Dear njigirl,
my wife and I have 6 kids between us. The two youngest ones we have together are nine and 11 years. My wife works all the time and has no time for the children, herself or me. She has left the care of the two young children solely to me because she is tired all the time.
I get them ready for school before leaving for my own job. When I leave work I have to rush to do homework even though she is home from the first job. Her complaint is always the same about being tired. With all the money she makes, I still take care of all the bills. Recently, I forced her to pay the $40 electric bill and she allowed it to lapse and for two nights we did not have electricity in the home. All the food got bad and the kids had nightmares. I still ended up paying before the electric company could restore the power.
I do not have a life at all. I babysit, do laundry, cook, take care of kids and still hold down a job. The worst is that I do not even have sex because, you guessed it: she is tired.
I have had enough and want to move out but I am scared about what will happen to my kids. Njigirl, what should I do? Please help me.
ν Tony
Dear Tony
My heart goes out to you. But not because you are contributing to the chores at home but because your wife has completely reversed the traditional roles without giving anything back in return. Typically when a woman becomes the “man”, it is because she is earning more and the man is not. The woman then takes up working and becoming the breadwinner while the man takes care of the children. In this type of home setting, the man cooks, cleans and baby sits while the woman brings in the “cookies.” There is mutual respect because the arrangement is agreed upon and each person lives up to his or her role without any type of conflict or resentment.
In your case, it looks like you are being cheated all around. I wonder why she treats you this way. What does she do with the money she earns from doing two jobs? I am surprised she deprives you of your manhood every given way and feels no remorse. Your children are lucky to have you but what will happen to them when you leave? Your wife may still not help with their homework and then they will risk failing in school and you do not want that.
This is what I suggest for your sanity, emotional wellbeing and simple healthy living.
Start first in your children’s school by requesting enrollment in the “After school” program. Depending on where you live plus your income, you may have to pay a little co-payment. Once they are accepted, you can rest assured that their educational needs are met. Mind you, you still have a responsibility as a parent to check their progress in school. So the “after school” does not get you off Scot-free.
Next, look into hiring a live-in nanny that will take care of the kids, cook and clean. You may think this service is unaffordable but that is not necessarily the case. There are agencies that provide this service for as little as $500 per month. You can choose an agency that is culturally diverse so that the nanny will be someone who speaks your language and understands your culture. Also make sure that the agency runs a criminal check on their employees so that you are sure that the children will be safe. You can get a list of some of these agencies through your state Department of Children or social services.
Then set-up direct pay with the merchant services that service your home. You can do this through your bank. You can also enroll in direct deposit from your employer, which most banks will use as a buffer to clear your checks even if you don’t have the money in your account. Banks offering this type of service to customers will typically honor bill payments that are set on automatic deductions.
Next, sit down with your wife and let her know that you expect her financial contribution to the home. Set a reasonable amount understanding that you are still the head of household. This means that you do not expect her to contribute more.
Then encourage her to go to the gym, hairdresser, beautician etc. Let her know that you remember how beautiful she looked prior to now and that you still want her to look great. Assure her that she is beautiful and that you still love her (I hope that you still do). Also encourage her to go for her routine medical check-up. This important visit can rule-out any type of disease (physical or mental that might be lurking somewhere.
With the nanny cleaning and cooking, children’s homework done, you will be happier and perhaps she will notice the improvements you have made and just might have the strength for intimacy. Give it another try before quitting.
ν Dr. NJ