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• Experts warn against unprocessed trauma causing gender war
An ongoing trend is spreading through WhatsApp groups, Telegram channels, Facebook pages, and other social platforms: the rise of organised misogyny and misandry.
These platforms and closed groups with names like “Bro Code Only,” “Kings Without Chains,” and “Classic Women,” have thousands of subscribers and followers, where men and women trade words, reducing each other to stereotypes such as “All women are gold-diggers.” “All men are emotional baggage after 40,” “Lessons on how to deal with women,” and so on.
What began as relationship frustration has hardened into an ideology for men and women. The conversation is all about contempt.
These are loud crusaders who have turned hurt and fear into a movement, which marriage counsellors and psychologists say is affecting how younger sons and daughters see marriage, partnership, and relationship.
Misogyny is the contempt for women or ingrained prejudice against women, while mysandry is the contempt for men or ingrained prejudice against men. Both are forms of gender prejudice.
Chinedu Okoro, 38, a content creator and active member of an online men’s group, advised men to avoid romantic relationships with women aged 40 and above.
Okoro said women in that age bracket “come with excess emotional baggage” and are “difficult to submit” due to past relationship experiences.
He also raised concerns about fertility, stating: “If you marry her at 42 and she cannot give you children, what is the point? A man needs peace.”
Okoro concluded by urging men to “marry young, marry fresh,” arguing that younger women have “fewer relationship stories,” and are less likely to compare their current partners to exes.
Also, Alex Mbalewe , an IT support staff member who claim to be a radical liberator of permissive men, warned men to limit their financial expenditure on women in relationships.
He claimed that women would “collect your money, eat your food, then betray you for the next wealthy man at the slightest opportunity.”
He added: “All women are like that. Today, she loves you because you are buying her iPhone. Tomorrow Dangote’s son appears, and you become history.”
According to Mbalewe, his strategy is to spend the minimum to test her loyalty with little. He said this approach will help men avoid significant financial loss if the relationship ends.
Real estate agent Tunde Akinwale urged men to prioritise marriage to younger women between ages 21 and 26.
Akinwale described this as the blueprint and argued that younger women are easy to submit, have less emotional trauma from past relationships, and have high chances of productive fertility.
He contrasted this with older women, saying: “A 40-year-old woman has lived her life. She wants to lead the home. But a younger wife will respect your headship. That is how our fathers did it, and their marriages lasted.”
In contrast, not everyone agrees with the perceptions. Patricia Gill, Head Teacher at a primary school in Ikoyi, has pushed back against generalisations about women.
Reacting, Gill said: “I read all these ‘all women’ statements, and I shake my head. People should not be judged or condemned because of their gender. Every individual has their unique character and lifestyle traits, which must not be used to measure other people.
“Read health data, and you will see that fertility and marital success depend on health, communication, finances, values, and luck, not just age or gender.”
She cited personal examples to support her view, noting: “My sister married at 43 and has three wonderful children. My brother married a woman seven years older than him, and they have one of the happiest homes in our street. So, this idea of calling women ‘expired’ is unfair.”
Gill also addressed the fertility arguments raised by some men. “And let’s speak truth: men’s sperm quality also declines with age too. Fertility is a two-way issue, not a woman’s problem alone. Let us stop reducing human beings to age and gender tags,” she stated.
She concluded by saying that most men happily marry older women and have peaceful and blessed homes.
While the discussions in these male-dominated groups are focused on perceived flaws in women, similar conversations exist in female-dominated online spaces.
Some women also use absolute language to express distrust toward men, citing personal hurt and frustrations.
Nkechi Bianze, a resilient Nigerian feminist, weighed in on the conversation, arguing that modern dating dynamics have shifted the power balance in ways many men refuse to accept.
She said the backlash against independent women shows how deeply some men tie their self-worth to being chosen, pursued, and financially needed.
According to her, social media has only made this worse by giving men a loud space to vent frustration whenever a woman rejects their relationship proposals, sets standards, or walks away because they claim to be a prize that should be won by women.
“These male creatures believe they are the prize, so whenever a woman rejects them, they lose their minds. Why would a beautiful young woman agree to get yoked with a miserable single father?
“Ladies, except he is a generous billionaire, and/or you are a single mother, there’s no reason you should accept a single father. Single fathers are just looking for free nannies for their children. So, as a woman, make sure he has enough money to foot the bills. Avoid broke single fathers for your own good,” she warned.
Another Nigerian feminist declared that she would rather not vote at all than obtain her Permanent Voter Card to cast a ballot for a man.
According to her, voting for a male candidate is something she refuses to do, arguing that men are responsible for every challenge facing countries around the world. She also claimed that all nations led by women are performing well.
She further stated that if women believe a male candidate would make a country better, they will willingly line up to vote for that person. However, she alleged that men would rather endure inflation, banditry, than vote for a woman simply because they dislike women.
The feminist also claimed that women are always submitting to men even though nature and the animal kingdom are matriarchal. She argued that if a man must lead, he should serve as an assistant and take orders from women.
She also raised the alarm that misogyny has become a widespread outrage in Nigeria and across the world.
