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By Christine Onwuachumba
Christian author, lawyer and relationship counsellor, Dolly Ohanyere, says that discovering one’s self and purpose is vital and central to the fundamental life decisions a person makes. Even more so is discovering one’s identity in Christ and then beginning to build a new life on that foundation.
When she launched her latest literary work, The Becoming Collection, a series of six books, in Lagos, Ohanyere explained in an interview with Sunday Sun that identity shapes every decision in life, whether in marriage, relationships or personal purpose.
The collection, which explores identity, purpose and relationships, was inspired by the challenges she encountered in her marriage, and confronts both the familiar and often unspoken realities of married life.
How did the collection come about?
Let me start with what God said to Jeremiah before he was even conceived. God said, “I knew you” and “I appointed you a prophet.” That tells us purpose and identity were assigned to him before he was formed in his mother’s womb.
For me, that means purpose isn’t something you go out and find — it’s already embedded in who God created you to be.
About six years ago, when I started working in marriage, relationship and counselling, my mother said to me, “Dolly, I’ve always seen you this way. You’re always asking people questions about love, relationships and marriage.” Even as a child, I was curious about those things. Throughout my university years, people came to me for relationship advice, even though I was still single.
That made me begin to look for patterns in my life: what I naturally enjoy doing, what people consistently come to me for, and what comes easily to me. Those recurring patterns are worth paying attention to.
I began to realise God was showing me something — that identity is central to who you are and who you become.
It is from that place that you choose a life partner and lead your life. Parents, too, shape their children’s identity. If you are rooted in the values of the world, you are likely to raise your children from that perspective. If you are rooted in Christ, you will raise them from that foundation instead.
That is why identity is so important. It is the basis for every decision we make — the foundation upon which everything else is built.
What does becoming mean to you personally? Who were you before, and who are you becoming?
Becoming begins with knowing who you are. The first step is understanding your identity, then discovering why God created you.
I believe every one of us was created for a purpose. Take an Apple phone, for example: before it was produced and made available for people to buy, it already had a specific function it was designed to perform. I believe our lives are the same — we were created with purpose before we came into the world.
Before I got married, I did not know who I was, and I did not know God. I was simply enjoying life, having fun and living for the moment. I wore miniskirts, went out, enjoyed myself and did what I wanted.
After I got married, I began hearing the word of God from different people, many of whom later became my mentors. Eventually, I gave my life to Christ.
From that point, I began to understand there was more to Dolly than a job, looking good or enjoying life. There was a deeper purpose to who I was.
When you discover your purpose, it becomes the driving force behind your life. Just as a propeller moves a boat, purpose gives your life direction and momentum. It compels you to move, to act, to build, to love and to lead. Everything flows from that.
So, for me, becoming means reaching a place of self-awareness where you know who you are in Christ, understand who He has called you to be, and begin to live your life from that place.
Why did you choose to focus specifically on identity, purpose and relationships as the central themes of the collection?
I chose those themes because, as I always say, identity is everything. A simple biblical example is the crisis David faced at Ziklag in 1 Samuel 30, and the situation involving the shrewd manager in Luke 16. Both faced very difficult circumstances, but what made the difference was their identity, and the foundation from which they responded.
David first strengthened himself in the Lord before taking any action. The shrewd manager, on the other hand, acted immediately. One response was rooted in faith; the other was driven by human strategy and worldly wisdom. When your identity is grounded in Christ, it changes the way you make decisions.
I can also speak from my own experience. Over the past three or four years, my husband and I have gone through a very difficult season. Even till today, my separation documents are still with my lawyer.
It has been a very painful journey. We reached a point where we almost separated. But what kept me standing through the pain and challenges was my identity in Christ. Had I not been rooted in Him, I would have walked away.
I could easily have adopted the mindset that if one person can do something, the other should simply do the same — that is often the world’s response. As we say in Nigeria, God no go vex. But I knew there was something greater that God had called me to, and I wanted my decisions to honour Him.
Because I looked to God for direction, guidance and wisdom, every decision I made came from that place.
That is why identity is so important to me. Whatever you are going through, whether you are single or married, every decision you make flows from who you believe you are.
If you do not know who you are, every other area of your life becomes vulnerable. Sooner or later you will lose your direction.
Which of the six books was the most challenging to write, and why?
The most challenging one to write was Wells and Encounters. Everyone has been talking about that one because it is deeply personal — I wrote it out of my own pain. I wanted to change the narrative. Even some of the people closest to me believed I should simply accept the situation, because that is what tradition and culture expect of a Christian woman. The message was often, “No matter what happens, you’re a Christian woman, so just stay.” But I believed the Holy Spirit was leading me differently — that my story would be different.
Whenever something was wrong, I acknowledged it. When it became necessary to involve a counsellor, I did. When it was time to establish boundaries, I did that too.
For example, I made it clear that if my husband raised his voice at me, I would walk away from the conversation. Healthy boundaries are important, but you cannot establish them if you do not know who you are. You need to understand what you can accept and what you cannot — otherwise those boundaries will not stand when tested.
That is why Wells and Encounters was the most difficult book for me to write. It tells my story in a different way, but it is ultimately a story of hope and empowerment.
I want women to know they are not defined by what they have been through. Their circumstances do not determine their identity. God has created them for more, and if they follow His leading, they can find strength even in difficult seasons.
One thing that brings me great peace is that throughout everything I went through, I never insulted my husband, never raised my voice at him and never called him names. That was one of the first things he said to me: “Babe, you didn’t even insult me. You didn’t call me names. You didn’t abuse me.”
For me, that was a reflection of my relationship with God. You cannot claim to know God and live by completely different principles. If you believe in Him, you must strive to live according to His teachings.
