These days, I mind my business when some women start complaining about being treated badly by their husbands. I listen to them and tell them to do what’s best for them.
I don’t get involved in marital issues anymore because some women knew the kind men they were getting married to but turned a blind eye to the red flags of these men’s behaviour because they want to get married at all costs.
I always tell women not to overlook red flags while dating because it will get worse in marriage. This idea that women have the ability to change men is driving many women into abusive and dysfunctional marriages.
The scenario below is common. You meet a man who’s simply charming. You are excited about him and you both begin dating. You start spending time together and even start planning your future together.
Everything is going great as you look perfect together except that your man exhibits bad habits now and again. You can’t also shake off the feeling that something isn’t quite right with your new love.
But because you love him, don’t want to lose him and want to spend the rest of your life with him, you overlook his bad habits. You tell yourself that he will change after marriage. You are very wrong.
You endure emotional, psychological and physical abuse because you want to get married by all means. You see glaring red flags about your partner and you overlook them because you want to sell aso ebi and show your friends that you are finally off the singles market.
But these things don’t just go away because of marriage vows. How many Nigerian men respect and honour their marriage vows in the first place? Don’t be fooled. Marriage doesn’t change a man, a man changes because he wants to.
Ladies should understand is that these seemingly insignificant tendencies can be early indicators of greater issues that will rear their ugly heads in future and affect their relationships. If he’s a chronic cheat before marriage, a ring won’t change him. This story I heard recently is one of the scenarios that ladies face and they pretend that all is well until they get married and then start complaining to every Tom, Dick, Harry afterwards about how terrible their husbands are.
37-year-old Stella has been dating 39-year-old Kingsley for two years now. Stella has an eight year old niece who she has raised since birth. This is because her mother, Stella’s sister died while giving birth to her and she didn’t disclose who the father of the girl is.
Since nobody came to claim the paternity of the child, Stella took her and started raising her. She enrolled her in one of the best schools in Lagos and took care of all her needs. The little girl even calls her mom because she’s the only mother she’s known since she was born.
Stella told her boyfriend everything about herself including her role in her niece’s life. He acted as if he was cool with it until he started complaining about Stella spending too much time caring for her niece. She begged him to understand her and they moved past that.
Later, her boyfriend said she shouldn’t be buying her niece expensive clothes and she obliged so that peace can reign in their relationship. He recently insisted that she withdraws her from the private school she attends and enrol her in a public school because she’s spending too much money on her education.
While trying to make him see reasons why she should leave her niece in the private school, he dropped a bombshell. He told her that if they get married, her niece won’t live with them. He suggested that she give her up for adoption or send her to relatives to become maid. He gave her an ultimatum and insisted that if she wants to continue to be the girl’s mother, they won’t get married.
The sad thing is that Stella is considering giving up her niece up for adoption so that she can get married to her current boyfriend. She said that age is no longer on her side and nobody should judge her for taking the decision to stop being the primary care giver of her late sister’s daughter.
What kind of advice does this lady need at this point? This guy is clearly manipulating her and wants to send her niece away because he’s mean and wants to keep the lady’s money all to himself since she’s the one with a fat paycheck. But because this lady is desperate to get married, she wants to give up a little girl who calls her mom.
Many times, when young ladies overlook red flags in relationships, some of the issues they overlook come back later to bite them. Women should not be blinded by love, desire and sex when dating.
Don’t say you can change a bad and irresponsible man; you are not the Holy Spirit. Ladies, don’t ignore the following red flags in your relationship if you don’t want to cry in the future. Marriage doesn’t change bad behaviour, it amplifies it.
If your intuition tells you that something is wrong with your partner, don’t wave it aside. People know how to lie, but your intuition doesn’t. The first one to tell you something is wrong will be your inner voice.
Pay close attention to gut feelings that ask you to analyze your partner’s intentions, words, and actions more closely. Refrain from making excuses for this man just because you have strong feelings for him.
