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Brain stimulation could save us from retrogressive leadership. Thumping that switch could be all we need to make our president alert.
Usoro I. Usoro
I’ve stopped trying to “make sense” of things that refuse to “make sense”. Like how water got into the coconut. Or how some politicians survive without brain. Yes, some things just don’t make “sense”. I mean “sound perception and reasoning; correct judgment and good mental capacity”! Forget the Oyinbo grammatical. Try the word, knowledge!
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My six year-old kid returned from school yesterday to test my “knowledge” of political affairs. Daughter: “Daddy, is politics the same thing as comedy?” I said I didn’t know. “Ok, what is the difference between Ime ‘Bishop’ Okon and Nse Ntuen?” JAMB question!
Me: Well, both may be “pregnant” but one is shorter and the other taller.
Daughter: “Is that all? Daddy, you don’t know anything. My teacher said there is no difference because both of them are comedians!”
Well, I may not “know anything”, but I’m not worried anymore. Nobody can rightly accuse me of being lonely in that class. Years of trying to know everything have only left me drained, suffocated and frustrated. Knowledge is about experience; being informed; being aware, and so on. It means “knowing” is not as easy as claiming to be a “nationalist”. Ask Dr Matthew Phillips. He’s one of the researchers assuring me that soon, knowledge will be dispensed in feeding bottles and test tubes!
Yes, scientists are working on a project that would allow information to be fed directly into your brain through a simulator. So, tomorrow, I might wake up and jump into an airplane and fly off. Or conduct an earth-breaking neurosurgery. Or recite the National Pledge without checking the back of an exercise book. Or even boil water without opening the cookery book! Meehn! Soon, truly, knowledge will be power! Now, I know how to keep my sleeping brain awake.
Daughter: “Daddy, what is Poliwood?
Me: Two former lawmakers “electing” Nse Ntuen as the Speaker of ‘Ukana House of Assembly’!
Daughter: “Ok. But, what is the symbol of authority of Ukana House of Assembly?”
Me: Nse Ntuen’s iron-hand!
Seeking to know or “make sense” of everything, including our environment and even why we breath, has been the main preoccupation of man. But if the simulation works, ill-equipped Nigerians might be the better for it. For instance, the two former members of Akwa Ibom House of Assembly led by Nse Ntuen would’ve known that no matter what, it’s not possible for three people to impeach a speaker. And that slapping a table is not part of legislative requirements. In fact, by using his bare hand instead of a gavel, Ntuen looked funnier that the South Africa caught copulating with his neighbour’s cat. Common sense may not be common, but it’s useful, especially if you combine it with a Mace.
Brain stimulation could save us from retrogressive leadership. Ah! Thumping that switch could be all we need to make our president alert. That way, he might suddenly “be aware” of a lot of things: Insecurity – that Boko Haram has refused to die. While IG Idris is busy with APC affairs in Akwa Ibom State. About 10 million jobs are gone and Nigeria is now a proud holder of the poverty capital plaque. “Darkness”, from national grid and Lai’s lies have taken over our land. In fact, he may even realize that contrary to what he’s been fed through another unseen tube, he’s yet to start implementing his 2015 campaign promises.
The heavy impact of the realization may affect the machine from time to time. And that may necessitate intermittent jogging of the brain. That would jolt Baba to the reality that corruption under his nose stinks worse than the festering sore of a leper. The recently alleged illegal diversion of N378 billion NLNG dividend, for instance. The stimulator would then scroll on the Maina case; the 25 billion dollar NNPC contract; Osho-baba’s recent burden, etc.
The extension of that emulation to the masses would be the end of deceit in this country. No one would lie bareface to us that we’re being now up the food production ladder; when we still top the world rice importation chart. And no idiot can fool us that our president died long ago and we’re being ruled by an impostor called Jubrin.
Imagine all of us waking to the realization that we were fooled in 2015 with a slogan. And that they’ve returned with another. No one told us the type of “change” to expect. And when my grandma started asking questions a little too late, they “chocked” her: “change start with you”! As if I sent them. Well, now, they’re back. Promising to lead me, like the blind to the “next level”. Of what? Shouldn’t we clear the backlog of earlier promises before aiming at the next level? Else, if the promised change is left at a negative level, then the next level would certainly be more of that. Really, it appears our politicians, particularly of the APC stock, thrive more on sloganeering than in actual deliverables of democracy.
Feeding knowledge direct into our brains would wipe out the need for education. It would embolden the Federal Government to ignore ASUU forever. But it would save us from silly political lies. For instance, there is no way Fashola would tell Nigerians that no one buys fuel anymore for generators. The machine would sound an alarm. I would then ask if we’ve now developed to the point of running generators on water or urine? And where did you do your research, sir?! I don’t need the simulator to know that I haven’t had light in two months. And I buy fuel regularly for my “tuke-tuke” generator.
With the envisaged spread of knowledge through artificial means, who would bother if Buhari received his WAEC certificate at 120 years? We’d rather be more interested in how some politicians get to offices. For instance, if a governor uses his agbada to wrap mountains of dollars, we would need to examine his own feeds. Could it be the tubes were blocked or was he administered with a fake one? No sensible adult in such an exalted office would so shameful scoop money with his clothes, without a sense of decency. Whoever does it is either not sensible or is an infant in an adult skin! Or his simulator, like my head, is not “correct”! What that means is that for the said machine to work, we first must have our brains intact!
