Intimacy fosters unity in marriage, and the more the couple shares intimate things, the more they will be knitted together. On the other hand, the less they share intimate matters, the more separated they will be, though they are still married. Improvement in sharing intimate things will make them to develop confidence in each other, with the resultant effect of trusting each other, by word and by deed. Trust is the pillar that holds a happy home. Once a couple can trust each other, they will be free in offering corrections when any of them errs. It is a terrible situation where a spouse errs and the partner is afraid to offer corrections. It can degenerate to ugly situations, which could have been avoided. They taught us in the primary school that prevention is better than cure.
Intimacy in marriage is a worthy legacy a couple can pass to their children. Kelechi, our second son, said that children do not do always what their parents tell them but what their parents are doing. I give God the glory for the intimate relationship among our children. They hold vigils, retreats, family and business meetings. There is nothing that they are not free to discuss among themselves.
After the death of a man, it is possible that his wife will not know how to run the family business because Uncle had made her a stranger in it. She may not know his sources of supply of goods in the store, how he disposes them, et cetera. While his creditors will come to the wife, after his burial, for the money they loaned to him, most of his debtors may abscond, none coming forward to pay. The case would have been different if his wife, though working elsewhere, had been in the picture. Now that he is dead, it will then be her choice to run the business or to engage someone else.
It is important to know that, as good as intimacy is, there are some limits to what a couple can share between them. Nothing should make any of them tell the other, the people in their different families that opposed their marriage relationship, when their family was considering it. It may dampen the relationship between the spouse and the family members concerned. The spouse may laugh when exchanging pleasantries with them, but it may be superficial.
It is not wise also, for a couple to share any issue that will cause panic for the partner. Many years ago, Ify and I were travelling from Lagos to Enugu and I was driving. Around Oji River, one private car overtook us and the people in it pointed fingers at us as if to say, ‘This is it.’
Though I knew the implication of their conduct, I did not want my wife to know what I saw. I did not know that she caught the plague too but did not want to frighten me. As I was praying silently, binding and casting so was she doing until God delivered us from them. That was when we discussed the matter. I found out that we were all labouring not to frighten each other.
It is possible, for a close family member or friend, to make sexual advances to a partner. The spouse should not tell the partner so as to avoid unforeseen contingencies, unless the person persists in it. The affected spouse, after turning down the immoral advances, should make out time to talk passionately to that agent of the devil. The implication of the person’s misconduct must then be pointed out: it is a sin against God, the victim, the spouse, their children, et cetera.
From time to time, your children may misbehave and will apologize for their misconduct, promising that they will not repeat it. They may plead with you, not to tell your spouse. You will oblige them, depending on the type and gravity of the offence. If it is consistent, you will tell your spouse for both of you to discuss how best to handle it. It may lead to family fasting and prayers or holding a family retreat.
You may discover that your spouse, for whatever reason, is not liked by some of your family members. May you not break the ice. Use wisdom rather to encourage your spouse to improve their relationship and commitment to the family. Work also on your family members for them to stop the bias.
A spouse requires wisdom in breaking bad news to the partner. One morning, I made my wife to tell her company that she would be reporting late to work. We went to a hospital in Lekki, to see her brother on admission. We spent the day there, praying for the miraculous, as we met him in coma. We left late. By 8 pm, I received a call that he was dead. I bled, weeping secretly as I concealed it from my wife, who is my prayer partner. That night, I slept in the Boys’ Room so that we would not pray together. After our morning devotion the following day, I used the Scriptures to tell her.
We can conceal, also, surprise packets to our spouses, such as birthday celebrations. When I was 64, I sensed something one Sunday morning. Trust me! Applying number 6, I dressed casually for the church service instead of in suit, to see how she would react.
Trust my wife! With number 6 too, she did not object, making me relax my suspicion. Midway into the service, being evangelism Sunday, she went out also. It eroded my suspicion. My Senior Pastor colleague engaged me in discussion in his office. After evangelism, as we were entering the auditorium for final prayers, I was welcomed with ‘Happy birthday’ song. I was beaten at my game!
For further comment, Please contact: Osondu Anyalechi: 0802 3002-471; [email protected]
