“I have proof now that sometimes one can be really unhappy ‘coupled”

Zara walked briskly up to Sotonye and Rick where they stood with three other couples. With eyes flashing and a sinister smile Zara in a loud whisper said “Rick darling, I am having a sleepover for couples at a Resort downtown, I have asked Tobs to invite you but we both know she will never do it because of her busy schedule.

I think it’s about time you whisked that gorgeous Princess of yours off her feet. You two love birds deserve a quiet time, don’t you agree? I am sure your Babymama here understands that you need to spend time with the woman you love or would you rather she takes someone else? He is free next weekend I am told.” She concluded sweetly. I was appalled and scandalised. What couples sleepover? This was the first I was hearing of it. Why didn’t she say anything to me before now? If I was shocked, you needed to have seen Sotonye’s face. It was priceless! Almost worth the ‘lie’ Zara told and I fervently pray it is a lie. Rick to Sotonye’s chagrin responded, “When is it? I will clear my calendar. We will be there,” he said mockingly in amusement. I was stunned. At this point, I was determined to stay away, from Rick, this guy is sick! Playing two girls! It wouldn’t be the first time I will walk away from a relationship. I was determined that no matter how slow, I will get my bearings back. Rick was so promising! I thought I really had found ‘The One’ this time! And then, poof, it all blew up with Sotonye; pregnancy et al. Again, maybe I am just not made for a relationship. Or maybe I just keep picking the wrong guys. Although I am not getting any younger and finding the right one seem to be taking a damn long time.

I am not waiting for a soul mate to carry me off. It’s scary, yes, but it’s also liberating. And, yes, the conventional pack of cards is collapsing on me, driving home self-doubt; can I really be happy and single? Well, I have proof now that sometimes one can be really unhappy ‘coupled’, so why not try being single for a change? Maybe that’ll work better. Maybe I’ll actually be happy when I am very obviously in control of my happiness instead of believing someone else is. I guess there’s still some social learning to unlearn. I need to let go of the expectation that I will find true fulfilment only through a partner; the internalised ‘matrimania’.

So why do I feel disappointment? Somewhere in there, I appear to still define my self-worth through the attention I get from men. To my pique, I realize I haven’t moved on from these internalised beliefs that I am somehow less of a human being when I am single; that I can only find true happiness through a relationship. As if building a relationship is a cakewalk. What myths surface when one pays attention! I have experienced the wonderful side of relationships, the sharing that goes on and the automatic companionship. All that comes at a price, again and again, and that price seems rather steep for the benefits. The longing remains, the longing for this sharing that I haven’t been able to duplicate anywhere else. Or maybe it’s just that I didn’t notice it with friends because somehow it’s expected there. It’s just what friends do. Sex seems to be the cherry on the cake but then that sex thing changes everything. As if it magically transforms everything and I’d live happily ever after. Only it is not true. And I know that. Yet, somewhere, the beliefs surrounding relationships have dug themselves deep into my psyche.

Then there are the negative things that keep me from happily single ever after. The fear that, deep down, there just must be something wrong with me because I cannot find a partner. It’s not normal. If only I could fix that one thing, miraculously the perfect partner would emerge and we’d live happily ever after or should I give Rick a chance? What of Dennis, what’s to say he too doesn’t have a side chick somewhere? There is a nagging voice in my head that suggests I may be incapable of building a lasting relationship by becoming the ‘posterchild’ for single Ladies.

The voice is whispering that it’s not really a choice, I didn’t reject anyone but I was rejected or was I? He impregnated Sotonye! So it is not for the right reasons and therefore there must be something wrong with my thought process. That’s called twisted thinking in psychology. If something is wrong with me, whatever that is remains a mystery, a secret even to myself. Reality shows that I am not that horrible to be around because there are people who do enjoy my company. Imagine that! Repeatedly even and I am not talking about sex. I can still enjoy life by myself, surrounded by friends. “Tobs, Tobs,” I heard Jasmine call from a distance. “You have gone off again, soliloquising” should we be worried?” Jasmine asked as four pairs of anxious eyes watched me.