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Mr. Edwin Obioranusi of Ire-ndiuno Ogidi, Idemili North Local Government area of Anambra state and his wife, Mrs. Ukamaka Obioranusi of Uru Umuanugwo Ogidi have enjoyed their union for 34 years.
In this encounter with GEOFFREY ANYANWU in Enugu, the couple, whose union is blessed with five children, recalled their journey together.
When and how did you meet each other?
Mr. Edwin: I still remembered 1982 was the first time we met at Ngwo Park. I think I was playing ball and she was going to Christ Church. She urged me to go to church, that I must follow her to Christ Church. Then I was living with my uncle, I found it difficult because I was rooted in football then. I wasn’t going to church because I played on Sundays and Saturdays. I knew her before then, but not on a serious note. I knew her from the village. She was then my younger sister’s friend. I knew her then as a little kid of about eight years. She came to Enugu before me. She was living with her brother at Awkuzu and schooling at Uwani Secondary School. The time I met her I was living with my uncle at Boardman Uwani before I moved to Achara Layout. We used to see one each other during training at the campus, Enugu temporary stadium. Then the main stadium was still under construction. She would come for her training and I would come for my Saturday, Sunday football. As my village sister, as my town person, we started talking. For me to see her was like going to the lion’s den, because her brother would not allow me to see her. All the same, we managed to see each other, cordial relationship. One thing led to the other and we started knowing each other fully. She was so rooted in the church that sometimes she would force me to go to church and I started trying at Emmanuel Anglican Church Achara Layout. From there, she pushed me into the youth wing of the church. So I started enjoying the church service and activities.
Madam Ukamaka: I had travelled home and saw his younger sister who is my friend, and his mother gave me corn to give to him. She gave me his address and I traced him to the address. We started seeing each other until October 22, 1982 when he first engaged me in his house. Then we continued. In 1984, he came knocking at the door, but my elder brother refused. He said he wanted somebody that was rich and had a car and so on. So that made us to date for six good years before we officially got married. He has told you how we normally meet at the temporary stadium because I was an athlete. Even when I was at the University of Ibadan, he would come to visit me with a lot of things. We continued like that until we got married.
At what point did you decide to marry and how was the proposal made and received?
Mr. Edwin: The first time I visited her, I bought some provisions. I didn’t tell anyone that I would marry her then. But the mother called me Obi and said, please take care of my daughter. That word, I got home and told my father and he asked me, are you ready to marry? I said yes because I had told myself that once I reached the age of 30 I must marry. He said he would give me two assignments. He said I should go and buy a pig, that if I could train a pig, I could stay with any woman. The second assignment, I should go back to the mother and look at her face for two hours. So after doing that, my father told me that as the mother’s face was, that is how your wife’s face will be when she is getting old, that I shouldn’t think that any woman will remain young forever. He said no matter how you wash the pig, it must dirty its body so you must endure. So we got engaged. She continued with her sports while I continued with my work because I worked with Ministry of Lands and Survey then.
Madam Ukamaka: He did not make any pronouncement but all he said was that he would take care of me. At the time, my brother’s wife didn’t normally keep food for me. So in the morning, he would cook and drop the key to his place for me. Later he made duplicate keys. So whenever I came back from sports in the morning, I would take my bath, go to his house, eat and sleep, and wait till evening for another sports training. That was how we continued. But he did not pronounce until the day of engagement. He never told me for one day that he would marry me. I was not aware of the engagement plan. I just visited but he had already planned it with his friends. So when I came, then he was living in a single room. He had one red chair, fridge and bed. I sat on bed and the other people were sitting on the seat. He gave a sign, and they brought out soft drinks and malt from the fridge and kept them on the centre table. And he knelt down and said, will you marry me? I said yes because when you see where there is light, you know there is light. With me, I have a brighter future with him then than the people my brother was bringing to me.
How did both families receive your decision to marry? Were there challenges?
Mr. Edwin: So many challenges. The day after the engagement, I went with my footballer friends to where the elder brother lived at Awkuzu with a carton of beer and malt. The guy said well, the drink will not return to its source, but that whatever we came to do was not possible. He collected the drinks and pushed us out, that I should stop wasting my time. But something happened. The day we brought the father from the village to Enugu, for he was alone in the village after the death of my mother-in-law, and to St. Hilders Hospital, Enugu in 1983, I moved from office to the hospital to see the man. He held my hand and murmured something and what he said means do not allow my daughter to suffer or be humiliated. The man died on October 23, 1983 because the wife died in August 23, 1983. So because of that, I continued pushing but the elder brother refused. The man would even pour water on me whenever he saw me with the sister. When the father died and even when the mother died, the brother would send me to buy cartons of beer without giving me money. Despite all that, he still refused that I should marry his sister. But the elder sister and the husband were solidly behind us, encouraging us. He later succumbed and accepted me because of the forces from the elder sister and husband. The day we went for the payment of the bride price, I came with my kinsmen in 1988. He insisted that the dowry was N5, 000. My salary then was just above N200. Then the elder sister’s husband told him that even if the dowry was N1 million, he would pay it. So he reluctantly went back and say okay we should bring whatever we have. So that’s how we succeeded.
Madam Ukamaka: I took things easy, waiting for God, because at least at that time I knew God a little. So I was waiting. I would go to my elder sister’s husband and complain to him and my sister and they’ll say calm down. That was why it lingered for six years before we got married. So when they came in that 1988, they gave my brother an ultimatum that if he did not collect the dowry, they would collect it and give us permission to get married. They said, why shouldn’t he allow us to get married? He said because his sister had gone to higher institutions and had represented Nigeria in many places, I had travelled overseas and because of it I am not supposed to marry somebody that has not gotten this or that. And I said is it you that is marrying? It was not easy. Even the day we were doing the wine-carrying, I saw hell because he and his wife refused to help me. I had to do all that myself and arrange for the cooking. I got sick immediately after the wine carrying because of the hectic work I did.
