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Wait a minute. Open your drawers or cupboards. Check on top of your tables. How many wedding invitations can you find? Okay, let me paraphrase. How many weddings did you attend last week. Two weeks ago. Three weeks ago. A month ago? Please can you recall how many wedding ceremonies you have attended in six months? Too many to remember. That means every week, two to three traditional or “white”-wedding ceremonies take place within our vicinity. Then wait for the bombshell.
Do you know that immediately after wedding, the goal post is shifted to pregnancy? Two months, three months, four, five, six, up to one year, no sign of pregnancy. Then hell is let loose. Anxiety builds up. Everybody is worried. Especially the woman. She is the object of ridicule and derision. People taunt her. People call her names.
The other day, I was passing along the corridors of FMC Umuahia, I heard three ladies expressing concern, that one of their colleagues who had been married for over two years is yet to manifest a protruding tummy. The bone of contention is that every woman, should within reasonable time get pregnant.
Now let us take a step backwards and reflect. Who amongst us will contemplate to endure what Abraham and Sarah passed through in the Bible. Abraham was 75 when he was told by God, to take his wife and leave his clan Ur. They did not tell us when he got married. Sarah was ten years younger than Abraham. He was promised he will be father of many nations. Nothing happened for 25 years. Who amongst us could stomach that. Abraham was 100 years, and his wife Sarah was 90, when God decided to fulfil his promise. Sarah got pregnant and delivered Isaac.
Just, juxtapose that, with what obtains nowadays. Families, In-laws, friends and well wishers would have forced them to divorce, marry and remarry other persons. God does not work like that.
What actually worries most couples is to know, how long to wait, before seeking medical intervention. Medically we advise 18 months. One man, who consulted me was so blunt that he asked openly “Doc how long should I wait, after wedding, without pregnancy, before consulting a doctor. Later he admitted he had been married for more than two years. He was just being diplomatic. I knew where he was coming from. Let me rephrase him. He meant “how long should I wait before looking for another woman to give me babies”. This I glimpsed from the conversation that followed after his investigations.
One frustrated young man told me that, it has become a tradition in certain places in Nigeria, that a woman must get pregnant first, before being taken to the altar. I asked him whether God would support sex before marriage. He prevaricated, then told me that God would not be happy if he divorces his wife after some years, because of childlessness.
The opinions of a lot of my patients have varied over the years. One young man, approached me with a disturbed mind. He said, before marriage, most of his girlfriends, got pregnant after unprotected sex. Of course all of them were aborted, since he was not then ready for marriage. Now, he has been married for over three years, to one of the girls who committed abortion for him. Yet no issue. He refused to countenance the thought that it could be retribution or law of karma, punishing him for his boyhood indiscretion. He came back after two years carrying a baby, and confessed that, it took four tortuous and anxiety ridden years, before his wife could get pregnant. He said, they have paid penance, consulted several prophets and spiritual Clergy personnel before God could answer their prayers.
I shall explain some pathophysiology of the seemingly ubiquitous unwanted pregnancy before marriage, and the difficulty in conception post marriage. Professor Wright, a Gynecologist from University of Jos, was confronted by many women who confessed of committing two to three abortions for the same man, when they were courting. But hit dead ends, after marriage. That is they were unable to conceive, or to put it in their own language, have not missed their period even for a month after marriage. His research will be published in my subsequent articles.
The elephant in the room is “how long should a couple wait, after marriage, without pregnancy, before seeking medical intervention”. If you pursue it from the spiritual angle. The answer is for ever. Some couple strongly believe that only God gives children. And it is left for him to decide whether to give a couple one now, today or tomorrow. They believe that even going to ask a doctor about the reason for their childlessness, is like questioning God. Remember the story of Abraham, which I told earlier. He serves as a yardstick for spiritual comparison.
Usually, when couples visit my hospital for consultation of various ailments. When asked “any issue? “. They would answer – no. When asked again “when did you marry”? Some would say two, three, four or more years. If asked again “are you not worried “? Majorly would say “God will decide”. These are the people that have handed over everything to God. On the other hand, some would say they have consulted several doctors without success. It is only then we would start talking.
Let me repeat this point. Medically, we expect a couple, who have been having unprotected sex, to achieve conception by at least 18 months. Most doctors would add or subtract few months. So before a couple could actually begin to think of a medical intervention in their quest for conception. They must have
•Lived together for at least 18 months.
•Must have, had regular, unprotected sexual intercourse.
•Must not have, recently stopped injectable family planning drugs.
•Sexual intercourse must be penetrative, ejaculative and retentive (ie the lady has to lie down after intercourse for at least, additional two hours before getting up).
•Sexual intercourse must be around ovulation period.
Of course there are certain problems that could affect some couples especially those from pious and religious background, who from childhood would have, had it drummed into their heads, that sex is dirty, sinful and abominable. They are forced to shut out sex and its enjoyment from their system. When such people marry, they require to be taught sex education afresh, and re-orientate them, that enjoying sex when you are married is not sinful.
A young husband once complained bitterly, that his wife does not allow him fuddle her as a foreplay before sex, because of that he usually had weak erection, which always falls before penetration could be properly achieved. For six months running, according to him, he never ejaculated inside his wife. How can she conceive. I then started series of sex education for the couple. After a year the woman conceived, and the baby boy was given a pet name of junior doctor. Always be medically guided.
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