Sex and distant marital relationships

A group of men and women recently gathered to have drinks at a recreation facility.

In the laid back spirit of the moment, they shared funny stories about politics, relationships, separation, divorce and of course, sex. Particularly, the conversation focused on how distant couples manage their sex lives.

Sex is a vital component of marital life. It is the  natural way to obey the biblical injunction to procreate and strengthen companionship. Agreed, medical science has provided very effective, alternative means of having children through assisted conception, but sex between a man and a woman still maintains the pride of place, proudly holding the gold cup.

Distant couples cannot have sex that can produce a child, except they have worked out a way of coming together from time to time.

Agreeably, being fruitful and multiply is not only in child bearing, but other advancements in one’s life. There have been instances, where some fathers would  send their children abroad for further studies and insist their mother relocate with them for supervision. Men who make such decisions clearly and effectively sign themselves to a very long period of self-imposed denial of sexual relations with his wife – for as long as the woman would be away. However, men who find themselves in situations where they have to send their wives to go live with their young children studying overseas, but cannot cope with a sexless lifestyle, some of such men go into an affair with a side chick, who will provide sexual elixir. On her part too, Madam might also sort herself out – if has no scruples  quietly or stoically endures until whenever she sees her husband. Distant couples could advance and thrive in other areas of life without sexual intimacy. Depending on how one looks at it, the real action will be missing as long as the two do not share one bed.

One then asks, is this the reason side chick syndrome will never end? Is distant relationship between couples fuelling pedophilia, office romance and various forms of rape? Is it the reason so many men are raising other men’s children?

Most women whose husbands live far away have been found to keep young lovers, who service the oil-well to keep it lubricated, functional and productive rather than idle while their husbands are away.

Take the case of Mr and Mrs Jones (real names concealed), who have lived together for over thirty years. Mr John Jones and Mrs Ada Jones as young university students and married after graduation. Child bearing was also easy work for them too. About the time of his 55th birthday celebration, also gave out his daughter in marriage. He became a grandfather by his next birthday. Like every good mother, his wife went to the United States, to care for the daughter and the new baby. Mrs. Jonas became carried away with the quality of life in America. She waited for her granddaughter to turn one year before returning to her man. Jonas was disorganized. He could not bear the sexual starvation any longer. 

He confided in his friend, telling him: “I have been with my wife for over 30 years and have enjoyed sexual intimacy with her. I am a sexy man who enjoys early morning sex. Because of her  prolonged trip, I have become a sex-starved man. It has been difficult enduring this denial of sex. I cannot continue to observe this forced celibacy.”

For a man with a high libido, the situation had become a big psychological problem for him.

Incidentally, Mr Jones was a knight in the Catholic church and was not prepared to allow his staff of office to cause him monumental embarrassment. To release tension, he sought help online and was taught how to use digital tools to engage in creative communication with his wife. He introduced sexting, phone sex and video chats which seemed strange to his wife. He went online for further help and saw sex toys for self-stimulation and sent the images to his wife. Offended by the sight, the wife blocked him. The severe denial of sex weighed heavily on Jones – a man who really enjoyed sexual intimacy with his wife before she travelled. He confided in the same friend that sex usually relaxes him after the day’s hustling, saying, “I have held back myself and endured six months without sex. I cannot hold it back anymore.”

Jones, a man of means , learnt ‘bad-boy’ behavior at over 50 years. He became a night crawler, hobnobbing with anything in a skirt in search of sex. Out of the need for caution and to avoid picking up STDs (sexually transmitted diseases), he brought a woman into his matrimonial home. For this, he was suspended from most church activities. Jones was labeled as a bad influence on the knights. The wife refused to be involved in a polygamous marriage and they peacefully went their separate ways.

There have been cases where the nature of the professions, jobs or the desire for greener pastures have caused spouses to move to another town, city or country.

How do couples manage this aspect of their union? To some, it would be a big problem. Sex is  compulsory for both men and women in relationships. In the quest for sex, many men have done ungodly things. From killing to raping and molesting toddlers.   

Recall that in August 2023, an 84 year-old- man named Gabriel Uhuwa was arrested by the Edo State police command for allegedly killing his 75-year-old wife for refusing to have sex with him. Uhuwa had issues with his wife over her alleged refusal to have sex with him whenever he demanded for it. It was more shocking that the octogenarian was not remorseful and instead felt what he had done was the best solution to end his problem. Boldly he said: “My wife was not listening to me. Anytime I asked her to sleep with me, she declined. We had seven children together. I reported the matter to her children and members of her family. Her second daughter came once to settle us, yet she refused to give me sexual satisfaction.” 

It is for sexual starvation that Dr. Nwanguma, a retired lecturer, would not allow his wife to do omugwo for their daughters in their new homes. His first question would always be, “Who will take care of me in her absence?” Taking care is not only about food, but in the other room. Instead, he would plead with his son-in-law to allow the new mother to come to them, if they really need his wife to support the daughter during the immediate three or four months period after child delivery. Otherwise, his wife would stay with him in his home. If they argued, he would shut them down by asking, “what about young girls whose mothers are not alive, who cares for them when they give birth?”

When sex denial in long distance relationships lingers, such relationships suffer emotional, physical and psychological strain. The lack of in-person presence can lead to persistent sadness and feeling of isolation. The extended separation reduces the levels of ‘feel good’ hormones which can result in heightened stress, anxiety, or sleep disturbances. Relying heavily on screens removes vital non-verbal cues like body language, which can easily lead to misunderstanding and misinterpretations. Therefore, it is very easy to misinterpret tone or facial expressions over text and video calls. Lack of non-verbal cues can make resolving conflicts much more difficult. 

It is important to also know that frequent travel to see each other can be physically exhausting and financially draining.  For many, physical touch and proximity are core ways to feel loved. Long distance relationships remove the ability to hug, hold hands, or enjoy every day domestic life together. For the people who can cope well with it, I say kudos to them. But if you cannot, please stay with your spouse to avoid stories that touch the heart.