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From Tony John, Port Harcourt
Mr Bartholomew Adibe, a businessman and Mrs Francisca Chidimma Adibe, a teacher are both from Imo State but different local government areas. They have been married for over three decades, and their marriage is blessed with six children (three boys and three girls) with many grandchildren.
In this interview with TONY JOHN in Port Harcourt, they share the secrets of their long and happy union.
Could you please tell us how you met your wife?
Mr Bartholomew: When I knew her, I was into trading here in Port Harcourt. That was more than 30 years ago. I met her here in Port Harcourt. She used to visit her elder brother who was also doing business with us. I kept studying her any time she visited her brother. From there, I expressed my love and intention to marry her. I told her that I would want us to build a family together. She became interested in what I said. That was how we started. I went home and told my father. My father said if I had seen a woman and was determined to marry her, whenever I was prepared for the journey, I should let them know. That was how we started. No courtship per se. In fact, as my father said that, I didn’t waste time. I came back to Port Harcourt, arranged myself and went home. From there, the journey into marriage started.
Madam, was that how it happened? Or do you have anything to add to what your husband said?
Mrs Francisca: The way he said it was how it happened. I have nothing to add to it.
Sir, something must have attracted her to you for you to propose to her. Can you tell us?
Mr Bartholomew: Very well. When I saw her, my instinct told me she would be a good wife. I saw humility, obedience and loyalty in her. I used to monitor the way she was behaving. She was obedient and humble to her elder brother, who was with us in the business.
As a young girl, many suitors might have approached you for marriage. Why did you choose him?
Mrs Francisca: When I met him, I was not living in Port Harcourt. But I used to visit my elder brother, whom he also knew. So, when he approached me for marriage, because of the way he was comporting himself, I knew that if we got married, he would take care of his family well. That was why I agreed to marry him when he proposed to me.
Did you receive any opposition either from parents, relatives or associates?
Mr Bartholomew: During that time I wanted to marry, due to the far distance because my place is far from hers, my father said her area was too far. He asked me, ‘are girls scarce in our neighbouring communities?’ Then I asked my father: ‘What of other people whose places are farther than mine?’ My father replied that it was our own generation that was doing that, not theirs. He (my father) said during their time, marriage was done within one’s neighbourhood. I told my father that distance would not be a barrier to my marrying her. He later agreed. That was the only opposition I had.
Mrs Francisca: Well, during that time, my age mates were not yet married. It was after my school certificate examination. So, I found it difficult to go. Even as I was going into the marriage, I was crying because I remembered that my mother would be alone. I loved her too much. But God encouraged me. I wouldn’t say I had any opposition.
Sir, how did you propose to her?
Mr Bartholomew: There was no special way I proposed to her. I saw her and approached her for marriage. There was nothing like engagement ring or whatever. I went straight to tell her my mind. Even this way of people going to make enquires, I didn’t do that.
Madam, how did you feel when he told you that he would like to marry you?
Mrs Francisca: My elder brother got married from his area. With that, I felt happy and it was the encouragement I had to accept him for marriage.
What was the experience you had either during your traditional or white wedding, or both, that you won’t forget?
Mr Bartholomew: May 2023 made it 30 years that we got married. On our wedding day, the reception would have been a big disappointment if not for God’s intervention. The hall we booked for reception was not released to us. I did not know whether it was deliberate or not.
Mrs Francisca: What is memorable to me, even this morning I was discussing with him, and I told him that we were the first couple who Rev. Fr. Pronto (a white priest) allowed to use the main church for reception. He had never done that before. What happened was that, we had already paid for a reception hall. But, the church catechist, whether knowingly or unknowingly, released the hall to another person. At that point, we were confused and didn’t know what to do. But, Rev. Fr. Pronto, being a white man, decided to remove everything inside the church and allowed us to host our visitors inside the church. It would have been a big disappointment. But, God used the priest to change the story. So, the experience is still memorable.
How did both of you settle your first misunderstanding as a couple?