Looking back these 34 years, how will you evaluate your marriage?
Mr. Edwin: I have to thank God because I started with suffering. I came to this Enugu in 1970, staying with my uncle, struggling till I got my wife. And sincerely, I am so happy I have her. When we started, it was rough, it was very difficult to cope at the initial stage but all things being equal, God really blessed me despite all the challenges. When I married her, I had nothing. Then she was working with the Railways and Railways owed them almost nine months salary. I resigned from the ministry that same year, 1988 and was doing nothing. She would buy oranges and pawpaw from New Market, I would start to peal oranges. We planned our wedding ourselves; nobody gave us any money. We did our wedding at Emmanuel Church, and the wedding was above average.
Madam Ukamaka: On my wedding day, I was more than happy leaving my brother who had chained me for many years. I was overjoyed that day. That was my happiest day. I came from my husband’s place though, but I was happy that finally I am fully his that day. There was a little challenge because the cake woman was bereaved on the eve of the wedding, so she came very late and we were worried. But as God would have it he came and we cut our cake. Our reception was at the Peoples Club Achara Layout.
What was the attraction for both of you?
Madam Ukamaka: He might have a bald head now, but this man is very handsome. That time he had very good hair, he normally combs his hair with hot comb and he is neat to the core. He dresses very fine. He doesn’t wear one dress twice. He dresses corporately to work. His shoes, I normally call him policeman because he brushes his shoes with original polish. He is somebody that can understand your countenance. He reads people’s countenance easily and once he is worried about your countenance, he doesn’t feel easy until you’re able to share your problem with him. Like when my brother was maltreating me with the wife, he decided to give me one of his keys so that even if they didn’t give me food, I could eat in his house. And the days I would go to work, he would come and wait for me. We would take the same taxi, very neat taxi and he would first drop me before going to his office. During break, he would buy something from Kingsway and then bring it to my office.
Mr. Edwin: I don’t know, she is just smart, just smart, because that time any time I saw her, I would be so excited. So if I wanted to go and see her, I would always feel excited.
Cases of divorce in Nigeria are now alarming, what do you think is responsible?
Mr. Edwin: Lack of patience is number one. Number two is social media marriage, and I’ll explain it. If you want to marry, you must be mature, not mature by size but by mind and that maturity comprises endurance and acceptance. One, you have to endure the person you are bringing as your wife. Now people will see another people’s marriage on social media and say I want mine to be like this. Some of them will be discussing their husbands. My husband bought me an SUV, my husband bought a house, my husband took me to Dubai. Then you want your husband who is struggling to survive to do the same with those ones most of who are Yahoo Boys. In marriage you must accept your partner the way they are and that is why it is necessary to have courtship. In courtship you learn each other and know the dos and don’ts of each other. Some people are born with anger, you need to manage that anger with the man, not when the man gets up you get up, if he gets up with annoyance you cool down.
Another thing that causes divorce is expectation, when what they expected they would get from the marriage is not forthcoming trouble comes. Maybe the man started with fake promises or the woman with her own fake promises. Most of our young people find it difficult to apologise when they are wrong. Also, some parents cause it when they force their children to go and marry because of one reason or the other.
Madam Ukamaka: What I know is that there is no stage of marriage you will say is perfect. Every marriage is unique in its own way. It’s not the way I see or take my husband that another woman will see and take hers. Like my husband said, we need perseverance, we need patience, we need communication, we need understanding. Why I say communication is that not everything you will swallow up you have to air your view so that the opposite sex will know what is wrong. As a woman you have to read the countenance of your husband to know when it is appropriate to talk to him. In a marriage, a man can be a woman spiritually while a woman can be a man spiritually. It is important to accommodate each other. But the most important is that God has said the man is the head of the family, so whether you are the breadwinner, or the head or whatever, please be submissive to your husband. Not because you are the breadwinner that your husband should be trash.
What will be your advice to bachelors and spinsters that want to get into marriage?
Mr. Edwin: My advice is that you have to have a mature mind. Don’t compare yourself with another person. And if you want to go into marriage, don’t borrow. If you have one naira, if you have two naira, plan based on what you have. Don’t ever fake your life, be you man or woman. Have a quiet moment with your partner; ask him or her, what do you like in life? Who are you? Because some of them don’t ask questions. Take the man out – not on top of the bed. Ask him, who are you, what are your future, what are we driving at? Have a serious discussion, know their likes and dislikes. Before you marry, try to be mature to accept the other person. And whatever that may come out on the way, don’t carry your problems to your parents.
Madam Ukamaka: Well, some of the young people jump into marriage without knowing exactly what it is all about. They have to study each other to know their dos and don’ts. Secondly, know that two of you are from two parallel lines, your upbringings are not the same. So, give room for accommodation no matter what the problem is. The next is when you get married, leave your mum and dad; you two should solve your problem together. We women should hold our tongue, when the man is talking, allow him to finish, digest the words before you can answer. So all I am advising I,s know who you are, humble yourself and whatever high level you are, know that the man is the head of the family. Be submissive. Then the man will love the wife.
What do you love most in your partner?
Mr. Edwin: Many things. I love her. Nothing special, because I don’t have any specific reason loving her. If I have any reason for loving her, it then means if the reason vanishes, there will be no more love for her again. However, she knows how to keep my money.
Madam Ukamaka: From the onset, I’ve loved him. He is a neat and honest man. Once he tells you I don’t like this, he doesn’t like it and please go out from that place, he doesn’t like it. He is an honest man. I love him being who he is.
