Between Manchester and Arsenal fans

The die is cast! Where are the Manchester and Arsenal fans? Where are those men who openly or secretly show their preference for either of the two popular clubs? Where are the supporters who deposit their last stipend and stay glued to their television sets, to watch every preview of their favourite soccer star’s amazing dribbling and goal scoring talents? Arsenal and Manchester fans have various reasons for supporting their favourite clubs. Mid-morning they gather at the newsstand to engage in heated argument about the performance of either club.

Interestingly, Manchester supporters are men with great love for the full female chest, which I literarily call ‘Man-chester’ while their Arsenal counterparts love women with appealing backside with real Vitafoam. There is no argument that these two categories of fans of the popular Premier League clubs exist in Nigeria. Now, why do some men have preference for ladies with Manchester or Arsenal assets? Interestingly, some fans, who are like Oliver Twist, are also crazy about the two clubs and have no apologies for exhibiting this predilection. In fact, they wear it as a badge of honour, and proudly express it.

I nosed around to find out why men prefer one club to the other and made the pleasant discovery that either choice is determined by body chemistry. After showing shock at being confronted with the question and reluctance, he said: “I love the Manchester because it is a relaxing place for me. After the day’s hustling, I feel at home and relax my nerves when I am around there. It is something between strong interest and outright obsession. They also make my eyes stray during conversation. Again, that is the beginning of the journey to all oil explorations. No man can engage in exploration activity without combing the area first, except he is a rapist. It is carefully designed to calm frayed nerves and sooth pains.”

In like manner, an agency was recruiting sales and marketing executives for a corporate office and I was invited to witness the session. On the said date, the interviewees arrived and the male organisers quietly hand-picked with eye contacts the successful ones before the result was announced. All ladies were graduates, who could easily express themselves, but that recruitment was not based on certificate qualification alone. Their Manchester assets gave them the edge over the other ladies in the recruitment exercise. When one of the organizers was asked to explain the rational for their decision, he said: “We need ladies who will attract men to grow the business.” Can you beat that?

But there is the contrary opinion, that there must be an element of specialty in the creation of the back-horsepower. It was not for nothing when Eastern musicians gave it an apt description in Igbo vernacular,elema-ukwu-egbuo-ewu. Another popular, young Southeast musician, Sonny Bobo did a rough translation of the Igbo version as “Looking yansh, killing goat.”

Take this from a medical doctor friend and fan of Arsenal: “I do not like the heavy ‘Manchester”per se and will not touch it with a long stick, but with the right shape especially a well-figured arsenal I am good to go. I am first and foremost an African man, being a medical doctor comes after that and other accomplishments. Some parts of a lady’s body should attract men to her. After my overseas studies, I returned home and was actually ripe to settle down as a man. My mother suggested her friend’s daughter who is also a medical doctor. I rejected her and my parents wondered why because they felt it should have been a perfect family arrangement. My mother started giving me heavenly reasons why it should be her. But my father as a man sought my opinion in confidence. I told him decently that the round pegs are not in the round holes. The lady though beautiful did not have what moves me. She was too skinny and skimpy for me. I want a handful of a woman with noticeable Arsenal. My father authoritatively stamped my reasons and I had my way. Unfortunately, Mama does not know and should not know what moves her son.”

The doctor is not alone in his preference. A banker once told me he likes his woman to be full blown. “I do not like to look for my woman even in a gathering. My wife came for her national service in my office, she walked towards me and did not have the face of a magazine cover girl; but when she turned to enter the next office, I caught a glimpse of her Arsenal and was at least 60 per cent interested, but I needed a literature review to conclude my project. At the end of her service year, when I was sure she could hold her head high and walk boldly without being touched, I made my intension known immediately and here we are today.”

What about ladies who do not possess both Manchester and Arsenal assets? They also have their specifications. There are men who like very petite women who look like secondary school girls. Such women do not have what attracts a Manchester or Arsenal attributes. But some of these once tiny women have been seen to develop in later years. In fact, there are several such instances.

For the records, there is something magical about the Manchester and Arsenal ‘geo-romantic (GR) zones that draws attention to them. It is this supernatural attention that saw the emergence of breast enlargement championed by Modupe Ozolua years ago. Celebrities accepted the trend and took turns to update their records. Some worked while some leaked water and embarrassed the victim. If the men were not supporting the Manchester club, women would not have threaded those deadly parts to beauty. It was in line with the desire of ladies to enhance the Arsenal and Manchester GR zones that spurred the introduction of padded and push-up underwear into the marketplace, to help women have the right contour.

A story was told of a petite student who was almost missing in action as a fresh student. She was not getting invitations to socialize in her new environment as a student. It gave her some sleepless nights. After inquiries, she bought herself some padded and push-up materials. Like jack out of the box, her GR zones experienced a new lease of life and in no time, the invitations began to fly her way. That was how she started feeling like a fresh undergraduate and became part of the ‘October rush.’ Do not ask me what happened in the inner room when the artificial assets were stripped off, to reveal the real thing. At least, she had solved one problem and got into the other room, which she had long been kept out of for not being endowed with appealing GR zone.

Well, life does not start and end with the Manchester and Arsenal supporting clubs, there are so many other men who go for various things like sound academics, well mannered, proud family background etc. Besides, many tall men just love petite women. Ask American movie star, Will Smith, husband of Jada Pinkett. So dear sister, who is not a Manchester or Arsenal lady, be consoled because there is special fan for you out there, who prefers the Chelsea you and he will find you to later spoil you a wow experience at the Radisson Blue Ikeja.