Mr Bartholomew: In our early marriage, I recall there was something I told her and it led to disagreement. I felt that she was challenging me. And out of annoyance, I slapped her and she got wounded. Fear gripped me. I felt guilty. I never knew it would result to that. She reported me to my best friend. When he came with his wife, I hid myself at the back of the house. At last, he called me out and they reprimanded me for what I did. I regretted what I did. After that incident, I have never tried it again till date. The incident happened more than 30 years ago.
Mrs Francisca: That was what happened. And what caused it was that he was looking at other girls.
What name do you call your wife?
Mr Bartholomew: I call her Mine.
Madam, what name do you call your husband?
Mrs Francisca: I call him what he calls me (Mine).
When you offend each other, how do you reconcile?
Mr Bartholomew: When I notice that I have offended her, maybe it happened at night, I will keep quiet. In the morning, I would go for my business. When I come back, I would approach her and tell her that what happened the last time shouldn’t cause disharmony between us. From there, we would reconcile.
Mrs Francisca: I won’t waste time to tell him to forget what has happened.
What would you want God to change in the life of your wife, if possible?
Mr Bartholomew: There is nothing I would want God to change in her life. Since we married, she has been good to me.
Madam, is there any area in your husband’s life you would want God to amend?
Mrs Francisca: Just as he said, he has been very nice to me. I don’t have any area I would say God should change.
How do you pass a message to your spouse in the midst of other people without them knowing?
Mr Bartholomew: What I do is l look straight to her eyes. She understands and leaves. I follow her, tell her whatever I want to say and come back.
Mrs Francisca: Just like that. We understand each other easily.
What is the secret behind success in your marriage?
Mr Bartholomew: God and endurance are the secret behind the success of our marriage.
Mrs Francisca: It is God first. As a family, you must hold God and be prayerful. Once you do this, He will help you. Secondly, love is key to marriage success. As long as husband and wife relationship is concerned, love is key to success. When the husband and wife love each other, it attracts blessings to the family. Endurance and perseverance are key to the success. When I married him, I didn’t look at the low level he was. I looked forward to a brighter future. And God has made it for us. That time, it was hard. But, today, God has taken the glory
What is your advice for young bachelors that want to go into marriage?
Mr Bartholomew: What every young man should know about marriage is that, it is beyond seeing a girl on the road and telling her that you would like to marry her. You must be mentally, emotionally, spiritually and financially prepared for the journey. As a man, you must be patient and also study the girl you want to marry.
Madam, what should spinsters have in mind before going into marriage?
Mrs Francisca: Spinsters should know that to be in marriage is not easy. So, they must be fully prepared for it. First and foremost is perseverance. There is an adage which says that ‘when you fall for me, I fall for you. It’s a play’. You should be prepared not to hold anything against your husband-to-be for the marriage to go on. As I said earlier, marriage is not easy. Endurance is very important in a marriage. Problems that occur in a marriage are numerous. But, if you have endurance, at the end, you come out victorious. As a young girl, you must hold God tight. At the end, people would be wondering the secret behind your success.
The rate of divorce is worrisome nowadays. What advice do you have for couples, so that they can experience marital bliss like you?
Mr Bartholomew: Challenges abound in a marriage. Couples should know this fact. It is only two of you (husband and wife) that can manage it and overcome the challenges. It is not only the man or the woman, or even a third party. There must be room for forgiveness. Couples should not create a room for a third party. Couples must be prepared to solve their problems by themselves alone. They should not allow even neighbours to know. There is no marriage that doesn’t experience one challenge or the other. The solution is not outside. It is within your home. Whether there is abundance or scarcity in the house, keep it within yourselves. Things can change overnight either positively or negatively. Hold your God firmly.
Mrs Francisca: I still say marriage is not easy for two unknown persons to come together and decide to live as husband and wife. Couples should make God the foundation of their marriages. They should be prayerful because someone outside might not know what they are passing through.