Similarly, James Akpor, an advocate for women’s rights, said, “If you see the degrading comments by men on Temi Otedola’s pregnancy video, you’ll be more careful than ever as a woman in your choice of a husband.”
He made the statement while reacting to a Facebook video of the billionaire’s daughter working out rigorously in her pregnancy.
The comments from the men stated that pregnant women faked their cravings and always complained unnecessarily, adding that they use pregnancy as an excuse to be lazy and demanding.
He further warned spinsters to be more intentional about observing how men treat women before marriage.
He said: “All the men who made those nasty comments about pregnant women were poorly raised and have a disoriented perception about women.
“This explains why the divorce rate is high because men still want the marriages their fathers had, but women no longer tolerate what their mothers endured.
“This generation of men want women to be submissive providers. They want a woman who pays the bills, raises the kids, cooks the meals, protects their ego, and still makes them feel like the man of the house.
“Most of men ruined a lot of women who dated genuinely for love. Now, we are stuck with a lot of women who don’t care about men. This patriarchal practice is worrisome because most men and women will find it difficult to get married.”
Sandra Ugo is an advocate against women marrying men aged 40 and above.
She warned that if a man is still single at 40, there’s usually a reason for it that can only be discovered later in the relationship.
Ugo’s take is blunt, but it taps into a concern many women share about “unresolved baggage” of men at age 40.
She explained that by 40, a man’s habits, mindset, and relationship patterns are usually set, adding that if he’s never been married, was never committed long-term, or has repeated breakups, the question becomes: what kept him single?
She said: “You would see the reason you still meet him single at 40. That means the red flags that made other women leave will eventually show up for you, too. At 25, he can hide it. At 40, the pattern is loud, avoidance of commitment, refusal to grow, financial instability, or poor conflict resolution.
“I am not saying every 40-plus man is bad. I’m saying women should be more intentional with vetting. At 40 years, a man should come with clarity: emotional maturity, stable finances, and clear relationship goals. If those are missing, his “single at 40” status is a data point worth paying attention to.”
For many women, especially those who want marriage and kids, dating an unmarried 40-plus man can mean investing years only to discover he still doesn’t want what you want. Don’t be his experiment to figure himself out.
“Of course, there are 40-plus unmarried men who are single due to grief, career focus, or waiting for the right woman. The key thing is discernment. Ladies should ask him harder questions, watch actions over words, and don’t ignore patterns.”
With her strong belief, she is determined to remain single until she finds a responsible man in spite of being 32.
To understand why some men develop dislike for “all women”, and why some women develop dislike for “all men,” Bartholomew Ogeh, Clinical Psychologist at the Kaduna State Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Agency, said.
“Extreme gender hate usually comes from unprocessed pain. When a man is betrayed, abandoned, or humiliated by a woman he trusted deeply, maybe a mother, sister, or partner, the brain can over-generalise as a defence mechanism. It says, ‘If one woman hurt me, all women will hurt me.’ It feels safer to hate the group than to risk being hurt again by an individual. That is called cognitive distortion: ‘all-or-nothing thinking’.
“The same happens in reverse. A woman who faces domestic violence, workplace harassment, or betrayal by men she loved may conclude ‘all men are wicked’. It is the mind trying to create order after chaos. The problem is that this overgeneralization becomes a prison. You stop seeing people. You only see ‘gender’.
“Healing starts when the person can separate the individual from the group. Not every 40-year-old woman is ‘baggage.’ Not every young woman is ‘easy to mould’. Not every man is a betrayer. People are more complex than gender. Therapy helps people tell the story of their pain without turning it into a rule for the whole world.”
For Abayomi Ogunbekun, a medical doctor and public health advocate, unlearning misandry or misogyny after betrayal begins with separating “the person who hurt me” from “the entire gender.”
He explained that pain often pushes the brain to generalise as a form of self-protection, while hurt pushes the brain to generalise for self-protection, adding that healing means retraining it.
According to the doctor, the first step is to name the wound, not the gender. He advised individuals to replace broad statements like “all men are betrayers” or “all women are users” with specific truths such as “I was betrayed by one person I trusted.”
He also stressed the importance of collecting counter-evidence, “Take note of men and women in your life who show integrity, kindness, or loyalty. It could be a father, a mother, an aunt, or a trusted colleague. Misandry and misogyny thrive on selective memory. Healing requires updating your mental database with proof that the opposite gender is not a monolith. Getting angry at a gender is often unprocessed grief in disguise,”
He recommended speaking with a therapist, mentor, or trusted support group to give the pain language, “Once the hurt is validated, you no longer need an ideology to carry it. You can hold one person accountable without condemning half of humanity.”
Ogunbekun concluded that the goal is not to deny past hurt but to refuse to let one person’s actions define billions of innocent people, noting that respect returns when people are judged based on their individual choices and actions, not by their chromosomes.
Sociologists also revealed that economic pressure has made dating more transactional for some and made marriage less intentional for others.
They pointed out that social media amplifies the gender war, adding that men who happily marry 40-plus women and build peaceful homes with them do not go viral.
