Nuggets from the Saans’ 33-year union: Keep your marriage issues from family, friends

 

Mr Michael Saan, a retired civil servant and his wife, Mrs Theresa Saan, a teacher, have been married for 33 years. The marriage is blessed with four children – three male boys and a female. In this interview with SCHOLASTICA ONYEKA, the couple shared the secrets of a long lasting and happy marriage. They also gave some advice to young couples and intending youngsters.

Where and how did you meet your spouse?

Mr Michael: I met my wife in Port Harcourt when I was working with Customs and Excise, in 1985

Mrs Theresa: He met me in 1985 in Port Harcourt. I was on my way to my friend’s house, late Maria Jimjaja, my classmate. I just finished secondary school then and he was already on transfer to Ondo State and had come to pack his things from Port Harcourt. So he was about driving out from the Customs Barracks when he saw me. So he stopped and asked where I was going to. I told him my friend was sick and I was going to see her. He said he would take me there. He took me there, waited outside for me and then took me home.

 

I was a young lady then. He dropped me a street before my own street. But before then, I had pointed out our house to him.

He left for Ondo State the next day with a promise to come back and see me. There was no phone then so we couldn’t communicate, but after three months, he came back. There was no way to see me so he kept passing in front of my house. I described my younger brothers to him so he could ask after me when he saw them. I told him he could not come to my gate let alone the house. That was how we reconnected again.

How did you propose to her?

Mr Michael: When I saw her that day, I fell in love with her but I didn’t propose to her that day. I went back to Ondo State and the love continued to increase and there was no more going back. I kept coming to see her and one day I told her that I liked her and she should marry me.

What did you say when he proposed?

Mrs Theresa: He told me he didn’t want to talk to another woman again but I was not really ready for marriage then. I was about 20 years. I told him I was not ready but he said because I had met him, I should be ready, that he wanted to marry me, that he had seen the qualities of a woman he wanted. So I told him to give me some time to think about it. It actually took me some time because he was ready and when I saw he was serious and saw his perseverance, I agreed. But it was very difficult to tell my parents because my elder sister was not married then.

Was there any opposition from your relatives or friends?

Mrs Theresa: Yes. When I finally told my mum that someone was coming to marry me and he is from Benue, she said it would never happen. She said no, that he was a Hausa man and even when I explained, she said whether from Benue or not, they were all Hausa, and that I would not marry him. They told me to tell him. So when I told him, it was a big problem. He kept saying he would knock at my father’s door and he wouldn’t be waiting anymore. My father also said no, though not so strongly. But my mum was vehement. I still remember when my mum would wake me up in the middle of the night and say, “I said no! You can’t marry that man. Tell him never to come looking for you.”

At what point did they agree?

Mrs Theresa: Well, I told him not to come to the house again to look for me because I didn’t want my parents to embarrass him. But if something is God’s will, then it will be. So, he would go, but after some months, he would still come back. He kept telling me that he had seen what he wanted and he was convinced I’m his wife. Most times, he would come and I wouldn’t be around but he would go and see my elder sister. He would wait but I wouldn’t show up. He would stay and talk to my sister and whatever he brought for me, he would give to my sister to keep for me.

I remember that it was my grandmother that saved the situation. After my grandmother spoke to my mother, she calmed down.

She told my mum that something kept telling her that their own time was over and that people could marry anywhere. She told her that since that man actually wanted to marry me and I liked him, she should allow me to marry him. That she felt no bad thing would come from it.

My father didn’t say much because he didn’t want to have problems with my mother. Even though he said no, he just asked me some questions and left it at that. He didn’t want my mother to accuse him of being the one supporting and persuading me to go ahead. But after my grandmother sent a message to her, that solved the problems.

Sir, did anyone from your own family object to the marriage?

Mr Michael:  On my side, there was no objection. My father was old and wanted a wife. So when I told them I wanted to marry and I had seen a wife, they were happy. They gladly accompanied me to pay her bride price.

What made you go for your wife?

Mr Saan: For me, it was love at first sight. As soon as I saw her that day, I fell in love with her and with my past experience of disappointment, I didn’t waste time to ask her to marry me. Port Harcourt was booming with girls. There was money but I didn’t see my own choice. But on meeting her, I knew that it was God who made the arrangement for us to meet. So I told myself that this is my last bus stop and I stopped making any arrangement anywhere again. I put all my mind and focused on her because I liked everything about her when I saw her.

Were there other suitors back then? If yes, what qualities made you choose him above other eligible bachelors?

Mrs Theresa: I had other suitors; one from my village but I said no because he was already married before and my uncle introduced me to him. He asked him to marry me, that I’m a good girl. But I said no because I didn’t know him and I couldn’t marry someone I didn’t know.  There was another young man who came but he was from Kalabari, but I said no. Then I was not ready for marriage because the meaning of marriage was not very clear to me. But when I saw that he was serious and marriage was coming, I had to make up my mind. But I prayed over it even as a small girl then. When one of our aunties took us for a church programme at Fr Ede prayer ground, I dropped it as a prayer request. It was after that prayer that my grandmother intervened and gave that advice. What made me really agree to marry him was that I found out that he is a very patient person and that brought me closer to him.

What do you remember most about your wedding?

Mr Michael: I remember how my people followed me. For instance, my father had died then and my elder sister’s husband, who I grew up under, stood in his place and accompanied me, and my brother from Abuja also came. We took some Tiv people in Port Harcourt to go with us. That day I was so, so happy because after all the stress, the marriage was holding and I felt I had won a lottery.

