Thank you, coronavirus

Here’s a disclaimer. This piece is a cynic’s perspective, not mine. I am not a cynic: never was, never am, never shall be. However, cynically and uncynically, reasons abound to be thankful to and for COVID-19.

For one, the zoonotic pandemic -like the social media- is a leveller and a humbler. Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp and allied new media platforms are a space that pooh-poohs age, status, education, etc. Someone young enough to be sired or mothered by you would address you anyhow with such words as ‘hey,’ ‘dear,’ ‘kk,’ ‘sup?’ ‘lmao;’ yet civilisation or globalisation or both expect an African old school like you to blend along. Otherwise, the ubiquitous army of social media soldier ants could cyberbully you enough to shut down your account.

It’s a crazy world, ours. Too many bad people, too few good ones. Worse, the bad majority are united while the good minority are ‘to thy tents, O Israel.’ To survive online and physically, integration is it -sociologists call it the intermixing of the segregated.

Sorry about that deviation. As I (or the cynic) was saying, coronavirus is a leveller. It is a cynical something that Africa – nay, the entire Third World – must be grateful for. In our lifetime, something has brought almighty western world to their knees.

This is no laughing matter, as it bears an inherent lesson for us too. Human beings must never play God. Those in a position to help even animals should render that help humbly and cheerfully – and thereafter shut up and wait until the Big Man who sits high up there wires them commensurate reward, in His time. In the age of coronavirus, the West that always flaunted medical superiority has been scampering for help.

The cynic is not mocking, God forbid. Rather, this serves to applaud coronavirus for not only not starting in Africa but also replacing the one-way traffic medical tourism with what in commerce is known as a level playing field. Subsequently, nobody shall continue to despise Africa as the continent of diseases. Thank you, coronavirus; even as we trust the pessimism by World Health Organisation that our continent would be the worst hit shall come to nought.

Going forward, we give thanks as well for the mirrorability, for the courage, for the awareness, for the obedience, for the possibilities, for the forced rest and for the many other dividends of the deadly outbreak. Starting with how COVID-19 mirrors our Achille’s heel, it is a crying shame how fearful and faithless our generations are. Worship centres, the very fulcrum of faith and healing, have joined the shutdown spree  when they should have been more open; pray, how would they explain away this crass worldliness? Internationally, nationally and locally, leaders – except one that I know – all chickened out vis-à-vis providing the much-needed surefooted leadership in words and action.

Courage-wise, but for coronavirus, who would ever have thought a day would come when Nigeria (of all countries) would look at the United States of America eyeball to eyeball and the latter would blink first? Imagine Nigeria that imports even the oil it produces banning flights from the US, United Kingdom, Italy, and so on. Is coronavirus not good? Surely, every disappointment has inbuilt blessing.

As things stand, except divine intervention takes away coronavirus – it soon shall – little Niger or Togo may a few weeks down the line bark off visitors from countries they used to worship. Mexico might suddenly build the wall that President Donald Trump has been mouthing. Coronavirus is proof the young shall grow. The mischief dripping from this whole thing is sublime!

Furthermore, government handlers searching how best to create awareness can in future simply adopt the coronavirus framework. It’s on autopilot, like wildfire. Why can’t goodness spread like coronavirus? Even religion must envy the speed at which the deadly virus and its news spread.

Another reason to appreciate this killer disease is the no-nonsense way it whips mankind into line. See how we’ve become obedient handwashers and social distancers as well as huggers of no one and shakers of no hands. In their heyday, neither Ebola nor HIV/AIDS scared us this stiff. Even alpha male Donald John Trump has at last succumbed to something: a coronavirus test!

Thank you, COVID-19, for humbling that man. And for the untold possibilities we never contemplated. See how creative you’ve made humanity. A man has developed a social distancing device, worn around the waist!

And then, the end-of-discussion blessing brought by the coronacurse. Who thought it was possible in this capitalist world for employers to pay employees who, not being on leave or industrial action, are not at work? Coro, coro, you are too much. I shudder though at the sheer number of lazybones who’ve self-isolated or quarantined to escape work!

Also, people who never stayed home or one place are now doing exactly that – of own volition. The fear of coronavirus is the end of waka about and crowd events. Nobody needs to be told to pay more attention to personal hygiene, the new discipline master in town ensures that. He enforces the use of only sanitiser that reeks of alcohol.

Even the church obeys. Sanctimonious Paapas and Maamas who for ages condemned everything alcohol now want their teeming members to trust in alcohol-based sanitiser. Clearly, the alcoholic disease is not born again. My worry though is: post-coronavirus, how would priests demarket alcohol?

Finally, while this one outbreak teaches the world eternal synergy, it’s not rocket science to predict that it has a future with us. The palpable panic it creates everywhere speaks to the fact that, after the viral killer disappears, it would still feature prominently in beer parlour banter, society gossip and formal discourse. At some Abuja hospital last Thursday, the nurse, in addition to welcoming Mrs. Bush and me with “How are you preparing for coronavirus?’” said Ebola was better. You can bet that, being happy greeters, ‘Happy coronavirus survival’ would in no time join ‘Happy Sunday,’ ‘Happy new week,’ ‘Happy new month’ and our legions of happy greetings.

God bless Nigeria!