Be honest with yourself and acknowledge when your partner isn’t acting in good faith or isn’t making you happy. Take signs and actions seriously. It is not an accident if you come across something that proves this person lied or isn’t who they claim they are.
Watch out for lack of communication. If your partner finds it difficult to talk about issues or express how he feels, don’t brush it off. If he distances himself emotionally when it is important to be open and honest, leaving you hanging, marriage won’t change him.
If your man is irresponsible, immature, and unpredictable, tackle the issues before tying the knot. Some men have trouble mastering basic life skills because they were not taught how to do these things like women were taught. They believe that the only thing they should know how to do is make money and women will be bowing at their feet.
Lack of trust is a red flag you shouldn’t ignore. When a man has difficulty being honest with himself, it may be hard for him to be honest with you. Some of his behavior may not be calculated and malicious but simply a learned habit of coping.
You should know that a man who refuses to hold himself unaccountable for his actions lacks integrity and respect for you as his partner. If he blames you for his irresponsibility, don’t marry him. You may feel that there are a lot of missing pieces in his life that you don’t know how many things are purposely hidden from you.
If there is something off about this person that seems obvious to family and friends, you may need to listen to what they are telling you. Often, in the throes of a new relationship, hearing criticism about your new beloved may not be welcome, but others may see things more clearly from an outsider’s perspective. At the very least, hear them out.
Don’t ignore the controlling behavior of your man because your biological is ticking. If he attempts to divide and conquer by driving a wedge between you and other significant people in your life, he is not the man you should marry.
He may be jealous of your ongoing relationships with these people or simply feel the need to control where you go and who you associate with, limiting your world to allow in only what is important to him. Sometimes, he may also make you choose him over your family and friends. This is a pointer to a future abusive marriage.
Feeling insecure in your relationship is a red flag. You may often feel that you don’t know where you stand in your relationship. Rather than moving forward, building on shared experiences that should be strengthening your connection, you feel uncomfortable, uncertain, or anxious about where it’s heading.
You may seek reassurances from your partner, but somehow these are only momentary and fleeting. As a result, you may be working double duty to keep the relationship on track while your partner contributes little or nothing because he feels it’s the duty of a woman to make a relationship work.
Unfortunately, this attitude won’t change when you marry him. He will see no need to work on our marriage. He will trample on you, hurt you with words and irresponsible actions and expect you to take them all because as a woman, you should work to keep your marriage.
A dark or secretive past is another red flag ladies should take seriously. If your man engages in illegal activities, or has addictive behaviors that haven’t been resolved, you shouldn’t reward him with marriage.
You shouldn’t ignore or excuse anything that strikes you as strange or makes you feel uncomfortable. But if he has done the necessary corrective work and continues doing so for his own good and for the good of your relationship, that’s a different story.
Any form of abuse from the seemingly mild to the overtly obvious which include verbal, emotional, psychological, and physical abuse is not just a red flag but a huge banner telling you to get out immediately and never look back.
If you discover your new partner is a chronic cheat from the start, spare yourself the heartbreak and move on with your life. Chances are that he was like that long before you and will continue to be this way and marriage won’t stop him.
Oftentimes, women hope they can change their men or mold their character and they marry these chronic cheats. They also think that these philandering men will somehow be different with them than they have been in their past relationships. You can’t change a man who doesn’t want to change.
Unfortunately, these women experience deep disappointment after some time when they realize that they can’t change these men. They start sending messages to different Facebook groups asking for advice because of their cheating men.
If your man talks down at others, is rude without reason, or has negative relationships with family members, don’t turn a blind eye to this behaviour. Don’t claim he is good for you because he is nice to you.
He may treat you nicely in the beginning, but the same issues he has with other people in his life will creep into your relationship down the line and you will become the recipient of his rudeness and bad behaviour. Ladies, shine your eyes, marriage is not the ultimate achievement in life.