Mrs Theresa: My traditional marriage was a memorable occasion. Imagine after all the refusal and it came to be. I was very happy. And our church wedding was in July, 2016, after I had had all my children. It was also one of the happiest days of our married life.

Could you remember your first misunderstanding after marriage? How did you handle it?

Mr Michael: Hmmmm… I can’t remember but we never invited any third party to settle issues between us. We settle our quarrels by ourselves.

Mrs Theresa: I can’t really remember the first quarrel or misunderstanding but what I remember is that we never have any open quarrel or fight. Whenever we have issues, we settle them between us. We have never had any issues that we had to invite relatives, friends or neighbours to settle for us.  We settle our differences between us and even people outside would not know we had a quarrel. I remember one lady that worked in my husband’s office in Ondo State. We had just one child then and one day, I followed the lady out to the market. When my husband came back and knew I had gone out with the woman, he got really angry and was talking and talking but I didn’t say anything, I didn’t respond. He actually spoke to me a lot and told me why he didn’t want the lady to be close to me. But since I didn’t respond, there were no issues. Most of the time, I found out that if I’m hurt and I talk too much and I quarrel with him seriously, he will not respond as well. That is how we have been living. At other times he will just walk away without saying anything and when he is angry too and he’s talking, I won’t say a word.

What’s your husband’s favourite food?

Mrs Theresa: He likes rice a lot and if you give him any swallow, he will eat.

What do you like most about him?

Mrs Theresa: I like his tolerance. I remember one day I told him that I had seen that tolerance can keep a marriage. We all have lapses but I told him that if he can tolerate all these my lapses, then he is a good man and I know a lot of things he does that I don’t like that I will tolerate them since he can tolerate mine.

What do you like most about your wife?

Mr Michael: You know women like going to meet their friends to talk about their family and husband. They carry everything about their home to go spread outside, especially to their family. Such things, I didn’t see her do them. None of our secret is out to the public, not even to her family members. Whether it was bad or good, we swallow it like that. No one will know. I love her even more for that.

In what areas would you like to see some improvement?

Mr Michael: Nothing really. What I want is for her to complete her school and get her Masters Degree. She has started and she shouldn’t leave it halfway.

Mrs Theresa: Yes, he is worried because I told him that I might not be able to go on with it. For him, what I want him to improve on is when I want him to speak on something, he will not talk. I keep on telling him I don’t like it. Especially on family matters, I want him to be more explanatory and talk on those issues I complain about. I want him to talk more than he is doing.

What’s the secret to your long, happy marriage?

Mrs Theresa: One thing that has been holding our marriage is that my family doesn’t know much about our marriage and its lapses, not telling family and friends about our problems because they might give you an advice that will not be good for you. Trying to settle thing within us has helped in keeping us together.

What advice do you have for a young bachelor who intends to marry?

Mr Michael: They should go before God, because if you hear the word of God and do as He commanded, the Bible will encourage you and everything will be settled. If you base your choice on worldly things, you will make a mistake. But both of you should seek God’s face concerning the marriage.

What advice do you have for a spinster who intends to marry?

Mrs Theresa: Take your request to God in prayers and he will answer your prayers. And for those in marriage, show love and respect for each other. Then choose your friends wisely because when you are relating with some people and they discover that there is no day that you tell them that you fought with your husband or he beat you, some of them will be looking for how you will have problems. Also keep your family issues secret. It should not be for public discussion.

I had a friend who came one day and asked me if my husband was back from patrol and I said no and she told me she saw my husband and he just passed with a lady and that she was greeting me and I didn’t hear and when she looked at the lady very well, she discovered I was not the one. She got up and said she just came to tell me. So I said okay. When he came much later, I asked him if they didn’t close patrol on time and what happened? I also asked him if he went to that part of the town where she said she saw him. He told me he came into town in the afternoon but he had to carry that lady, (the woman she talked about) and took her somewhere and when he went there he stay back with some officers. But I didn’t tell him what transpired between me and that woman. So this is to tell you that someone outside can come and destroy your home. So, we need to be careful not to listen to gossips from outsiders.

Ladies should not be too selective. When someone approaches you, pray about it and be careful not to be too selective. But while choosing, she shouldn’t be too selective because that can deter the marriage. God speaks to us. When you pray, God will answer and you will make the right choice.

What advice would you give to newly married couples on how to make their marriage last as long as yours?

Mrs Theresa: The woman should desist from nagging. She shouldn’t be authoritative and shouldn’t make too many demands and wanting to know everything. She should rather focus her energy and attention on making her home a happy place. There should be no room for violence in the home. The woman should care for her husband and not hurt him with words or deny him food or his rights and the man should not beat his wife. Love should lead between them.

 I told him one thing before he married me. I told him that one thing I will not take from my husband; a man that will beat me. I have never seen my father beat my mother for one day and I think that is the only thing that will make me leave my husband’s house. I told him that because I had an aunt that the husband used to beat and I was really against that and I told him that is the only thing that will make me leave his house and he asked, what will even make him to beat me? He said he has not seen that thing that will make him do it.

Mr Michael: Too much talk causes problem and when you talk too much, you lie too much and you say something that are hurtful to your partner. So couples should learn not to talk too much. Be quiet and listen more. I wish couples and intending youngsters can learn to talk less, it will help prevent friction in their marriage. Do not listen to gossips. Do not beat your wife because you are stronger than her. Provide for your family, don’t starve them of basic needs that are within your means. Trust and endure each other and your marriage will stand, no matter the storm.