Improving a paragraph

When you have completed a first draft of your paragraph, you are ready to turn your attention to ways of improving it. Good paragraphs have unity and continuity. I emphasized this in a previous article. This article builds on that one and is designed to help you polish what you have written so that your final paragraph displays these qualities – unity and continuity.

A good paragraph focuses on one topic only – the topic set forth in the topic sentence. Each supporting detail relates directly to the topic sentence, and there are no details that do not support the main idea stated in this sentence.

When a paragraph contains details that are not directly related to the topic sentence, it is usually a sign that the writer began writing before he had his topic clearly in focus. But irrelevant details can creep into a paragraph even when you think you have a clear understanding of what you want to say. To illustrate, read the following paragraph:

‘I have a dear old aunt who nearly drives me wild with her constant repetition of wise and old sayings. Another thing that bothers me is that my aunt never seems to listen to what I have to say. If I come in the house whistling a melody that’s been running through my head, she intones, “A whistling girl and a cackling hen always come to no good end.” When I pass up the apple slices with the cheese after dinner, she admonishes, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” Sometimes, when I skip a meal, I’ll raid the refrigerator for a late-night snack. My aunt is never without a well-worn expression for every situation: “A penny saved is a penny earned.” “A stitch in time saves nine.” “Birds of a feather flock together,” and so on. Her all-time favourite is “People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.” Yes, although she means no harm, Auntie’s wise sayings really get on my nerves.’

At first glance, this paragraph appears to be well developed, don’t you agree? It opens with a topic sentence, it closes with a “clincher” sentence that effectively restates the topic, and it is filled with supporting details. But do all the details really support the topic sentence?

One way to check is to list the details in a rough outline and relate them one by one to the topic sentence. A rough outline for this paragraph might look like the following:

If you read the topic sentence and the first detail, then read the topic sentence and the second detail, and so on down the list, you will discover that two of the details – the first one and the fourth one – are not related to the main idea. It is not difficult to understand how either of these details managed to slip into the paragraph. The first one – “my aunt never seems to listen to what I have to say” – probably occurred to the author because she was already concentrating on something else that bothered her about her aunt. The fourth one – “when I skip a meal, I’ll raid the refrigerator” – probably was an afterthought prompted by the reference to “apple slices with the cheese after dinner.” Both details are examples of digressions: they divert attention away from the main idea instead of supporting it.

Because digressions like these are common in even the best paragraphs, it is important to check every detail. Remember, the key to unity is the topic sentence. No matter how interesting a detail might be, if it does not support the main idea in the topic sentence, it does not belong in your paragraph. Know this and know good writing.

How about an exercise for you to try?

Identify and copy the topic sentence in the following paragraph. Then identify and copy any sentences containing details that do ‘not’ support that topic sentence. There is at least one sentence containing irrelevant details. Be prepared to explain your choice.

‘Tae Kwon Do, a traditional Korean martial art that demands rigorous physical effort and concentrated mental discipline, can be both deadly and beautiful. A typical Tae Kwon Do practice session consists of brutal conditioning exercises and graceful body movements. Hundreds of thousands of people, swept up by the current frenzy for physical fitness, are signing up for courses in swimming, handball, badminton, and even table tennis. Under the guidance of trained master instructors, students of Tae Kwon Do learn that there is much more to this martial art than punching, kicking and chopping. They learn that if they want to master this art as a sport, they must develop both acrobatic skills and self-restraint in order not to seriously hurt their friendly opponent. Recent statistics attest to the fact that violent crimes are increasing at an alarming rate. A growing number of sports enthusiasts are discovering that Tae Kwon Do, though potentially deadly, can be a beautiful and harmless leisure-time activity.”

Try this exercise too

The following paragraph outline is composed of a topic sentence and supporting details. For each outline, write the letters of the details that do not relate directly to the main idea expressed in the topic sentence.

So many highway accidents could be prevented with the use of a little common sense.

(a) Always follow the posted speed limits.

(b) Make sure your car is in sage driving condition.

(d) European-made cars get better gas mileage than some American-made cars.

(e) Drive defensively.

(f) Cars are smaller today than they were a few years ago.

(g) Be considerate of other motorists.

(h) Whenever you stop gas, have the attendant check under the hood to see that everything is okay.

You can send your answers to [email protected].