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By Olakunle Olafioye and Okafor Chibuike
Pa Aremu Ogunbiyi has fondest memories about his relatively large family. As a child growing up in a modest family a few decades ago, the dusk, according to him, was always a period to relish as it often provided his family members the opportunity to re-unite after the day’s work. While his mother was busy with the preparation of the meals for the night, that period of the day was always a moment of fun for the children who would often sit around their father to enjoy the moonlight tales.
His mother, according to him, would break in at intervals to chip in some lines or to narrate her own stories.
“Beyond enjoying those tales and learning vital moral lessons, it was also an opportunity for my family members and other children around us to bond and interact in an atmosphere of excitement, fun and love,” 73-year-old Pa Ogunbiyi recalled nostalgically.
Pa Ogunbiyi’s childhood experience in his family contrasts sharply with what goes on in many families nowadays after the close of work.
For example, in an average Nigerian family where almost every member has a smart phone or other electronic gadgets, it is not uncommon to see every member of the family retire to his or her own room alongside their phones after the day’s work.
This new found practice forecloses the opportunity of bonding among family members as every member of the family is engrossed with their phones.
Deborah Ayoola is a young school leaver. A typical evening in her family is marked with everybody clutching his or her phone in their respective rooms.
“Apart from (my) daddy who is always glued to the TV set in the sitting room for the evening news bulletins, every other person is busy with their phones in their rooms and from there sleeps off,” she said.
Not a few people are of the opinion that this practice poses a major threat to bonding in the family.
Pastor Kenneth Omoike noted that a situation where every member of the family was comfortable ‘pressing’ their smart phones when at home without paying attention to the feelings of others, including their spouses and children did not bode well for the wellbeing of the family as a unit as it is capable of impacting negatively on the unity and oneness of the family.
“This is one aspect of modern technology that continues to threaten the family’s role as an agent of socialization. In the past, before the proliferation of these gadgets such as radio, television and lately mobile phones, bonding among family members was almost a daily affair.
“In my own family, for example, in those days, the periods after the dinners and weekends were periods we always looked forward to because those were usually the time we had the opportunity to listen to our parents on various issues especially those that were beyond us. My parents would also use the opportunity to engage us on issues bordering on our education.
“But with the intrusion of varieties of technological gadgets, family members rarely have such an opportunity to bond as most people now find it more comfortable playing with their phones than relating with members of their family in their leisure time,” he said.
A marriage counsellor, Mrs Kezia Ogegbo opined that family bonding is crucial in preserving social values and in raising productive members of society.
She likened bonding to planting the seeds of good behaviour among children, noting that this helps them imbibe values they will carry with them as they grow older.
Speaking on the importance of bonding in the family, Mrs Ogegbo said that bonding encourages communication among members of the same family, adding that “families that spend time together foster an atmosphere of communication where everyone can feel safe to express their thoughts and feelings.
“Having open and caring conversations without judgment encourages children to share their voice and be honest about how they feel. This enables families to address and resolve issues more easily because things are talked about and discussed, instead of suppressed and ignored.
“Children and spouses who are able to talk about what bothers them and being listened to with care also tend to have a better mental and emotional wellbeing.”
Other benefits of bonding, according to her, include the fact that it serves as a buffer against emotional baggage; improvement of the relationship among family members.
“More importantly for children, family bonding helps in improving children’s academic performance, it boosts their self-confidence and helps them in cultivating good relationships. Spending time together, sharing stories, and doing fun activities as a family teach children the value of building good relationships with people in their lives. Children tend to adapt to these behaviours of nurturing relationships and so they become more open and eager to create meaningful connections with others as they grow.
“They develop values like kindness, empathy, and generosity and become good at making friends. Children who grow up in a well-bonded family find it easier to interact with others and develop social skills,” she said.
Not many, however, see the possession of these new modern gadgets by every member of a family and creating time to use them in isolation as a major issue. Some believe that the trend is an indication of the evolution which the society constantly undergoes.
An Information and Communication Technology expert, Mr Michael Omachi, said that the dynamic nature of the society requires that man moves from the unsophisticated method of doing things to more sophisticated methods.
“The society will continue to improve over and over again because man is relentlessly in search for better approaches to solving his numerous problems.
“I do not believe that these modern gadgets deprive members of the family from bonding together. Rather they even help, to a very large extent, to facilitate bonding. For example, the fact that people and family members can connect to have meetings and interactions via their smart phones without having to be at the same spot even helps to boost the intimacy among members of the family.
“Few weeks ago, I travelled to the village to see my grandparents and with my smart phone I was able to facilitate an interaction between them and my uncle who is in the UK. Without the smart phone do you think such interaction would have been possible? No. Closely knitted families will continue to find ways of bonding with or without modern gadgets,” Mr Omachi noted.
For Mrs Jemilat Idowu, a nurse, there should be no specific time for bonding in the family.
Every family, she said, must have specific activities that bring them together as members of the same family.
“It could be dinner time, it could be after the family daily prayer session and for husband and wife it could be bed time or when they wake up in the morning especially on weekends when they are not going to work.
“Family members can still have uninterrupted interactions with one another and share their concerns and views about issues affecting each and every one of them during these periods regardless of what they choose to do at any other time,” she said.
Pastor Alfred Onje wants parents to regulate the use of mobile phones in their homes if they want the best for their families.
“The proliferation of smart phones and other gadgets is one issue that parents must pay attention to if they want the best for their children and for themselves.
“These devices have come to stay in spite of their negative sides, including the obvious impact on the relationship among family members. All we can do is to reduce these negative impacts of our exposure to these gadgets. To me, I see this to be more of the responsibility of the parents. Fathers and mothers must ensure they lead by example. There is no way the parents can enforce discipline as regards the way their children use their phones if they themselves are not disciplined with the use of their phones.
“These days you see people, adults for that matter, browsing their phones during church programmes. If people can be so engrossed with their phones during church service you can imagine what they do at home when they are free. So, parents must lead by example. If we can limit our use of phones when we are with our family members, we will have enough time to attend to issues that concern our families,” he declared.
Also, Mr Daniel Unigwe urged Nigerians not to deprive their family members of the benefits of bonding as a result of their busy schedules and passion.
He urged them to always create time for their family members to be together.
“I still spend time with my children by taking them out. I play games with my son. My son loves watching football so we normally watch it together. And occasionally, we go out together because I understand the importance of being around my family,” he said.
