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Conflicts are bound to happen in the home because most couples have different backgrounds. Ify, my wife, was born in Enugu, a township, by literate parents. All her siblings are graduates. On the other hand, I was born and raised in the village by illiterate parents. Our first misunderstanding was on the use of towel. She could not understand how a man and a lady would use the same towel. I could not understand why we should not, which was the practice in my mum’s house.
In another family, their problem was toothpaste. Aunty could not tolerate, after a while, the manly way her spouse was using their toothpaste, messing up the whole tube. It resulted to their divorce. In another family, where the couple were medical doctors, Uncle prescribed a drug for their sick child, and it was not acceptable to Aunty. “My child cannot take this drug,” she insisted. Uncle stood on his prescription. The devil had his way, as the marriage ended in divorce!
The issue is not really about conflict but how it can be resolved, when it sets in, but more importantly, how it can be avoided. We must note God’s injunction in all situations of our life: “Follow peace with all men and holiness, without which, no man can see God” – Heb 12:14, Rom 14:19. We are to seek for the things that make for peace, knowing that marriage is immutable. God insists that the couple He has joined in marriage, no one can put them asunder. It includes the couple, their children, parents, friends, court, et cetera. Justice Adefarasin, the late Chief Judge of Lagos State, a child of God and one of the patrons of Youth for Christ, did not hide his position. In divorce cases, he would tell the couple that though they have been divorced by the Laws of the State, but before God, “You are still husband and wife”.
God has joined us, Christian couples, to be one – Gen 2:24. We must consider the effect of what we want to do on our children. It is the training we are giving them, good or bad, so that when they grow up, they will not depart from it – Prov. 22:6. As we pray that they will excel us, they will do so for all our chosen lines of conduct, the good and the ugly. If we must divorce, we must bear it in mind that we will not marry again until the death of our spouse – Mark 10:11-12. Will a child of God pray for the death of his divorced spouse or will he kill the partner so that he will be free to remarry?
No matter how we are hurt, we should not advertise our conflict. Michal, King David’s wife, did so by refusing to join other people in celebrating the successful returning of the Ark to the City of David. As the First Lady, she did not consider the implication. Nabal threw a party and did not involve nor invite Abigail, his wife. That was provocative but she kept the hurt to herself and rather pleaded with David for forgiveness, who had wanted to kill him and his family.
To avoid anybody listening to any conflict between my wife and me, I choose 2am for resolving conflicts between us. I will wake her up for brief prayers before the discussion. If, what she did annoys me much, I may wait for two days for my anger to go down before confronting her. In all conflicts, it is not good to draw conclusions that our spouse is the offender. Paul and Barnabas had a conflict in Acts 15:36-40. Paul had suggested a follow-up of their new converts and Barnabas agreed, but insisted that John Mark, who abandoned them in Pega in Pamphilia, must go with them. Paul refused that he would work with a man that might leave them at the lurch. It caused a ‘divorce’ in their Ministry, Paul going with Silas, and Barnabas with John. History proved Barnabas right. He gave John, later used by Paul, a second chance as he did to him, after his conversion – 2Tim 4:11.
We should be putting on always, the garment of peace. David did this by bringing food home for Michal, instead of being angry with her for her absence during the celebration – 2Sam 6:20. Abigail assuaged David’s anger to wipe away Nabal’s family, though her spouse did not inform her of what transpired between him and David. Meeting a party holding in her house and her husband drunk, could have made her to explode but she did not. She waited until his lucid period – Patience! No wonder, only women bear this name! It is unfortunate if a lady named ‘Patience’ is not patient! It was wrong, however, for Abigail to go off tangent by referring to her husband, before David, as a foolish man. She seemed also, to be wooing him, by telling him to remember her when things would be okay with him- 1Sam 25:25; vs30-31.
Conflict or no conflict, the manner we welcome our spouse at home is important. A certain Christian brother, a national figure in this country, a Board member of many blue chip companies, would carry his wife like a baby, when he returned, from their outer door to the bedroom and anything could happen! Michal could not even welcome David home, nor appreciate him for the success of the programme. She rather sparked off with criticism! Michal’s confrontation and ridicule that David danced nude was provocative. If it was true that his garment loosened while dancing, who should be blamed but her? Should it not be her, his wife, who would have covered him? David’s response to her was crude and belittling of a man coming out from the presence of God – vs. 21-23. Referring derogatively to King Saul, his late father-in-law, who he mourned at death, was wrong. W should limit our problem to ourselves, without dragging other people to it.
We should know our spouse. If David knew Michal well, would he be surprised of her absence during the celebration in which he danced with great excitement? Did he encourage her to be there? What had been her attitude when the family prayed or discussed the programme? Could it be pride, as a Princess, who could not imagine herself, joining other celebrants that prompted her absence? Could it be that she did not know what the Ark was all about? As Saul, her father, did not know God, she might not also have known Him. If these things were true, why did David marry such a lady?
One dangerous weapon the devil uses during conflicts is for a spouse not to forgive the wrong things the partner has done. If God holds us in the same way, none of us will make it. A spouse should apologize for the wrong things he has done and the partner should forgive. “Why did you do it,” a Christian brother would ask his wife. That was wrong. Where a spouse finds it difficult to apologize, the partner can create a conducive environment for encouragement.
For further comment, Please contact: Osondu Anyalechi: 0802 3002-471; [email protected]
