Close doors, protect your marriage

There are so many reasons issues will always come up in marriages. It takes two mature minds to go through the journey smoothly. For many, when you close some of these destructive doors to marriages, one will experience a robust, happy union. But when the doors are kept open and allowed to become a free-trade zone, you should naturally expect troubles to sprout here and there.

The first door that should be closed permanently in marriage is the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. When a man and woman have agreed to be legally married, then water should be poured to put out every old flame. Every other relationship, no matter how genuine, loving and sympathetic, should cease to exist with immediate effect.

In the past few days, a young social media influencer has been dragged by bloggers and netizens over her relationship with her bestie even as she is married now. The warning came the moment the influencer delivered a bouncing baby girl and her male bestie travelled to go greet her in her husband’s home country. That move did not go down well with many. Bloggers made several posts on that. One of them wrote “Mind your marriage, do not let another man be distracting you in your marriage in the name of bestie. Do not be rubbing your bestie before your husband’s face. Both of you should separate, mind your businesses and build your different homes.”

Another netizen wrote: “You people were besties as singles, now that you are married, no one is accusing you and your bestie, but do not give the devil an opportunity to mess up your marriage. Your husband might not tolerate your relationship with your male bestie anymore and no one would blame him.”

Apart from celebrities who get entangled in various coded relationships in the name of acting, there are so many men and women who will get married, yet keep the relationship with their ex intact. Tunde is a successful big boy in the city. He dated Winifred for years. With family interventions, he married Diana, and was still seeing Winifred, his ex. On Tunde’s phone, he saved Winifred’s name as Fred. Whenever his phone rings, the wife will see Fred and relax thinking Fred is a man. The bubble burst when Tunde was hospitalized and his wife was in possession of his phone. When Fred’s call came, the wife was excited to tell her husband’s partner their new abode, only to hear hello love.’ She could not dissect it. She kept quiet and that voice came again. With maturity, she gently pretended and got a little convincing information from her husband’s ex. Men and women, please note that doors to all former lovers should be permanently closed once marriage mode is activated. Many school reunions reactivated many school-time romantic relationships. Be warned, if you want your marriage to flourish.

Another damaging door that should be closed is that of third parties on both sides. A lot of marriages have been destroyed through third party activities. There are many women who go into marriage with their parents, sisters and aunties. At any slightest friction, their parents get involved. They report every issue to their relatives. One fact is sure: with a series of reports and complaints, the wife forgets that one thing could just come up between them and all her husband’s sins would be forgiven immediately. She will be the one to tell her hubby ‘Go home and sin no more.’ But to her parents who are armed with several complaints and reports, it might not be so easy to forgive their son-in-law. There are other relatives and friends who intrude as third parties in a legal marriage and destroy the relationships the most. Ken and Bose found themselves in an inter-tribal marriage. Both dragged their relatives into their new home and it was more of a competition between the two families. It got so bad and almost broke the marriage because the couple sided with their relatives until Chief and Mrs. Joseph, who were the sponsors, advised the couple to send everyone packing for peace to reign. Couples, beware of third parties. Close doors to third parties including friends, relatives and neighbours.

Again, the door of pride should also be completely shut down in marriage. This is applicable to most Africans who live in foreign countries. Once a man marries from home and completes travel documents to take his wife to live with him, if care is not taken, that wife will begin to experience disguised torture as she will regularly reminded how she came to “abroad” where there is power supply 24/7: “I brought you here. If I did not bring you here….” Such a statement triggers issues. Most educated ladies who settle for rich uneducated businessmen show this level of arrogance once in a while. Emeka, the head apprentice in a successful electrical goods company met Ada and they agreed to spend the rest of their life together. Emeka promised to see her through her education. On graduation, Ada began to see a lot of wrong things in Emeka. She suddenly realized his grammar was not polished, did not look smart or dressed well and a litany of excuses. Arrogance, pride and see-finish crept into their union. Ada ran away as a more accomplished lady. A lot of ladies who consider themselves more complete than the man also show it with pride. They will always refer to their father’s wealth and dangle it before their upcoming husbands. Such doors should be closed for marriages to sail smoothly.

Where are the male and female adulterers? Adultery kills marriage spiritually and should be stamped out in marriages. It should not be part of marriage because it is an enemy that kills marriage, businesses, wellbeing, health and relationships. An adulterer can infect his or her partner with a death-causing infection. A family was destroyed by adultery. Odinnaka was a head apprentice in his Oga’s shop. Madam developed a crush for Oddy as he was fondly called. He was given special treatment, one thing led to another and Oddy began to sleep with his Oga’s wife while he also went out to mingle with other women. In the process, Oddy infected Madam with HIV/AIDS. Madam also infected her husband, whose health had started to deteriorate. The first victim that left the space was her husband, followed by Madam and Oddy. Adultery closed a family and left the children at the mercy of relations. It is for many dangers involved in adultery that seasoned religious leaders preach that men and women should run away from adultery.

Unforgiving spirit is a door that should be closed, for a marriage to progress. There are people, who naturally do not forgive those who offend them. An A-List actress once said she left her marriage because of her husband’s unforgiving attitude. “He would keep malice with me for months. After three months, I left the house and he never asked after me and our little child. Un-forgiveness is the fruit of the devil as recorded in the book of Galatians. It takes people backwards instead of moving forward. The offender might be free while the offended pines away under the weight of the unforgiven offence

Comparison is a marriage destroyer. Comparing your spouse with another person is unhealthy and destructive. So, couples who compare their spouses are not building healthy relationships. Even in families where children are compared with their peers, it does not make them happy.

Non-communicating spouses are not doing right. When a man is making his own plans and a woman is also making hers, and yet they live under the same roof, it is scary. A story was told of a couple who for many years hoped for conception, but it did not happen. The lady was the cash-cow who had invested in the man and his family. Therefore, quitting meant she would be a big loser. Both husband and wife began an independent earnest search for a child to adopt. While the man worked with his agents privately, the woman also worked her own out. The man wanted a baby girl while the wife wanted a baby boy. Both got exactly what they wanted privately and kept mute, still under the same roof. The babies were with two different families who were nurturing them. It was the wife’s own who turned one first and the wife secretly went for a blast of a birthday; the celebration leaked on social media due to her birthday wish to her dear son.

Dear people of God, there are so many doors that should be shut outright for marriages to progress. The list is endless but when these listed few are shut out of every marriage, there will be hope for survival.