If someone read all six books in one weekend, what pattern do you hope they would notice that reviewers may have missed?
I intentionally structured the books so that they speak to one another. Each leaves a conversation unfinished, and the next one continues it.
The first two focus on identity. The Mirror is about reflecting on yourself before choosing someone else — understanding who you are before entering a relationship. The second, The Meaningful Choosing: Blueprint of Purposeful Union, builds on that foundation by exploring how identity shapes the choices we make in relationships. Those two books are primarily for singles.
The second pair is about purpose. It Was Always There: Uncover Your Purpose as Seen From the Start helps readers discover the purpose God has placed within them. A Parent’s Guide to Helping Your Child Uncover Their Purpose extends that conversation by showing parents how to recognise and nurture purpose in their children.
The third pair centres on healing. Wells and Encounters tells my story, while the Wells and Encounters Devotional is designed to help women change the narrative of their own lives.
The devotional explores issues such as respect, love and submission, explaining what they are — and what they are not — from a biblical perspective. I wanted women to understand, for example, that submission does not mean tolerating abuse or accepting mistreatment. God does not call anyone to remain in a situation that destroys them.
I have known women who have died as a result of abuse. Others have lost pregnancies or lived with depression because of it. You cannot believe that something destroying your life is God’s will simply because culture tells you so.
For me, one of the biggest challenges is the way culture and tradition are often confused with biblical truth. As I have grown in my faith, I have realised traditions that may have worked for previous generations do not necessarily have to define our lives today.
What mattered when I was immature is no longer enough now that I have grown in wisdom. The foundation must always be God’s word. Once you know God for yourself, understand His word and live by biblical principles, every other area of your life begins to fall into place.
What is the one question you have been trying to answer across all six books, even if you did not realise it at the beginning?
The one question I have been trying to answer is this: who are you, beyond the labels your experiences have given you?
That matters because, after difficult experiences, many people begin to define themselves by the names they have been given. They call themselves the divorced woman, the separated woman, the rejected one, the neglected one or the unloved one. Over time, they accept those labels as their identity.
When that happens, the role people assign to you becomes who you believe you are.
I particularly want to address that for women because, in many cases, religion has failed them. Sometimes, when women seek help because they are being abused, they are simply told that marriage is “for better, for worse.”
But who says that? The Bible also provides circumstances under which people can walk away from a marriage. It says that if an unbelieving spouse leaves, you should let the person go, and you are free. Adultery is also recognised in Scripture. While many people choose to remain in difficult marriages because of their personal convictions and calling before God, that should never be confused with accepting abuse.
God does not call anyone to remain in a situation where they are being destroyed. Abuse is never acceptable. God will not place you in a home where your life is at risk and expect you to endure it in the name of submission.
Submission itself has an order: a wife submits to her husband, the husband submits to Christ, and Christ submits to God. If a husband is not submitting to Christ, that order has already been broken.
That is why I encourage women to seek help. Too often, we try to maintain appearances. We want people to think our marriages are perfect, but no marriage is. The sooner we accept that, the better.
Every marriage has challenges — even pastors have disagreements and conflicts in their homes. The issue is not whether conflict exists, but how you handle it.
If couples can agree on healthy ways to resolve disagreements — when to talk, how to communicate and how to respond during difficult moments — they will be much better equipped to manage conflict constructively.
What was the moment that moved you the most during the book launch?
I did not go into that room expecting to cry. I arrived as an author, prepared to present my work. The books were written, my speech was ready, and everything had been carefully planned. I thought I was in control of my emotions.
Then the room filled up – not just with people, but with people who were engaged, curious and genuinely hungry for the conversation. They asked thoughtful questions, leaned in and wanted to know more. I had hoped for that, but had never fully allowed myself to believe it would happen. Seeing that level of interest was the first moment that touched me deeply.
But what completely overwhelmed me was my husband.
When he stood up to speak, I was not prepared for what he said. He spoke about who I am to him, what this work has meant in his own life, and what he believes these books will do for other people. He affirmed me not as a professional or a public figure, but as his wife.
I was not expecting to be seen so deeply by the person who knows me best.
Then my children sang Boyz II Men’s “Mama” beautifully for me.
At that moment, everything became personal. I have written six books about identity, purpose and relationships – about what it means to be known, chosen and loved. Yet, in that room, I realised I was living the very message I had written about.
I did not plan to cry, but some moments simply do not ask for your permission.
At what point did you feel God’s presence most strongly?
I have said many times that God gave me the vision, sustained the process and brought it to completion. However, saying those words is very different from standing in the middle of the fulfillment. When the books were unveiled on the screen, I found myself praising God before I had even consciously decided to do so. It came naturally because, in that moment, I understood something much more deeply.
God did not simply help me write these books — He was first writing something in me, and the books became evidence of that work.
I also remembered something I had written back in 2012. At the time, I declared I would one day become a columnist for a national newspaper. Whether it was a prayer, a declaration or simply a hope, I cannot say. But on the screen that day, during my book launch, my Guardian newspaper column appeared for everyone to see.
I stood there thinking: He remembered. He preserved that dream. He fulfilled it, and He made sure I witnessed its fulfillment. To me, that was not coincidence — it was a reminder that God is deeply personal.
The moment I felt His presence most tangibly, however, was when Apostle Isi Igenegba prayed over my husband and me, and asked everyone in the room to stretch out their hands towards us.
I felt God’s presence in that room – not as an abstract idea or an emotion I am trying to describe, but as something real. I sensed it in the prayers, in the hands stretched towards us, and in the weight of that moment. God had shown me this day long before it arrived. Then, when it finally came, He allowed me to be fully present for every part of it.
