Must I tell my spouse all things?

Concluding a family programme for men only, the Guest Speaker told husbands to text their wives: ‘Darling, I love you’.  Within split seconds, ten wives reacted negatively. One of them texted, ‘I hope you are not scheming to get a loan from me?’ Another texted, ‘I hope you have not impregnated another lady?’ They did not appreciate the text.

These responses are all revealing, portraying the type of relationship between some couples, which should not be. God’s plan is that marriage should be enjoyed and not endured. It is for the best two friends. He never planned that two enemies should live together until death separates them.   

   A spouse once assured her husband that she loved him, but reminded him that though he never reciprocated, it would not diminish her love for him. Appreciating what his wife was saying, his problem was the counsel he received. ‘A wife,’ he was told, ‘must never know all the things you do, otherwise she will use them against you one day’. (As one of my readers, do you agree? Email or text me your reaction.) 

   It is not only this man that lives with this problem. Some homes are like that. Whatever is your position, may you not forget the tenet on which your marriage was contracted. In joining couples in the church, ministers of God stress that they should be one. Referring to the marriage contract, Apostle Paul described it as a ‘great mystery’ which denotes the unity between Christ and His Church. If the two people seeking marriage allow their individuality to be dissolved, it is easy for them to transform to unity. It is possible, however, for them to deceive themselves and the congregation that they are one when they are not. In that case, each of them must be ready to pay the price of the solo-long journey of ‘better and for worse’, which can only be punctuated by death of either of them.

   If the two people are transformed to one person, it makes no sense then for that person to hide things from himself. It is to the advantage of a man that his wife knows what he does so that she will be presenting him to God on her knees. She knows when and how to withdraw to a closet, shutting her stomach for a season because of his needs. Should she be a stranger to his needs, all she will do is to tell God to bless him and may perhaps, plead that God should make him to take care of her. Such prayers carry little burden and may not be answered by God.

   If a wife knows everything about her spouse, she will be in a better position to advise him. Her advice is for their mutual benefit, and that of the entire family. A friend may counsel primarily for his own selfish purpose. There is no doubt that your friend may like you, but may, out of envy, not want you to excel him in business, academics or anything the two of you do. A wife on the other hand, stands to gain in your prosperity. Pilate was counselled by his wife to spare Jesus, but he ignored her. Today, in many churches, when reciting the Apostles’ Creed, he is remembered in ignominy: ‘He (Jesus) suffered under Pontius Pilate…’ Job’s wife, on the other hand, told him to turn his back to God and die. For good, he ignored that counsel. May God help us to know when to accept or reject the counsel of our spouses! 

   Your wife may overestimate your financial capability if she does not know your take-home pay. Your corporate dressing as you leave for your office may be her index of estimating your financial worth. If she knows your true financial position, it may reduce her spurious demand from you.

   A wealthy family may suffer financially after the death of the breadwinner because he did not disclose to his spouse his business deals with people. He might have lent huge amount of money to people without disclosure. It may also be difficult to fund his burial because his wife cannot withdraw any money from his banks, being not a signatory. It is a known fact that some evil women may borrow from someone as a bet for sexual attraction. Where the man brings his wife into the picture, it will neutralise the hidden intentions.

   There are however, occasions when a husband may not tell his wife immediately something he wants to do. The acid test is the motive behind that and its regularity. Is it in the best interest of the wife? Is it a payback for her misdemeanour? Where the motive is decent, it is not that she will not know at the long run, the delay is in her best interest or that of the family. A Christian husband should know how his spouse reacts towards certain things at the first instance. I remember how my wife and I were travelling to Enugu in those days. I noticed the queer behaviour of the inmates in a car in front of us. I suspected them to be armed robbers. Though praying in my mind, I refused to tell her until I had overtaken them. I wanted to prevent her from panicking. 

Secrecy can destroy your marriage. Work together in building a happy family, with God’s guidance.    

For further comment, Please contact: Osondu Anyalechi:  0909 041 9057; [email protected]