It started with something as small as forgetting to turn off the kitchen light. Nkechi had reminded Femi about it countless times, but that evening, when she walked into the kitchen and saw the bright bulbs wasting electricity, her frustration boiled over.
“You never listen to me!” she snapped.
Femi, exhausted from work, sighed heavily. “It’s just a light, Nkechi. Why must everything be an issue?”
What should have been a trivial matter turned into a heated argument. The atmosphere in the house shifted from warmth to cold silence. The next morning, they barely spoke to each other. Nkechi prepared breakfast without saying a word, and Femi left for work without his usual goodbye peck on her cheek.
This was how their conflicts usually played out as small disagreements would spiral into days of silence. Both of them wanted peace, but neither knew how to reach for it without feeling like they were surrendering.
Conflict in marriage is as certain as the sun rising. It is not a sign of failure. It is simply two different people trying to navigate life together. The real issue is not that couples argue, but how they handle their disagreements. Some let it build up like a slow-burning fire until it explodes into a full-blown crisis. Others sweep issues under the rug, pretending they don’t exist, only for the unresolved tensions to resurface at the worst possible times.
Femi and Nkechi’s silent war lasted three days. On the fourth night, Femi decided he had had enough. He sat beside Nkechi in bed and softly said, “This is not how I want us to be.”
She exhaled. “Neither do I,” she admitted, her voice carrying the weight of all the things she hadn’t said in days.
That was the beginning of something new for them, learning to resolve their conflicts instead of allowing them to linger.
The first lesson they learnt was that communication is everything. Many couples think they are communicating when they are just talking at each other, not with each other. Nkechi realised she often assumed Femi should know why she was upset without her explaining her feelings. Femi, on the other hand, admitted that instead of dismissing her complaints as unnecessary, he needed to listen more.
One of the most dangerous habits in marriage is allowing small conflicts to pile up. A forgotten light switch may not be the real issue, as it may just be a trigger for deeper frustrations. Nkechi wasn’t angry about the light. She was frustrated that she felt unheard in their marriage. Likewise, Femi wasn’t truly annoyed about the argument. He was tired of feeling like he could never get things right.
They both agreed to deal with misunderstandings as they happened, rather than allowing them to fester. If something was bothering one of them, they would speak about it immediately rather than waiting for resentment to build.
Another game-changer for them was learning the right time to address issues. Not every moment is the right moment for conflict resolution. Femi realised that coming home from work, exhausted, was not the best time to have a serious discussion. Likewise, Nkechi understood that bringing up heavy issues while Femi was in the middle of watching football was counterproductive. Timing matters. Sometimes, waiting until both partners are calm and emotionally available can make all the difference.
One of the hardest things they had to work on was the art of apologising. In many Nigerian marriages, saying sorry is often seen as a weakness. Some men believe that apologising to their wives makes them less of a man. Some women feel that if they apologise first, their husbands will take them for granted. True love is not about ego. It is about making things right.
One evening, after another minor disagreement, Femi surprised Nkechi by saying, “I’m sorry for how I reacted.” Nkechi stared at him, stunned. It was the first time he had apologised without being pressured into it. The power of those two words melted away her anger, and she realised how much she, too, needed to work on her responses.
Forgiveness was the next lesson they embraced. Many couples think they have moved on from an argument, only to bring up past conflicts during the next disagreement. “You always do this!” or “This is just like the last time!” are phrases that show there is still unresolved hurt. True forgiveness means letting go and not keeping score.
For Femi and Nkechi, choosing to truly forgive meant resisting the urge to weaponise past mistakes. Instead of saying, “You always ignore me,” Nkechi learnt to say, “I feel unheard when you don’t acknowledge my concerns.” Instead of saying, “You’re always nagging,” Femi learnt to say, “I want us to find a way to talk about issues without it feeling like an attack.”
Respecting differences was another eye-opener for them. No two people are the same. One person may prefer to process emotions internally, while the other wants to talk about everything immediately. Instead of seeing their differences as a problem, Femi and Nkechi chose to see them as opportunities to learn from each other. Nkechi learnt to give Femi space when he needed to think, and Femi learnt that sometimes, his wife just needed him to sit and listen, even if he didn’t have a solution.
Over time, their approach to conflict transformed. Arguments became opportunities to understand each other better rather than moments of frustration. They became intentional about spending time together, not just as parents or housemates, but as lovers and best friends.
One evening, after dinner, Femi reached across the table and held Nkechi’s hand. “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we?” he said.
She smiled, squeezing his fingers. “Yes, we have.”
Marriage is not about avoiding conflicts but about learning how to handle them with wisdom and love. It is about fighting for each other, not against each other. When handled properly, conflict does not weaken a marriage—it strengthens it.
If you find yourself constantly at odds with your spouse, ask yourself: Are we truly listening to each other? Are we addressing issues as they arise? Are we choosing to forgive and move forward? Are we speaking in a way that builds instead of tears down?
Femi and Nkechi learnt these lessons through trial and error, but the most important thing was that they were willing to learn. Their marriage was not perfect, but it was real. And in the end, that was all that mattered.
In marriage, the real victory is not in winning the argument, but it is in winning together.
For further comment, please contact: Osondu Anyalechi: 0909 041 9057; [email protected]