“There are days I wonder if my mind is an engine or an exhaust!”

By Efe Anaughe

I LOOKED at myself in the
mirror, hmmn not bad I thought
to myself as I took a swirl in my
flirty short dress in front of the
mirror. My dress had a portrait
neckline and sheer mesh panel that
ran along the centre front bodice
of my gown. Belted waistband
segues into a full mesh skirt that
is delicately adorned in crystals.
It was an illusion plunge sexy
jeweled bodice and swirl jeweled
short prom dress. It is the kind of
dress that makes a girl feel like a
goddess
Teju’s look was one of total

admiration. I just knew in that motered in the entire world to him.

Come on girls, everyone knows
what I’m talking about. The look
a guy gives you when you know
he’s into you and really wants to
kiss you. The look that is a perfect
blend between sexy and adorable,
the look that can make your heart
flutter and your lips tremble. You
see his dreamy eyes gaze at your
own and notice them slowly lower
and fix on your lips. You notice
him quickly glance back up, in
hopes of recovering from giving

anything away; the look of vulner-
ability. As hard as he tries to keep

his eyes off your lips, he can’t,
which fully exposes his feelings.

“You look gorgeous Tobs,” he said
breathlessly.
As we drove to the party, my
mind drifted. There are days I
wonder if my mind is an engine
or an exhaust. Am I the master of
what I think or are my ideas the
result of deep thinking I’m only
loosely aware of? There is a third
possibility of course, that it is both,
and it depends on my feelings at
the time. I feel most clear thinking
and in control when I am calm and
happy, more driven by impulses
when I am fearful and anxious. I
long made a vow never to make
choices that matter when I am
feeling confused, perhaps then my
life can make a turn for the better.
I may not always make the right
choices but I pray the balance of
good to bad shift in my favour the
result will certainly be awesome.
All eyes were set on us when we
got in the glam party that evening.
Amazement doesn’t quite cover it. I felt like someone just took my
spark of wonder and poured on
petrol. The smile I showed on the
outside can’t adequately reflect
what I feel inside; it’s like every
neurone of my brain is trying to
fire in all directions at once – the
best kind of paralysis. What am
I doing here with this stranger?
I wondered. I barely knew him
and yet I was being treated like
the belle of the ball. I have two
men waiting for me back home,
am I about to add a third? I need
my head examined, I brooded
morosely
There was a time in my life I
expressed my feelings in a true
way, but I can’t go on like that,
right? I can’t keep bawling like a
baby and throwing tantrums like a
toddler. I need to get a grip on my
mind, there has to be a balance, a

point of virtue. Now every nega-
tive emotion is buried before I can

even feel it, making me passive and weak. Everyone loves me for
my smile and twenty-four-seven
happy disposition; meanwhile
every other feeling is crammed in
my chest. Problem is, that space
is getting smaller and smaller, so
much harder to ignore, and the

disparity between my outgo-
ing personality and inner pain is

beginning to feel unbearable. I

wish I’d learnt to get these emo-
tions out instead of bottling them

up; there is no ‘healthy release’
when the internal pressure is this
high. How do I defuse this bomb
without triggering the damage I
seek to avoid? Teju looked like
he was beginning to like me too
much and that is not an option. I
still had two men I was juggling,
no way am I going to add a third
moreover I am not into light
skinned men! The problem is I do
not know how to do things in half
measure so you can imagine how
overwhelmed I feel sometimes.